Inertia

 'Inertia is the resistance of any physical object to a change in its state of motion or rest, or the tendency of an object to resist any change in its motion. (...) Inertia comes from the Latin word, iners, meaning idle, or lazy. Isaac Newton defined inertia as his first law in his Philosophiæ Naturalis Principia Mathematica, which states:

The vis insita, or innate force of matter, is a power of resisting by which every body, as much as in it lies, endeavours to preserve its present state, whether it be of rest or of moving uniformly forward in a straight line.'

 

[Source: Wikipedia]

 

I noticed some things lately which made me think of inertia.

I used to think that I will never find love. Yes, I honestly did. There is absolutely no logic to this belief other than the fact that I didn't find someone to share my life with until now. I think there's a strange part of me that somehow finds comfort in this situation. Being single is what I know, what I'm comfortable with. The old feeling of aloneness feels familiar. When someone gets close, I believe I do everything in my power to sabotage the relationship either by finding something wrong with the other person or by acting in ways which justify why I'm still single. I'm doing a great job to prove myself unlovable. Or at least the old me did...

Over the last few years, I've put great effort into changing. Great effort which is definitely paying off. I stopped blaming the world and the people around me or my ill fate for when things don't go the way I want them to go. I see myself as a do-er, not a complainer. When I feel bad, I make myself feel better: I go for a run, I read an inspirational book, I talk to a friend, I drink a nice cup of coffee. I am a new person and that's why I was greatly surprised to find old thoughts and beliefs lurking around in my head.

Very, very weird thoughts such as 'I will never find love', 'Everybody finds somebody, but me', 'If it's not happening now, it will never happen' etc. And I almost believed these thoughts, but the closer I looked at what was going on inside my head, the more I realised I don't actually believe them! It's almost as if I took a step back and I was able to observe the bizarre dance of my thoughts without  letting them take control over me. I realised that they were nothing but phantoms of the old me, shadows that didn't want to go, lingering there out of inertia.

I also noticed that I sometimes talk about other people and the things that bother me about them. It's an apparently harmless habit, which allows me to release any feelings that are bottling up inside of me about one or another person. The way I see it, if you express feelings and opinions, it's therapeutic. In reality, the following phenomenon happens: the more I talk about someone, the more I start to believe the stories I tell myself about them. So my attitude about that person changes based on the reality I start to build about them. Instead of being a loving presence in the world, I add more frustrations which frankly I can totally do without. I add up grievances, which only make my growth and ascension harder and at this point it's the last thing I need - what do I care about that friend who didn't do what they promised? Has my life suffered because of that? Absolutely NOT! My life is still great :)

Robert Holden suggests that, when dealing with grievances, we first must acknowledge them, grief and release. So I decided that first of all I was going to totally accept whatever was going  on in my mind and see what happened. What happens is that the moment I start formulating opinions about someone I already start feeling uncomfortable with it, but I carry on out of habit. I am not worried because I know it's just a matter of time until I stop doing it. Also, I am starting to linger a lot less on saying negative things about myself and I carry on with my life. It's all inertia. Old habits and thoughts are resisting but it's only a while until the driving force of change starts moving everything else along.

We may be spiritual beings at our core, but we exist in human form, we are made of matter. And we are subject to the laws of the matter: we have emotions which are triggered by chemicals, we contain mostly water, we react to physical pain and pleasure and we obey the laws of physics - inertia being one of them. So accepting that forces who resist change will be hanging around for a while, it's the first step to transformation. Good things take time. I accept my inertia. I'm only human.

 

 

 

The common cure to falling in love

Tracy Emin - Stylist Cover

'We are obsessed in our society with falling in love. It is a social fever that provokes delirium in us from a very young age'* says Robert Holden.

‘We fall in love because we long to escape from ourselves with someone as ideal as we are corrupt.’** is of opinion Alan de Boton.

‘Albert Camus suggested that we fall in love with people because from the outside, they look so whole, physically whole and emotionally ‘together’ – when subjectively, we feel dispersed and confused. (...) Expecting to find the answer, we only find the duplicate of our problems.’ **

But does falling in love has to be such a daunting perspective?

Falling in love feels good. Studies have shown that the chemical processes taking place in the brain when falling in love are similar to those induced by cocaine consumption. A person who has fallen in love feels happier because a pleasing cocktail of dopamine, norepinephrine and phenylethylamine is readily released.

But falling in love also feels bad.

'The telephone becomes an instrument of torture in the demonic hands of a beloved who doesn’t ring.’** says Alain de Boton. And don't we all agree? How many times have you obsessed over someone you've recently met but who you've fallen head over heels in love with? He loves me, he loves me not, oh the pain... But fear not, scientists have come up with an explanation. And where there's an explanation, there's a solution.

They discovered that despite the increase in dopamine, oxytocine et al, people in love have lower levels of serotonin. These lower serotonin levels are the same as those found in people with obsessive-compulsive disorders, possibly explaining why those in love "obsess" about their partner.

So how can we keep the positive effects of falling and love, whilst counteracting the more unpleasant ones? My thoughts would be by boosting serotonin levels.

Apparently a good night sleep helps. The good night sleep which starts before midnight and allows for at least 7 hours of restful sleep. Waking up early helps too. Exercising for at least 30 to 60 mins three times a week is also key.  Natural daylight works wonders too - the more you can pack in the better. And food rich in the amino acid tryptophan, which your body converts to serotonin, such as chicken, cottage cheese, dark chocolate, eggs, oats, pork, turkey, wheat germ, soya beans, salmon.

Interesting how a healthy lifestyle can even sort out our love lives. Think I'll head to the nearest organic food shop before my bootcamp class tonight. And I'm not even in love, but getting ready just in case! ;)

 

 

 

* Loveability - Robert Holden PhD, Hay house 2013

**Essays in Love – Alain de Botton, Picador, 2006

My week in one word: Love

I bought this beautiful 'Love' ring today. I'm not really a ring person - I'm more of a chunky necklaces kind of girl - but when I saw it in the jewellery shop, I knew I had to have it. I needed it. As a reminder. That love is the answer to every question. That every time I am challenged, upset, distressed, anxious, insecure, depressed, damaged, needy, clingy, nasty, resentful, pathetic, unhelpful, negative, judgemental, stubborn, lazy, defeatist and lonely, love is always the only way to make things good again. All I need to do is take a look at this ring, breathe and let all those negative feelings dissolve, let them go away...

We all have our good days and our bad days. I like to think that I have more good days than bad days, but getting rid of old habits doesn't happen overnight. It takes a long, long time to just keeping at it before you start seeing real change. Despite years of trying, I haven't even began to change truly.

It seems easy enough to change nasty habits like smoking and binge drinking into healthy ones like exercising, but is it really enough? If doing so seems like a chore sometimes, maybe what we're trying to do is just scrapping the surface, instead of making real change. This week I've been reading 'Loveability' (by Robert Holden) and it's opened my eyes to realise that all the positive change in the world can only really be achieved by loving yourself. When you love yourself, you want the best for yourself and that's when exercising, eating healthily, drinking plenty of water and sleeping well seems like the natural thing to do. It's an expression of your love to yourself. Excess is viewed as a thing of the past, reminiscent of your self-rejection.

This may seem pretty obvious, but I can guarantee you that when you're tangled in your own fear born stories, the answer is not so evident. I'm not into tattoos so a ring suits me just fine, as a reminder to keep my focus on what's real.

I'll give you an example. Last week I've been given the radio silence treatment from a guy I've only met a few times, I liked him enough to go out with him, but still a guy I knew almost nothing about. And yet when he decided to ignore me, old fears and thoughts re-emerged. They were strong enough to put me through at least two full days of self-judgement and self-punishment. I convinced myself once again I had done something to drive him away, I found myself guilty of having been too keen and not having followed the Rules (WTF is wrong with me!?) and then I really despised myself for having texted him with what I felt. So instead of making it easier for myself to get over it asap, I made it harder. And I turned something probably really insignificant (at the end of the day, if he couldn't look into my soul and see the treasures that I know are there, he was nothing but a waste of time for me) into another drama. I declared myself unloveable again (it's a habit I've been mastering for years, probably since I was born!) and decided that I was probably going to spend the rest of my life alone.

Now, if I had been focused on the truth about myself, I would have discarded those thoughts as if they were just annoying flies. Because I do know for a fact that thoughts attract each other and my brain was just doing what it knew best: reviving similar memories and making me believe they were real. If I had been focused on the truth about myself, I would have looked deep inside myself with love and thought 'God, I'm such a wonderful creature, thank you for making me see the beauty and the treasures you put in me!'. I would have not allowed a simple rejection to turn me into a fearful and insecure person all over again. Because I am not that person anymore.

Thankfully it didn't last too long. I opened my eyes to see those annoying demons disappearing like smoke, the moment I realised they were not real. But I honestly don't want to see them back again so I'm holding on to this little word: LOVE. And until I remember it forever and ever, I'll be wearing it on my finger.

Stay inspired, people!


 

Radio silence is NOT cool!

Source: fact.co.uk

“Don't you hate that? Uncomfortable silence. Why do we feel it's necessary to talk about bull in order to feel comfortable? That's when you know you've found somebody really special. When you can just shut the hell up for a minute and comfortably share a silence' -  Pulp Fiction



But there's another kind of uncomfortable silence out there which I'd like to talk about and its name is radio silence. Defined by the Urban Dictionary as occurring 'when somebody doesn't return phone calls or text messages, is most commonly used when trying to develop a relationship with someone.'

I've just been radio silenced. Again.

The first time it happened when I was 21 and very much in love with a handsome Greek man, who used to text me and call every day and night. Until one day, when he stopped completely. Just like that. I was heartbroken. Big time. At 21 you kind of still believe in good intentions and for the life of me I couldn't explain it to myself why he suddenly decided to play dead. He would have saved me years of agony if he'd just picked up the phone and said to me: 'Listen kid, you're nice and sweet and all, but you know what, you're no challenge to me and frankly I'm a bit bored. Plus, I've met this hot Greek lady which I really have the hots for. But don't be upset, your time will come, you'll be a sophisticated lady one day and you'll meet a hot man who'll be dancing to your tune, you just need to grow up a bit. And chill, you know. Don't take it personally, it was fun while it lasted! Yassou!'

12 years later and it gets me every time. Last year, I was dating a guy for two months before he radio silenced me. Damn, it hurt. I told him so. I have this nagging urge to close chapters and wanted to know what the hell possessed him to think it was ok to just disappear without notice. I got nothing until a few months later when I discovered he had sent me a message on the dating website on which we'd initially met. That he was sorry blah blah blah. We met up again a couple of times until I told to myself 'Iulia, what the hell are you doing?' so I told him that I didn't think he was adding any value to my life and that I would appreciate if he stopped contacting me. A couple of days ago he messaged me again. I am in radio silence. But I already said what I had to say and I am in no way miss managing his expectations. He'd probably have to set himself on fire now if he really wanted my attention.

A week ago I was radio silenced again. I went on F-O-U-R dates with someone I really began to like and who's behaviour indicated that he really liked me too. We even had the radio silence conversation on our fourth date (perhaps I was trying to preempt it from happening again so I told him about my unfortunate experience from last year):
Me:  'Isn't it awful?'
Him: 'Yes, it's terrible. It happened to me last year too.'
Great, a man who understands how it feels. Ummm, on a second thought.... After our fourth date, he went under. I send him a text on Sunday,one on Monday and another one on Friday (stupid, I know, hold your stones, it was default behaviour!). Then I deleted his number and our conversations. It was time for me to deal with radio silence differently.

To me, it's one of the most difficult things to deal with. I can't possibly understand why someone who thought highly enough of you to invite you out on a few dates (please note I'm not talking about the silence following one date in which both people don't think things need to be taken further and they mutually radio silence each other) doesn't feel you are worthy to be notified he doesn't want to pursue things with you any longer. Or at least that's how I perceive it because I respect people I engage with enough to tell them directly how I feel right then and there. I don't really look at this and go 'He's nothing but a coward who doesn't deserve any further thought.' No, I fret over it and I lose sleep over it. I just don't get it how can somebody pursue you like you're the hottest thing around since the iPhone and then drop you like you've developed leprosy over night. So what I normally tend to do when this happens is that I spend way too many days feeling bruised and upset, sometimes I try to contact the person and tell them that wasn't a nice thing to do (although it never makes me feel better!) and in the end I decide to be the better person and forgive them. Recipe for success. Not!

As Jen Clarke aptly puts it <“Sometimes your closure is just realising that this guy is scum.” Amen, sister. Sadly, that is very often all the closure you’ll get. And all you should try to get. Attempting to force his hand to defend his actions will rarely result in anything good. You’re not likely to get a real answer. (Should he actually answer the phone, rest assured the following will be coming out of his mouth: “Ummmm, I’ve been busy…” Sound familiar?) So here’s what you have to do: Let him disappear. As tough as it is, it’s really your only recourse. Do anything else and you’ll either be the dumb chick who bought into his excuses or you’ll come off looking like a desperado, or both. (Trust me, I’ve been both and it ain’t pretty.)>

Yep, so did I. And it feels really crap already that you've been discarded but to go through further humiliation is probably 10 times worse.

Although I really do wish that there was a Love Police out there who would diligently make note of  my complaint and shame the offender publicly so he never does it again, I know that's not happening nor that it will in any way prevent it from happening again. So I have decided (do wish me luck because I really want to kick any guy right in between his legs for even thinking this is an OK thing to do!) that I am just moving on. Not holding on to why hasn't he thought highly of me, why didn't he like me? Who cares! As long as I like myself... Which between us, I seriously doubt that I do, since I've let this affect me already more than it should have, but, hey, I guess it's all part of the learning process. At the end of the day, being honest and direct is a matter of self-respect and radio silence is simply NOT cool. At least in my world.

What do you think? Has this happened to you? How do you deal with radio silence?






 

Loveability

I'm going through some very interesting times. I am writing a book which is now turning into something a lot deeper and complex than I initially thought. I've been thinking a lot about something over the last few days: I have a feeling that this book, this project has been given to me with a purpose. I'll develop this further below, as I am also trying to make sense out of it.

I will confess that the idea of a book on dating came to me when I realised that I was something of an unsuccessful dating 'specialist' and if things were going to carry on on the path I was on, I might as well do something productive with it, ie write a book, get it published, the usual. But, unsurprisingly, I wasn't even aware of that myself. It wasn't until I read in Gretchen Ruben's 'The Happiness Project' that she got involved in her happiness project to prepare herself for the worst, that I realised I was basically doing the same thing. I think that deep down inside of me I always thought that having a project (writing a book) will give me a good enough reason to put myself through the miseries of dating et al, without feeling like a failure. I will also confess that my second best dream in life (after finding my soul mate and building a happy life together) was to become an accomplished writer. So, you see, writing a book on dating was my best option. If one failed, I would still have the other. Best case scenario: both!

And as I'm working my way through literature on love, starting up conversations in coffee shops with random men and going on dates, I am finding things out I never thought I would. See, there's a whole literature out there who teaches women how to get men. They usually revolve around sets of rules (such as playing hard to get, replying to a text in no less than 3 hours, being confident, sexy, playful, friendly, relaxed, chatting men up in order to display a confident self but pulling back in order to  get their attention etc etc etc) and they're really doing my head in. It's like learning a new language as you have to constantly think about what do the rules say in such and such situation, which set of rules should you listen to, you're basically forced to rationalise the process too much and end up confused.

There is also a significant body of evidence out there which confirms the fact that LOVE is real, it is something that's recently been accepted by science as legitimate and more so, essential to survival. And I'm not talking about procreation here. We were not born with the ability to survive in the absence of love (however you chose to define it - some people call it the essence of God!). Isolate a mammal and it will eventually die. Just like that, its body will start malfunctioning and it will crash. It's like the body is running out of fuel and the connection with others keeps the fuel pumping. So love does make the world go round even in the scientific circles.

And then there are the 'spiritualists' who all agree that love is the essence of life, is the highest form of wisdom and that it should govern our every move. In a nutshell: love everybody, but start with loving yourself. And I get it. And I do love myself (I think). But then why do I badly want to be in a romantic relationship? What's the point of it if we're suppose to love everybody anyway? So I'm struggling a bit with that, because I feel like I'm doing something wrong by looking for the kind of relationship which usually involves a man, a woman and intimacy [I had a thought on that actually soon after: I think I miss being hugged. I may have lots of friends but I do not hug people on a daily basis. There's a positive effect that hugging and cuddling has on people and my levels are very low right now, so maybe I should just go around hugging my friends for a while...] . And so I was reading from 'Loveability' (by Robert Holden) yesterday on the tube and I almost couldn't stop my tears from running down my face in front of the blase commuters across from me,  when reading about how we are made of love and loving ourselves is the highest form of love, because that's where it all starts. Despite my hard work of so many years already to let go of blockages, love myself, turn bad habits into healthy habits etc, I was still fighting against myself as far as romantic love is concerned. I can't seem to be able to stop from blaming myself for every choice that goes wrong. If I really do love myself, why do I do that? Why can't I just accept things and move on without pointing a finger at myself and saying 'You know what you did wrong there, missy! Let it not happen again, ok?'. My continuous struggle to stop repeating the same mistakes may very well ruin the very present relationships I am trying to establish.

It seems like I am finding more questions than answers at this point, but I figured that I am walking down this path for a reason. I am on a journey of getting deeper connected to my heart instead of my mind. And it's a really difficult thing to do when you've learnt to rationalise your every move all your life. I'm unlearning things and hopefully one day, I will also learn how to love. Properly this time.
 

Iulia's Manifesto

As part of my 'Love Project', I'm reading a lot of books, including Gretchen Rubin's 'The Happiness Project'.
I find her book packed with lots of practical advice and great at instigating action (for instance, today I unpacked my holiday suitcase, folded all my washing, got rid of junk lying around, tidied up my room, put all my 'research books' into a designated basket, went shopping, called my mum, washed my hair and now I'm writing a blog post!), although, as she said, we are different people and we all have our own approach to how we want to improve our lives. She mentions at some point during her 'Lighten Up' chapter that she (and reportedly many other people) doesn't find 'fun' activities fun. 'I love the idea of playing chess' she says,' going to a lecture on international markets, doing crossword puzzles, eating dinner at a hot new restaurant, or having a subscription to the opera or season tickets to the Knicks. I can see exactly why other people enjoy these activities. I wish I enjoyed them. But I don't.'

This made me think about how lucky I am. I like so many things I can hardly keep up with my likings. I like all foods (except snake - I am scared of snakes - and coriander - which I hate, sorry!), I like most drinks and beverages, I have an endless list of favourite films, books, musicians and bands, I like watching and playing sports, I love sleeping in a tent, I enjoy going to festivals, I like exercising, I like learning new languages, I like fashion and clothes, I like arts and crafts, I like architecture, mythology, history, opera and classical music, I adore travelling and there are not many things in this world I wouldn't at least try.  As I am writing, a favourite quote from Walt Whitman pops up in my head. “I am large, I contain multitudes” he says in Leaves of Grass. I think this quote really captures who I am.

I recently mentioned to some friends that I would love to become a personal trainer or some sort of fitness teacher, because I really love exercising and I love helping other people getting the amazing benefits that exercising bring, whilst getting more of it myself. They all responded amused that I shouldn't forget I recently qualified as a professional stylist and that I am also planning to qualify as an English teacher for when I'm going to go travelling through Asia. Not to mention that I am in the process of writing a book.

I get their point and it is indeed a fair point only that... I wouldn't be me if I didn't try all these different things. Because you see, I am large, I contain multitudes. I see myself as made of rubber, I see myself like an elastic band circling the world, I wish I could stretch myself across the whole world. I am not naive, I know that's not possible, but I'll be damned if I am not going to die trying!

I've been spending quite a lot of time lately defining myself (either to craft my online dating profile or trying to write a credible platform about why should people believe anything I have to say about love and relationships). I was told that I'm trying to tick too many boxes and in my case the only word that's untrue is 'trying'. I don't try, I just can't help being 'large'. So I decided to come up with a manifesto, which I wrote down on the plane last night. Here it goes.

Iulia's manifesto

'I care not limit myself. I want to try it all and I want to be it all. I want to squeeze my life for every single experience it has to offer. I make no apologies for my choices, for my choices choose me as much as I choose them. I am more afraid of not trying than I am afraid of failing. I am limitless.'


Or in the words of the great Walt Whitman, “I refuse putting from me the best that I am.”

My week in words - EMPOWERMENT

I haven’t been able to write ‘My week in words’ in a while. Mainly because I am busy at accumulating words from all sources for my dating book, as if in a race against clock and I’m lacking the time and the headspace. It’s strange, but I finally feel I no longer have all the time in the world to sit around thinking about writing books and I’ve actually given myself deadlines. And time flies. So I’m lagging behind on ‘regular sections’, posts etc.

But this week I feel the need to talk about a word I’ve really been obsessing about lately. I want to talk about empowerment.

 

Source: lipstickandpolitics.com

 

My research about love is strangely bringing me down a path which awakens my solidarity with the women of the world and the still very much present need for our empowerment. It’s really interesting that, despite the fact that many of us don’t feel we should actively engage in feminist activities, we subconsciously recognise that the work is not yet done and there’s still need for a little action. And we’re not talking burning bras anymore (I’m perfectly happy to wear beautiful lacy lingerie, thank you very much!), but we’re talking women with ‘balls’ (hope you excuse my language) who are not afraid to talk about what’s still missing in the world, as far as women are concerned.

‘After Caitlin Moran’s How To Be A Woman came out here in the UK in 2011, a younger crowd started talking about feminism and realising that our grandmothers didn’t quite manage to finish the job. But still, calling yourself one publicly can be frightening. It can get you into trouble. It opens you up to a world of criticism about how you are not feminist enough, or that you don’t really understand what you are talking about so should probably just stop.’ says Dawn Porter in her article for Stylist about the creator of Girls series, Lena Dunham.  ‘Personally’, she continues, ‘I like the way that Lena defines a feminist; it’s really just about whether you are looking out for other women or not. It’s inclusive and unthreatening. It’s how it should be. She has said [in an interview with Metro newspaper this month], <Do you believe that women should be paid the same for doing the same jobs? Do you believe that women should be allowed to leave the house? Do you think that women and men both deserve equal rights? Great, then you’re a feminist.>’

 When asked by Stylist what she thinks is the key ingredient of female empowerment, Gwyneth Paltrow responded: ‘I think knowing yourself, but truly. As opposed to the self your parents gave you or your partner or the school bully, or whatever. I think so many people give us ideas of what we are. I think as women especially, because we’re sensitive by nature, we’re more vulnerable, we absorb other people’s ideas about what we’re supposed to think or who we're supposed to be and how we’re supposed to act. And I actually think it ends up killing us, and that’s why we (as women) have 5-to-1 autoimmune disorders, compared to men. I really do. We somaticize that suppression of self, it comes out in our bodies.

I think the most clear, direct way to empowerment is to really know yourself and to really use your voice and to not be afraid of other people’s reactions' she continued. 'And to be really, really true to yourself. That to me, has been key to me in understanding how I want to live the second half of my life. It’s only recently that I’ve really fully understood that.’

And this, my dear readers, takes us closer to what steps we need to take towards empowerment: the realisation that women and men are different, they are not superior/inferior to each other in terms of abilities, they are just made differently. And when everyone will understand and accept that, we’ll all be living in a better world. And steps are being taken. Suzie Shaw, the female CEO of a creative ad agency in Australia, notes in an article for B&T Magazine:

‘Seriously, men and women are equally capable. But that’s not to say they’re the same (…) In our mutual pursuit of ‘equality’ we have all failed (women and men alike) to recognise that women are different, so need a different management approach to ensure they thrive.’

So who knows, maybe this whole discussion about empowerment starts with recognising our female structure and instead of trying to act like men and to beat them at their own game, why not say things like ‘I need more support, so I can do my job better’, ‘I can be a better professional with the right mentorship’, ‘I do work better when my efforts are appreciated’, ‘Why, thank you for the compliment!’ and ‘Men are not the enemy, but our partners in this journey through life’. Perhaps such simple and honest statements may begin to turn things in our favour, once and for all.

This thread of thought actually makes me think of the iconic ‘Sex & The City’ HBO series, which, why not admitting, has shaped a generation of women (group to which I too belong) into thinking that women are perfectly entitled to flaunt their sexuality and to treat men like objects, particularly through the lovable yet caricaturised character of Samantha Jones. It’s the whole ‘Eye for an Eye’ all over again. But the new light shed on the ancient men and women at war conversation makes me think that we’ve been looking at this all wrong: we should not be trying to be ‘THE NEW MEN’ but instead we should be trying to be ‘THE NEW WOMEN’, the women who find empowerment through their own intrinsic sensitivity and delicacy, the women who care about other women and about every living soul on this planet equally, the women who are finally awake and are making themselves heard. The likes of Eve Ensler (the author of The Vagina Monologues), Lena Dunham, Dawn Porter, Gwyneth Paltrow, Suzie Shaw or Caitlin Moran are not alone. We are wide awake, we hear what you’re saying and we feel empowered.

 

 

A word on self-esteem

As some of you know, I've been spending a lot of time lately researching on love and dating for my book. And whether I'm reading the laughable 'The Rules', a spiritual guide to happiness or a scientific paper, I start noticing common themes to all of these various resources. And probably the most common one is the importance of 'self-esteem'.

Everyone talks about it these days but what is self-esteem?

Just think about it for a second. We are willing and happy to project esteem onto someone else, usually a person who has done something magnificent, unique, courageous, fantastic. To hold someone in high esteem is heavy, it means to respect and to honour. There is no doubt that in our minds that person is almost a saint. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. But what really bothers me (and God is my witness how little self-esteem I've had for myself) is why do we find it so difficult to hold ourselves in high esteem?...

Is it because we know how flawed we are? Because we know ourselves inside out and tend to be more critical than loving? But maybe the people we have high regard for are as flawed as we are. Maybe we're not even supposed to be perfect to be worthy of esteem. Maybe by starting with feeling esteem for ourselves, we will become perfect. I don't know...

But what I do know is this: having a high level of self-esteem is the main engine for attracting the right kind of love into one's life without any effort (I'll speak about this more some other time, but my view is that a true loving relationship is supposed to take little or no effort at all) and that self-esteem needs to be constant and consistent.

Imagine you've read all the self-help books in the world about how to get over a guy, how not to call a guy after you break-up, how to play the rules of dating etc, you've finally broken your destructive patterns and started to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but you're still allowing your boss not to treat you with the proper respect you deserve and feeling like a bit of a failure in the work place. And if that wasn't enough, you're still allowing your friends to only make last minute arrangements with you or use you as a listener to brag about their career achievements. Surely this is a sign of depleted self-esteem and in order to make your life (in every possible aspect) work is to make sure you're honouring yourself and the others every day, in every interaction.

Sure, sometimes we can't change people. Sure, we can rationalise into it as much as we want, we can tell ourselves it's just temporary and it doesn't matter anyway, but I tell you one thing: it does matter. Every day you are not defending your true self against esteem erosion, your core dies a little bit. Every day you carry on allowing people to 'mistreat' you, you're losing difficult to recover self-esteem and it impacts on every other aspect of your life. Sooner or later your new-found confidence in love will recede and you'll find yourself back in the attention begging seat.

So sometimes we can't change people. But we sure can change ourselves. Have a look at your life, is there something or someone not honouring you? What CAN and what WILL you do about it?

Every day is a choice for you to make.

It's YOUR LIFE I'm talking about.

The Holstee Manifesto

Stay inspired.

Of women and love

Source: google image search, collage made via photovisi.com

8^th of March is the International Women’s Day.

I don’t often think about this day with too much emotional investment but today is different. Today, this day means a lot to me. Today I want to celebrate the fact that I am a woman, together with all the women I know, have known and will ever know.

I was born in an era when women were allowed to study, work and think for themselves. I am fortunate to live in an unprecedented time in history, when women have already proven their worth in just about every single aspect of life, be it work, family or society. I am convinced I’ll get to live through times when women will be the leaders of this world and will succeed in making it a better place. And that’s because I am convinced women are made of love.

I’ve never really been a feminist. Never had to. Never felt I had to fight harder because I was a woman. No, sir. I  felt I had to fight harder because I was from a modest family, because I was an immigrant, because my English wasn’t English enough, because I was a bit fat and a bit ugly, because I wasn’t knowledgeable enough, because I didn’t know the right people to get to the right places and because I was impossible to love. Ever felt like that? Then you know what I mean. I never stopped to think with good thoughts about my femininity because I had so many issues to deal with, so many things to prove (or not to prove), so many battles to lose and so many things to feel sorry for myself about. It wasn’t because I was a woman. It was because everything was against me and everyone was right not to love me.I didn’t even love myself. And sometimes... I wished I was a man!

But once I got all those issues sorted and I began to love looking at myself in the mirror, I started to have feelings about my womanhood. I am convinced I was put into a woman’s body for a reason. I’m not saying women are better than men, I’m just saying women are different than men. There’s a different kind of energy going through a woman’s body and “…when you rape, beat, maim, mutilate, burn, bury, and terrorize women, you destroy the essential life energy on the planet” as Eve Ensler rightly said in her famous 'The Vagina Monologues'. I feel we have a sacred duty towards ourselves as much as anyone else does. To deny our own femininity is to deny life and that, as sure as hell, is a deadly sin.

I feel privileged to live in a world (or more accurately, in a part of the world) where I don’t have to defend myself from attack and abuse. And precisely because I have this luxury, I have no excuse for not loving every single bit of me, for not rejoicing in what I am, for not being ecstatic at the thought that I exist in a form and shape so unique and wonderful and life giving. There is no reason in the world why I shouldn’t celebrate International Women’s Day with every ounce of my heart, there’s no reason in the world  why I shouldn't be grateful for all the beautiful, wonderful and loving women in my life, there's no reason why I shouldn't be grateful every single day to my mother for bringing me, through her own sacred womanhood, into this world and for protecting me through the gift of her unconditional love, so that nothing was ever going to be strong enough to break me. She bathed me in amniotic love and birthed me into a world which I chose to believe is a good one, with the potential of becoming an amazing world, if only we could start by loving ourselves a little bit more every day.

“The heart is capable of sacrifice. So is the vagina. The heart is able to forgive and repair. It can change it's shape to let us in. It can expand to let us out. So can the vagina. It can ache for us and stretch for us, die for us and bleed and bleed us into this difficult, wondrous world. So can the vagina. I was there in the room. I remember.”
― Eve Ensler, The Vagina Monologues

Kicking out the attention seeker inside

So it looks like on my 33rd year on this planet I may have finally learnt a thing or two. Things which may seem pretty obvious to others but who weren't so obvious for me and, who knows, probably for lots of other confused individuals out there.

Today I want to talk about the inner 'attention seeker'. In some people it's not so inner, it's pretty much out in the open. It usually manifests itself through self-taken Instagram pictures (guilty!), pictures taken with the phone in the mirror - usually semi-naked (not guilty!), extreme cleavage - both men and women, we know who they are - (guilty, but only in my early 20's), responding to anyone who pays attention to them (guilty!), pouting in every photo (oh, so guilty!), posting pictures of themselves in a bikini on FB (guility!), heavy make-up and self tan (not guilty!), bragging about all sorts of performances (guilty!), texting/messaging people just to get a reply from them (guilty!), laughing loudly (guilty, but only when it's intentional, I am usually a loud person!), doing favours just to receive attention (guilty!). And many other symptoms.

The truth is that with the rise of Facebook, Twitter, fashion blogging etc more cases of 'attention seeking' have been reported in the world. So what, you might say! It's not like looking for attention ever killed anyone. Well, there are two important side-effects of attention seeking disease:

1) It keeps on giving.

The sufferer has no rest day and night without attention, it wants more, it does more to get it, eventually it leaves him/her empty and exhausted.

2) It serves no purpose.

Attention seeking is nothing but the result of a low self esteem (you should trust me on this one because I know everything there is to know about low self esteem). And it serves no purpose. Attracting attention needs to have a purpose, some sort of intent in mind.

Writing on a blog is a form of attention seeking, some of you might argue. It certainly is. In my case it's kind of how it started. I needed a place to vent, a place where I could talk about myself for the sole purpose of talking about myself and have others reading it. But in time, my intentions changed. Now I just want to share what I discover about myself in the hope that my own experiences could influence positively on those who read it. That's all. And that's why I am writing on this blog. Day in and day out.

So if anything, give your attention seeking a higher purpose. Otherwise, it's plain lame!


Since I took the time to judge myself and found myself guilty as hell for seeking ego-driven attention, I decided to do something about it. A little bit every day. Post less on Facebook, do more soul searching, increase my self esteem, give myself more love, add higher meaning to my actions. Until I am able to say I am 'attention-seeking' free!

Because I'm kicking the inner 'attention seeker' out! Be gone, you fool!




 

On being a woman of high value

Via pinterest

You may have noticed I've been a bit more quiet lately (or just less vocal than usually, some might say). The reason being I'm doing lots and lots and lots of research for the 'Love book' (that's how I like to call it now :). And the more I dig deep into the whole love and dating universe I discover so much more about myself. I suppose that in the end this is its purpose: I'm going on a journey and taking everyone else along with me.

One of the things I've come across during my readings, is the notion of 'high value' woman. Nothing special so far because don't we all, modern women of today, really value ourselves?

I don't know. Looking back at my own life, I wouldn't be so sure...

In order to be perceived as someone of high value you have to be someone of high value. Every day, in every relationship. You don't take a break from being 'high value'.

I remember there was a time in my life (not too long ago, I'm reluctantly admitting) when I had mainly casual relationships. When asked, I replied saying that the people I got involved with weren't what I was looking for anyway, so in the meantime, I might as well just have fun. In time, it became a lifestyle, a way of being. Soon I forgot how to act differently...

So I had to change. In every aspect, in every relationship, past any history I may had had with anyone, I had to start acting like a woman of high value. Because it wasn't about how 'they' perceived me but about how I perceived myself!

Starting with friendships. The moment you can stand up to a 'friend' who only contacts you for last minute social requests, then you can stand up to a man you're dating and do the same thing. Your friend doesn't value you and neither does the man you're dating.

And moving onto the 'mixed' friendships. Let's admit it, we all have them. That guy who is really just your friend, but is always there to have a drink with you, massage your ego when you get dumped and somehow ends up between your bedsheets with your lipstick all over his face. Or the friend who really is just a friend and he sees nothing but a big fat 'FRIEND' in you, but who you really fancy the pants out of him and secretly hope he'll see one day how amazing you are and fancy the pants out of you back. Yes, all those 'mixed' friendships are bad for you. Finish them or sort them out. Friends or lovers! Or nothing! Being an 'in betweener' doesn't bring you anything of value.

And finishing with the men you are dating. Or would like to. Or you need to stop dating. All those men who don't see in you the same 'high value' as you do are a no brainer. They'll cancel themselves out. All the others who do see, will make an effort and they're really the only ones who deserve to get to know you.

It's not so easy to spot and stop the relatioships in your life which are undermining your 'high value', but don't let yourself be put off. Sometimes they feel so natural, they're so imbedded in your life that it will take a bit of searching. But it's like starting training for a marathon. It always ever starts with that first mile...

I've been training for this kind of 'marathon' for a while and happy to see the results in my everyday life. I'm not ready to run the whole race yet, but I'm definitely in the right training programme. And I can highly recommend it ;)



 

What a (Valentine's) day!

Source: wallpapersforme.com

Love it or hate it, V day takes so much energy out of people.

Oh, how I used to love feeling miserable on Valentine's Day! A black day in my life calendar's, a cruel reminder I was alone and unloved. What a relief to have outgrown these ludicrous self-imposed pressures.

It feels pretty good to be light hearted on Valentine's day. And if you want to have a right old laugh go inside a Paperchase a day before V DAY and marvel at the swarms of (ridiculously good looking! ) men fretting over what card would the loved one be most satisfied with.

I went there with my friend the other day and felt really tempted to use some of my newly learnt 'attract-love-into-your -love' techniques, which involves striking up a conversation with a man and asking something silly like 'Do you think this card is made of recycled paper?', whilst harbouring the most seductive smile ever known to humans. But looking at all the men's concerned faces I realised that was a mission doomed to fail. And anyway, that wasn't why I was in Paperchase for. I was in Paperchase to look for a 'neutral' Valentine's card - the kind of card you give to someone you've only just started dating -  in an attempt to save my friend from the embarrassment of giving her date a card which implied too much sentiment.

After reading numerous advice books and having failed at more-than-I'd-like-to-admit attempts of relationships over the past 6 years of singleton-ness, I figured that much: she must stop herself from giving too much away on V Day. An almost impossible mission though. Noisy love declarations everywhere. Nothing simple like: 'Happy V Day. Best, x '. There were hearts given away, hearts stolen, hearts halved in two by arrows, hearts serenading, hearts holding hands, hearts promising each other eternal love, hearts and hearts and hearts and hearts!... It took us a while until we found something with a democratic message: Circle the one option which applies to you. Phew, crisis averted. By the time we got to the till, the mile long queue of (ridiculously good looking - I hope they have single twin brothers!) men had shrinked. I didn't get to ask anyone about the recycled paper, but that felt good. All I could picture for myself that evening was a cup of tea and an early night. No V Day date was just fine with me.

The thing with Valentine's day is that it's a bit like marmite: you either love it or hate it. But how about being neutral to it?...

Hello love!

source: express.com

Yes, there is definitely a whole new kind of energy this year. An energy that's so positive and prolific, I'm amazed of such power. It's like I've been handed a magic wand which I've got to be really careful how I use before I turn somebody into Skittles,  should I play around with it carelessly.

Some of you may remember that I pledged to write a dating book last year. This year, that feeble and fun idea which came about during an evening out over a glass of wine, is slowly but surely becoming an actual project.

I have a few people on board who are willing and happy to be part of it. I'm reading a lot of books (from philosophy and psychology to 'scientific' papers such as 'How to Be So Irresistible You'll Barely Keep from Dating Yourself!'), brushing up my dating shoes, polishing up my online dating profile, going to workshops and speed dating events, totally immersing myself in the world of dating, in the hope that I'll find something real and relevant to share with the world. And the more I get involved, the more I realise how rich the body of knowledge is. It looks like this will take a lot longer than I initially estimated....

I am planning for a 2013 delivery, but I'm afraid it's not going to be April. More likely the finalisation of the research will come about towards the end of the year, as a minimum of 6 months of experimenting and documenting is probably required. So, if this is something you are eagerly awaiting, pretty please, bear with me. Needless to say, I will need all the help I can get so if you've discovered an interesting article or a book which may be useful, or you'd like to be part of the research, drop me a line.



Source:guardian.co.uk

The funny thing is that I used to believe love was some random accident that will just 'happen' to you (if you're lucky) and stay with you (if you're even luckier!). I've spent countless anxious moments fretting over 'when will I be dumped'. I've spent all my energy trying to convince the opposite sex I was worthy of attention, missing out in the process the fact that I am extraordinary and I do deserve an extraordinary relationship.  But since I've concocted this project and started researching it, I am starting to believe that, like with anything else in life, finding love is a matter of attitude. It's something you deliberately open yourself up to and fully attract in your life. Whether that's going to happen, we'll see in the course of the next few months, but in the meantime, 'Hello, Love! It's time for us to go on a ride!'



Let's talk about death, baby

Source: artpistol.co.uk

When somebody close to you dies, you feel you have the right to cry out your feelings, feel miserable, feel turned inside up and outside down, feel angry or suppress emotions -  however you chose to deal with it, you have the right! When somebody you didn't know that well dies, then... the decent thing to do is to shut up, present your condolences and try not to let the tragic event affect you that much. But not knowing someone that intimately doesn't mean that sometimes, when someone you know dies, you're not utterly shaken to the core.

A dear friend's wife died a bit over a month ago... A tragic, shocking and unreasonable death, which I knew was going to really affect me, but I was travelling when it happened, so I somehow managed to postpone its impact, like a tsunami frozen in time.

I usually find some sort of comfort in knowing that sometimes deaths can be explained. Ok, so it was an accident, nothing anyone could have done about it. Ok, so he contracted malaria in Malawi while on gap year because he forgot to take his tablets and died. Action and consequence. What are the chances this would happen to me?

But this was no accident. This was a battle with cancer which was fought bravely and for a while it seemed like life was winning. But despite all the great progress, a wonderful mother and wife was taken away in a flash. A person who was so positive that I had no doubt will fight this and win it! Someone my age. Someone who's lived a healthy life, a good life, a generous life. Someone who's given nothing but love and positive thoughts to the world. Someone... like me?...

So I was left with a bunch question in my head... 'How did this happen? She was recovering so well...' 'Why her?' 'Why not me?' 'How can I be sure this won't happen to me?' I let myself spiral down a dangerous path  onto which I've been before, after my uncle died of cancer two years ago. I felt like I had a duty to do something about it. Like I can't just be relieved it didn't happen to me, present my condolences and carry on with my life. Because suddenly I was looking at the idea of death in the face. It wasn't anymore an abstract notion which I could just fend off hopefully for many many years. It wasn't just something that happens to other people. It was something that can happen to me, to you, to her, to the guy across from me on the tube,  the one reading 'Train Spotting' who I quite think is cute, to the girl who's serving me coffee at Pret in the morning, the really pretty and smiley one, to anyone and everyone I know.

I suddenly felt guilty for all the times I was bored, I felt my life was uninteresting, I was upset for stupid reasons, for believing life wasn't worth living alone, for feeling no passion for my job, for complaining about the weather, for all the crazy thoughts only someone ignorant of death can possibly have. I felt particularly humbled after I read her blog. Thoughts she trusted into the digital space, not knowing how much life to live she still had left...

'Sometimes I think something must be wrong with me... I have metastatic cancer, my doctor said he doesn't know how much time I've got left, but despite it all, I'm probably living some of the happiest days of my life... Am I crazy?' she wrote a couple of months before she passed away. 'My diagnosis does not make me any different than the healthy people. They don't know either how many days they've got to live. Nobody knows. Now I'm alive and I'm living it beautifully.'

I also found out from her blog about the possible connection between parabens (common preservatives found in almost every cosmetic product and toiletry) and breast cancer. And in a desperate attempt to claim the longevity of my life, I started raiding all my possessions. I threw away half of the bottles filled with lotions and gels and quarantined a bag of expensive face creams with no ingredients listed as guilty until proven otherwise ( by the way, expensive creams like Elizabeth Arden 8 Hour Cream and Clarins Flash Beauty Balm do have parabens - binned!). I binned two full bottles of L'Oreal True Match Foundation (a best-selling product I've been using for years) containing three types of parabens and replaced it with an expensive Benefit one the very next day. I've even stopped using the hand soap at work for the same reason (I still wash my hands but use my own paraben-free sanitiser). What's happening to me? Am I getting crazy?... IS THIS HOW I'M GOING TO STAY ALIVE??

No, this is not how I am going to stay alive. I can't protect myself from every single potentially harmful and deadly element from my environment and I can't live in fear. But what I can do is live, breathe, smile, love, cry, do all the stupid things and all the great things I want to do, never once look back and say; 'I wish I had lived my life differently.'


This post is dedicated to the memory of Ina Coretchi, a wonderful woman and someone who taught me life's so worth living and full of endless possibilities. Rest in peace.

'I just want to get better at everything I’m doing'

 

Interview with DJ Janette Slack

Hong Kong born Eurasian, DJ Janette Slack has been making music in London since 2003, jamming up the nights on the London club scene. She has now launched her own label Slack Trax and some really cool tunes she’s been crafting lately. I interviewed her last year for Bitch-online magazine and I was totally charmed by this lady who's got so much energy, drive, coolness factor and hunger for life.

 

She’s the perfect example that when you love something bad enough, there’s nothing to stop you from doing it. I couldn’t miss the opportunity to publish her interview for my Inspire campaign.  

When did you arrive in London?

I went to University in the UK when I was 17 and returned in 2001 to do a Sound Engineering diploma and I haven’t looked back since. I love London because it has so many opportunities, there’s so much room for growth here, and I feel I can evolve as an artist.

So when did it all start? When did you start your DJ career?

I started DJ-ing when I was in Hong Kong and when I moved to London I started spending a lot of time in the record stores like Plastic Fantastic, Carbon in Urban Outfitters, Vinyl Addiction, all the shops in Soho. That’s where I’ve made lots of connection and it’s how it all started. Half way through my hospitality management course at University, I became curious about how music is made. Then Napster came out and I was obsessed with collecting sound effects and I started to edit them on something called Cool Edit Pro, making ‘mixed tapes’ using music, jokes from South Park, Beavis and Butthead, Steve Martin, Eddie Izzard, and then slot them in between music and songs. I made them as Xmas presents. Then I realised that’s what I liked doing, I love sound effects. I wanted to learn how to write music because sometimes I found myself criticising the tune and thought, ‘who am I to criticise it if I don’t know how to write it myself?’ I had DJ and producer friends who I kept asking ‘how does that work?’, ‘what does that button do?’. I kept asking lots of questions and even though they were nice to me, I really thought I should do a course where you can ask all the stupid questions you want so I did a Sound Engineering course in 2001.

Tell us about your music, what makes it unique, what makes it different?

I’m not musically trained so it takes me a long time to write tracks. The only musical instrument I learnt how to play was drums for about a year. So I don’t know how to play any instrument at an amazing level but only enough so I can lay down ideas which make sound engineering and programming come in handy as you can programme it all and as long as it sounds clear and crisp then you don’t really need a band to rely on. I really enjoy programming drums and because I come from a more of a rock music background (my dad’s influence) I enjoy recording real bass guitars and real guitars. My music is a hybrid between rock and electronic music. I’m really inspired by bands like Hybrid, Nine Inch Nails, Dave Grohl from Foo Fighters, Underworld, Orbital, The Prodigy, Chemical Brothers, Basement Jaxx, all these amazing artists which are their own thing. You can hear they’ve got inspiration from something else and they’ve turned it into their own thing using electronica. So I collaborate sometimes with vocalists, it can be funk vocalists, a rapper, a singer, male or female, and it’s really nice to see what interesting layers they bring on top of my music.

What kind of clubs have you normally performed at, is there a particular scene you tend to stick to?

I’ve been kind of drifting, between all the scenes. When I first moved to London, because my passion was in break beat, I’ve played at various clubs and bars ranging from gay, straight and fetish. About 6 years ago I got my first warm up set at Torture Garden. I’ve now been a resident there for 6 years and it’s definitely not boring.

Have you got a signature look when you’re performing?

It took me a long time to find the image that was right for me. You just got to believe in whatever it is what you you’re wearing. But as long as you don’t get lazy and stay on top of your craft it doesn’t really matter what you wear. I generally tend to wear what I feel like. As a woman there are days when you want to wear trousers and days when you want to wear tights. It’s trying to keep a balance, dressing with a bit of attitude. And if there’s a theme like Halloween, hen dos etc... it helps you do your thinking about what clothes you’re going to wear. You end up wearing something you never thought of wearing before and the night gives you the option to. I am also becoming more open to things such as wearing body paint etc.  Sometimes I want to stand out and sometimes I don’t.

You’ve launched you own label. Tell us all about it.

I’ve launched my own label Slack Trax last year and it’s got its first release on 29th Oct with a track called ‘Girl in Black’. It’s the most ‘pop’ish, commercial track I’ve ever done. All my tracks have always been moody. I’ve been renovating my own warehouse with no contractors, my studio was in storage for a year and after I’ve been surrounded by cables and insulation, concrete and plaster for a long time, I just wanted to write something happy and fun. It’s also got a handful of remixes as well. There’s a version for everyone. The next single ‘You Can’t Stop This’ was released on the 4^th of Dec. I’ve collaborated with Kickflip on that one and it’s more honest to what I play at Torture Garden and what I’m writing right now. It’s got guitars in it, real drums, vocals from Javone Prince (from Channel 4’s Phoneshop) and some really cool noises that make sense.

My album ‘Torture Garden Session’ got released in late January/ Early February.  I have limited edition CDs that you can order on www.janetteslack.com . The album will be available on all the digital shops such as iTunes, Trackitdown, Beatport, Juno, Amazon etc.... So far the label it’s been getting really good response. DJMag have shown lots of support, Mixmag have given Slack Trax 2 ‘Tune of the Month’ titles, and I just got interviewed by Time Magazine because of setting up the label. Things look promising.

What’s next?

I just want to keep writing and I just want to get better at everything I’m doing. One of the styles I play is progressive and electro and break beat and there’s a slower tempo called nu funk and glitch hop which is faster than hip hop but slower than electro and it’s a really sexy pace, there’s cool vocals, it really hits the spot for me. And that’s something I really want to explore more.

What advice would you give someone who’d like to become a DJ?

Make sure you’re doing it for the right reasons. Don’t expect instant rewards, you’ve got to be in it for the long run, there are no such things as shortcuts. Don’t be afraid to ask. It’s ok not to know everything. Be careful who you trust. Be aware that it’s a very expensive thing to get into. But as long as you’re happy with doing what you’re doing and you’re doing it for yourself, you’re on the right path... I knew what I wanted to do this since I was teen so it’s obvious it’s not a phase. I’m still loving it, I want this to last forever.

 

 

 

 

Janette's video 'Girl in Black' is out now. Check it out!