The Love Project - 6 months on...

 

 

It's already been six months since I've started my 'Love Project'. A very good time to have a think about what I've achieved so far. Not that I've necessarily employed a strict monitoring system other than keeping a sporadic journal and daily notes on my phone, but I've certainly started to notice some very important shifts in my attitude, changes which so far have had an important impact on the quality of my life.

 

When I started this project back in January, I had a different view. I dig my teeth into it accompanied by my lifelong insecurities, crossed my fingers and hoped for the best. And yes, I've had some drama along the way, but being on a mission really energised me to carry on and keep looking for ways to navigate the murky waters of modern dating. I'm not sure I had any idea of how much this project would change me, but I'm grateful to it that it did. Without it, I wouldn't probably be better off than I was a year ago, two years ago, three years ago...

 

That doesn't mean that I've found that special someone - at least not yet - but what I did find was a lot more love for myself. Well, I had to. Being in 'The Champions League of Dating' (as one of my dear friends likes to call it) meant that I exposed myself to more disappointing situations and the occasional heartbreak. So I had to find a way to deal with those situations better than in the past, when I would normally wallow and sulk for a long time, dump all my emotional garbage on my close friends and eventually get over it only to start all over again a few months later. Or in the words of Tony Robbins, 'If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always gotten.' So I needed to approach this differently if I wanted a different outcome and happy to report on the improvements of the last six months:

 

1) I am lighter. Having 'Being light' as my mantra has been a magnificent tool towards taking things less seriously. Light people are less judgemental, less worried and generally happier. And if this is not an attractive feature, then I don't know what is :)

 

2) I am taking things less personally. This is a great breakthrough for me. I've been believing my own stories about myself for as long as I've been alive and every time things didn't work out for me one way or another, I would add more layers to the 'unlucky in love / unworthy of love' story  etc. The truth is, everyone has their own stories to believe in and most of the times nobody does anything to hurt you as a goal in itself. People generally behave in accordance with their own conditional programming and most of the times they're not even aware of, as much as you're not aware of the fact that you're just believing in a story that's not even true. So I've learnt to see past that. If anything, I decided to create nicer stories for myself to believe, if my brain really can't do without stories to feed on.

 

3)  I am more mindful than reactive. It's the little things: like not replying to a text straight away, especially if it's been sent late in the evening. Realising than not every message requires a reply and that some people will stay in the pen pal zone if you entertain it. I think it's basically about being in control of my actions and stopping before reacting. This is definitely an improvement, I used to be so 'spontaneous' with things like that, usually not in my best interest.

 

4) I am more focused on what I have than on what I don't have. The Law of Attraction states that what you focus on, you'll end up receiving more of that. So if you focus on the love you already have in your life, magical things happen. See, I used to focus on the love I didn't have and, surprise, surprise, there was just more of the same. But not anymore, I am practising gratitude every night before I go to sleep and being thankful for all the love I've got out there, to all my friends, family and strangers (good looking ones, in particular ;)

 

5) Spreading out love. So there's one more important ingredient I've added into the mix: support with loving thoughts the love I see around me. I see a loved-up couple, I send them some loving thoughts. I'm cultivating loving thoughts left and right and you know what, it feels sooooooooo much better than when I used to be bitter and jealous of others! More of that, please!

 

6) I love myself more. Now, this should probably go to the top of my list, but I decided to leave it last, because I feel it summarises the other ones best. Thanks to the likes of Robert Holden  and many other inspirational speakers I've been listening to for the past ten days during the Hay House World Summit, I've resolved to accept that I am 'loveable'. And that loving yourself means accepting everything about yourself, even the stupid things we do. I've finally learnt that self-love is not self-approval (ie. 'I will love myself if...' ), is self-acceptance (ie 'I love myself anyway, every day!'). And, boy, that feels good!

 

So now, more than ever, I am looking forward to the next six months! Bring it on: I'm ready for Love! :)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The art of loving yourself

About a year ago, during coffee and cake, I was complaining to a friend that things didn't work out for me in the romantic department. She candidly asked if I loved myself and I almost felt offended by the question. Of course I loved myself. I had read 'The Mastery of Love' by Don Miguel Ruiz, didn't I!? Doh!...

Now, the truth is I was only beginning to scratch the surface of self-love and even though I was on the right path, I was still far from practising true self-love. It was more a case of 'I don't hate myself anymore'...

It wasn't until later that I realised loving yourself requires the same time investment as loving somebody else does. Sure, you can fall in love with someone at first sight, instantly, but real love is built on time. To love yourself takes a bloody long time too.

And we're not always good at showing ourselves that love. I still do stupid things which are not good for me. This Bank Holiday week-end for instance I drank a lot of alcohol. Sure, I used to drink a lot of alcohol regularly, but it was back then, when I didn't really love myself. So even though I still enjoy an alcoholic beverage or two, I stay away from excess these days. I feel really guilty when I over-drink and eat crap food, because I know it has a negative impact on my body. So that's when I know I am doing a good job at loving myself. Because I care. I care about the consequences of my loving or less loving acts. So today, I woke up early in the morning and went to a class at the gym so I can feel like this again! :)

Recently another amazing truth hit me: there is no self-love love without acceptance and forgiveness. The same way, you'd forgive a repenting lover bringing you flowers as a way of saying sorry for something he'd done, the same way you must forgive yourself. So rather than beating myself up about having drank too much and slept too little, I accepted the fact that it has happened and that I just had to move on. And instead of beating myself up about it, I just went 'Ok, you can be silly sometimes. It's not the end of the world!' and decide to spend some time eating and sleeping better and probably avoiding alcohol for a while.

I think that the point I'm trying to make is that loving yourself is a longer process, which requires effort and it requires you to act. You can't just decide one day that this is it, from now on you'll love yourself. Because that would be a lie. To truly love yourself is to do a little bit about it every day!

 

The power of personal mantras

Source: trendsetter.com

I've finally discovered something that really works for me! DIY personal mantras. Or so I like to call them.

Gretchen Ruben (the author of  'The Happiness Project') calls them resolutions and she has created her own personal resolutions chart, but I like 'personal mantras' more. You know, those simple words that mean something to you and which you can just call upon when you need them the most to bring you back to your centred, assured self. Gretchen also lists some in her 'secrets of adulthood', but it really doesn't matter how you call them - what matters is that they work.

So after recently having been called on by nasty old fears and having decided that this year I was going to find new ways of dealing with my challenges, I decided to put together a list of personal mantras (following the Gretchen Ruben example):

1. Stop judging
2. Just because it happened in the past, it doesn't mean it will happen in the future
3. It's ok not to be ok
4. It's ok to be afraid
5. Trust your instincts
6. Be indifferent to rejection
7. Whatever you do, be mindful
8. You are enough
9. Love more
10. Recognise your qualities
11. Always put friends and family first
12. Develop a thick skin
13. Stick to your standards
14. Be light! Always be light!
15. When in doubt, breathe

I highlighted the last two because I found them particularly useful in the last few days.

No. 14 'Be light!' is probably the key mantra to my 'Love project' because I realised I am and always have been really serious. I am funny and a fun person to be around but guys can feel there is a certain weight I carry around with me. I'm the kind of girl who is going to tell them off because they failed to respond according to my standards and my expectations. And that's because I have always been tough on myself so I would always treat men the same way I'd treat myself: perform or suffer!

But the good news is: NOT ANYMORE! Since I have discovered the joys of being kind to myself and accepting of myself completely, I've lightened up around guys too. And this is an energy I intend on channelling religiously from now on, therefore I need my mantra no 14. like the air that I breathe.

Which brings me to mantra no. 15 'When in doubt, breathe!'. You know what, I've rediscovered breathing and it's such a lovely thing to focus on. I think It was Johnny Depp who said his favourite activity was breathing. I think he's right. Breathing has the power to keep you in your body and focused on the present. When I feel my mind going crazy, I remember my personal mantra no. 15 and breathing brings me back to centre. Focused breathing casts a light over the clouds of judgement. When I find somebody annoying, instead of jumping to judgement, I call upon my mantra no 15 and I forget about what annoyed me in the first place. And let's not forget, breathing helps me with being light and sticking with my mantra no. 14!


The truth is there's a story behind all of these mantras. If I wasn't in a hurry to get to Devon tonight for a week-end of fun ('Be light! Always be light!') I'd be happy to share all of them. Perhaps another time. Until then, 'when in doubt, breathe!'

Stay inspired!

The good side of fear

Today I felt the need to write a follow-up to the post I wrote this week about my fears. It wasn't an easy subject to write about and I probably opened myself up to being judged one way or another, but I'm proud I did it, because writing about my fears has achieved what I set out to achieve: it made them seem as they really are, silly and insignificant.

And it made people reach out to me, people feeling the same way, or people wanting to comfort me - I feel so blessed. I had to love one of my dear friend's response below (hope she doesn't mind I'm publishing it, as I'm keeping it anonymous):

'In my eyes you are such a woman' - she said to me in an e-mail - 'not the always single one that will die alone. And if it happens to be that way, we should team up go to a sanatorium for old people and take every pill we can get hold of, lose our minds and have sex with everyone. And do whatever we can as we are old and no one will judge us :)'

 I read somewhere that if you ask yourself what's the worse it can happen helps with getting rid of irrational worries. And frankly, if I do end up alone in a sanatorium having sex with everybody, I think this would be a great ending to a great life :)

But fear is not all doom and gloom. I've made a great decision a while ago to subscribe to The Daily Love blog and I am loving the advice from Mastin Kipp. It just happened that the other day he was writing about fear and why fear is good, because it's here to protect us, it gives us warning signals and it is the precursor of growth. Let's say being afraid is part of the growing pains package.

One of the lessons I've learnt recently is that I must stop trying to be perfect and to be gentle to myself when I am far from it. Because we're not here to be perfect, we're here to learn and evolve. Fear happens when we grow, it makes us act. And most importantly, instead of fearing fear and ignoring it, we must accept it, love it even, it's part of us. Accepting it is the key to ensure a seamless process. And I feel better now for having allowed my feelings and emotions to be expressed, rather than trying even harder to be in constant happy mood. Being happy means feeling bad sometimes. And that's ok.

I did some thinking and I realised my fears spring from some kind of resilient insecurity still lurking around.

“We each appear to hold within ourselves a range of divergent views as to our native qualities.. And amid such uncertainty, we typically turn to the wider world to settle the question of our significance...we seem beholden to affections of others to endure ourselves.”  notes Alain de Botton and isn't he right? How many times have we not felt that we need others to acknowledge us, even though we have intrinsic qualities which need no subjective point of view to exist.

But insecurity is not such a bad thing. As Stephen Fry suggests, insecurities shape us:

“It's not all bad. Heightened self-consciousness, apartness, an inability to join in, physical shame and self-loathing—they are not all bad. Those devils have been my angels. Without them I would never have disappeared into language, literature, the mind, laughter and all the mad intensities that made and unmade me.”


Fear no more: there's a good side to every fear! 

Inertia

 'Inertia is the resistance of any physical object to a change in its state of motion or rest, or the tendency of an object to resist any change in its motion. (...) Inertia comes from the Latin word, iners, meaning idle, or lazy. Isaac Newton defined inertia as his first law in his Philosophiæ Naturalis Principia Mathematica, which states:

The vis insita, or innate force of matter, is a power of resisting by which every body, as much as in it lies, endeavours to preserve its present state, whether it be of rest or of moving uniformly forward in a straight line.'

 

[Source: Wikipedia]

 

I noticed some things lately which made me think of inertia.

I used to think that I will never find love. Yes, I honestly did. There is absolutely no logic to this belief other than the fact that I didn't find someone to share my life with until now. I think there's a strange part of me that somehow finds comfort in this situation. Being single is what I know, what I'm comfortable with. The old feeling of aloneness feels familiar. When someone gets close, I believe I do everything in my power to sabotage the relationship either by finding something wrong with the other person or by acting in ways which justify why I'm still single. I'm doing a great job to prove myself unlovable. Or at least the old me did...

Over the last few years, I've put great effort into changing. Great effort which is definitely paying off. I stopped blaming the world and the people around me or my ill fate for when things don't go the way I want them to go. I see myself as a do-er, not a complainer. When I feel bad, I make myself feel better: I go for a run, I read an inspirational book, I talk to a friend, I drink a nice cup of coffee. I am a new person and that's why I was greatly surprised to find old thoughts and beliefs lurking around in my head.

Very, very weird thoughts such as 'I will never find love', 'Everybody finds somebody, but me', 'If it's not happening now, it will never happen' etc. And I almost believed these thoughts, but the closer I looked at what was going on inside my head, the more I realised I don't actually believe them! It's almost as if I took a step back and I was able to observe the bizarre dance of my thoughts without  letting them take control over me. I realised that they were nothing but phantoms of the old me, shadows that didn't want to go, lingering there out of inertia.

I also noticed that I sometimes talk about other people and the things that bother me about them. It's an apparently harmless habit, which allows me to release any feelings that are bottling up inside of me about one or another person. The way I see it, if you express feelings and opinions, it's therapeutic. In reality, the following phenomenon happens: the more I talk about someone, the more I start to believe the stories I tell myself about them. So my attitude about that person changes based on the reality I start to build about them. Instead of being a loving presence in the world, I add more frustrations which frankly I can totally do without. I add up grievances, which only make my growth and ascension harder and at this point it's the last thing I need - what do I care about that friend who didn't do what they promised? Has my life suffered because of that? Absolutely NOT! My life is still great :)

Robert Holden suggests that, when dealing with grievances, we first must acknowledge them, grief and release. So I decided that first of all I was going to totally accept whatever was going  on in my mind and see what happened. What happens is that the moment I start formulating opinions about someone I already start feeling uncomfortable with it, but I carry on out of habit. I am not worried because I know it's just a matter of time until I stop doing it. Also, I am starting to linger a lot less on saying negative things about myself and I carry on with my life. It's all inertia. Old habits and thoughts are resisting but it's only a while until the driving force of change starts moving everything else along.

We may be spiritual beings at our core, but we exist in human form, we are made of matter. And we are subject to the laws of the matter: we have emotions which are triggered by chemicals, we contain mostly water, we react to physical pain and pleasure and we obey the laws of physics - inertia being one of them. So accepting that forces who resist change will be hanging around for a while, it's the first step to transformation. Good things take time. I accept my inertia. I'm only human.

 

 

 

My week in one word: Love

I bought this beautiful 'Love' ring today. I'm not really a ring person - I'm more of a chunky necklaces kind of girl - but when I saw it in the jewellery shop, I knew I had to have it. I needed it. As a reminder. That love is the answer to every question. That every time I am challenged, upset, distressed, anxious, insecure, depressed, damaged, needy, clingy, nasty, resentful, pathetic, unhelpful, negative, judgemental, stubborn, lazy, defeatist and lonely, love is always the only way to make things good again. All I need to do is take a look at this ring, breathe and let all those negative feelings dissolve, let them go away...

We all have our good days and our bad days. I like to think that I have more good days than bad days, but getting rid of old habits doesn't happen overnight. It takes a long, long time to just keeping at it before you start seeing real change. Despite years of trying, I haven't even began to change truly.

It seems easy enough to change nasty habits like smoking and binge drinking into healthy ones like exercising, but is it really enough? If doing so seems like a chore sometimes, maybe what we're trying to do is just scrapping the surface, instead of making real change. This week I've been reading 'Loveability' (by Robert Holden) and it's opened my eyes to realise that all the positive change in the world can only really be achieved by loving yourself. When you love yourself, you want the best for yourself and that's when exercising, eating healthily, drinking plenty of water and sleeping well seems like the natural thing to do. It's an expression of your love to yourself. Excess is viewed as a thing of the past, reminiscent of your self-rejection.

This may seem pretty obvious, but I can guarantee you that when you're tangled in your own fear born stories, the answer is not so evident. I'm not into tattoos so a ring suits me just fine, as a reminder to keep my focus on what's real.

I'll give you an example. Last week I've been given the radio silence treatment from a guy I've only met a few times, I liked him enough to go out with him, but still a guy I knew almost nothing about. And yet when he decided to ignore me, old fears and thoughts re-emerged. They were strong enough to put me through at least two full days of self-judgement and self-punishment. I convinced myself once again I had done something to drive him away, I found myself guilty of having been too keen and not having followed the Rules (WTF is wrong with me!?) and then I really despised myself for having texted him with what I felt. So instead of making it easier for myself to get over it asap, I made it harder. And I turned something probably really insignificant (at the end of the day, if he couldn't look into my soul and see the treasures that I know are there, he was nothing but a waste of time for me) into another drama. I declared myself unloveable again (it's a habit I've been mastering for years, probably since I was born!) and decided that I was probably going to spend the rest of my life alone.

Now, if I had been focused on the truth about myself, I would have discarded those thoughts as if they were just annoying flies. Because I do know for a fact that thoughts attract each other and my brain was just doing what it knew best: reviving similar memories and making me believe they were real. If I had been focused on the truth about myself, I would have looked deep inside myself with love and thought 'God, I'm such a wonderful creature, thank you for making me see the beauty and the treasures you put in me!'. I would have not allowed a simple rejection to turn me into a fearful and insecure person all over again. Because I am not that person anymore.

Thankfully it didn't last too long. I opened my eyes to see those annoying demons disappearing like smoke, the moment I realised they were not real. But I honestly don't want to see them back again so I'm holding on to this little word: LOVE. And until I remember it forever and ever, I'll be wearing it on my finger.

Stay inspired, people!


 

Radio silence is NOT cool!

Source: fact.co.uk

“Don't you hate that? Uncomfortable silence. Why do we feel it's necessary to talk about bull in order to feel comfortable? That's when you know you've found somebody really special. When you can just shut the hell up for a minute and comfortably share a silence' -  Pulp Fiction



But there's another kind of uncomfortable silence out there which I'd like to talk about and its name is radio silence. Defined by the Urban Dictionary as occurring 'when somebody doesn't return phone calls or text messages, is most commonly used when trying to develop a relationship with someone.'

I've just been radio silenced. Again.

The first time it happened when I was 21 and very much in love with a handsome Greek man, who used to text me and call every day and night. Until one day, when he stopped completely. Just like that. I was heartbroken. Big time. At 21 you kind of still believe in good intentions and for the life of me I couldn't explain it to myself why he suddenly decided to play dead. He would have saved me years of agony if he'd just picked up the phone and said to me: 'Listen kid, you're nice and sweet and all, but you know what, you're no challenge to me and frankly I'm a bit bored. Plus, I've met this hot Greek lady which I really have the hots for. But don't be upset, your time will come, you'll be a sophisticated lady one day and you'll meet a hot man who'll be dancing to your tune, you just need to grow up a bit. And chill, you know. Don't take it personally, it was fun while it lasted! Yassou!'

12 years later and it gets me every time. Last year, I was dating a guy for two months before he radio silenced me. Damn, it hurt. I told him so. I have this nagging urge to close chapters and wanted to know what the hell possessed him to think it was ok to just disappear without notice. I got nothing until a few months later when I discovered he had sent me a message on the dating website on which we'd initially met. That he was sorry blah blah blah. We met up again a couple of times until I told to myself 'Iulia, what the hell are you doing?' so I told him that I didn't think he was adding any value to my life and that I would appreciate if he stopped contacting me. A couple of days ago he messaged me again. I am in radio silence. But I already said what I had to say and I am in no way miss managing his expectations. He'd probably have to set himself on fire now if he really wanted my attention.

A week ago I was radio silenced again. I went on F-O-U-R dates with someone I really began to like and who's behaviour indicated that he really liked me too. We even had the radio silence conversation on our fourth date (perhaps I was trying to preempt it from happening again so I told him about my unfortunate experience from last year):
Me:  'Isn't it awful?'
Him: 'Yes, it's terrible. It happened to me last year too.'
Great, a man who understands how it feels. Ummm, on a second thought.... After our fourth date, he went under. I send him a text on Sunday,one on Monday and another one on Friday (stupid, I know, hold your stones, it was default behaviour!). Then I deleted his number and our conversations. It was time for me to deal with radio silence differently.

To me, it's one of the most difficult things to deal with. I can't possibly understand why someone who thought highly enough of you to invite you out on a few dates (please note I'm not talking about the silence following one date in which both people don't think things need to be taken further and they mutually radio silence each other) doesn't feel you are worthy to be notified he doesn't want to pursue things with you any longer. Or at least that's how I perceive it because I respect people I engage with enough to tell them directly how I feel right then and there. I don't really look at this and go 'He's nothing but a coward who doesn't deserve any further thought.' No, I fret over it and I lose sleep over it. I just don't get it how can somebody pursue you like you're the hottest thing around since the iPhone and then drop you like you've developed leprosy over night. So what I normally tend to do when this happens is that I spend way too many days feeling bruised and upset, sometimes I try to contact the person and tell them that wasn't a nice thing to do (although it never makes me feel better!) and in the end I decide to be the better person and forgive them. Recipe for success. Not!

As Jen Clarke aptly puts it <“Sometimes your closure is just realising that this guy is scum.” Amen, sister. Sadly, that is very often all the closure you’ll get. And all you should try to get. Attempting to force his hand to defend his actions will rarely result in anything good. You’re not likely to get a real answer. (Should he actually answer the phone, rest assured the following will be coming out of his mouth: “Ummmm, I’ve been busy…” Sound familiar?) So here’s what you have to do: Let him disappear. As tough as it is, it’s really your only recourse. Do anything else and you’ll either be the dumb chick who bought into his excuses or you’ll come off looking like a desperado, or both. (Trust me, I’ve been both and it ain’t pretty.)>

Yep, so did I. And it feels really crap already that you've been discarded but to go through further humiliation is probably 10 times worse.

Although I really do wish that there was a Love Police out there who would diligently make note of  my complaint and shame the offender publicly so he never does it again, I know that's not happening nor that it will in any way prevent it from happening again. So I have decided (do wish me luck because I really want to kick any guy right in between his legs for even thinking this is an OK thing to do!) that I am just moving on. Not holding on to why hasn't he thought highly of me, why didn't he like me? Who cares! As long as I like myself... Which between us, I seriously doubt that I do, since I've let this affect me already more than it should have, but, hey, I guess it's all part of the learning process. At the end of the day, being honest and direct is a matter of self-respect and radio silence is simply NOT cool. At least in my world.

What do you think? Has this happened to you? How do you deal with radio silence?






 

Loveability

I'm going through some very interesting times. I am writing a book which is now turning into something a lot deeper and complex than I initially thought. I've been thinking a lot about something over the last few days: I have a feeling that this book, this project has been given to me with a purpose. I'll develop this further below, as I am also trying to make sense out of it.

I will confess that the idea of a book on dating came to me when I realised that I was something of an unsuccessful dating 'specialist' and if things were going to carry on on the path I was on, I might as well do something productive with it, ie write a book, get it published, the usual. But, unsurprisingly, I wasn't even aware of that myself. It wasn't until I read in Gretchen Ruben's 'The Happiness Project' that she got involved in her happiness project to prepare herself for the worst, that I realised I was basically doing the same thing. I think that deep down inside of me I always thought that having a project (writing a book) will give me a good enough reason to put myself through the miseries of dating et al, without feeling like a failure. I will also confess that my second best dream in life (after finding my soul mate and building a happy life together) was to become an accomplished writer. So, you see, writing a book on dating was my best option. If one failed, I would still have the other. Best case scenario: both!

And as I'm working my way through literature on love, starting up conversations in coffee shops with random men and going on dates, I am finding things out I never thought I would. See, there's a whole literature out there who teaches women how to get men. They usually revolve around sets of rules (such as playing hard to get, replying to a text in no less than 3 hours, being confident, sexy, playful, friendly, relaxed, chatting men up in order to display a confident self but pulling back in order to  get their attention etc etc etc) and they're really doing my head in. It's like learning a new language as you have to constantly think about what do the rules say in such and such situation, which set of rules should you listen to, you're basically forced to rationalise the process too much and end up confused.

There is also a significant body of evidence out there which confirms the fact that LOVE is real, it is something that's recently been accepted by science as legitimate and more so, essential to survival. And I'm not talking about procreation here. We were not born with the ability to survive in the absence of love (however you chose to define it - some people call it the essence of God!). Isolate a mammal and it will eventually die. Just like that, its body will start malfunctioning and it will crash. It's like the body is running out of fuel and the connection with others keeps the fuel pumping. So love does make the world go round even in the scientific circles.

And then there are the 'spiritualists' who all agree that love is the essence of life, is the highest form of wisdom and that it should govern our every move. In a nutshell: love everybody, but start with loving yourself. And I get it. And I do love myself (I think). But then why do I badly want to be in a romantic relationship? What's the point of it if we're suppose to love everybody anyway? So I'm struggling a bit with that, because I feel like I'm doing something wrong by looking for the kind of relationship which usually involves a man, a woman and intimacy [I had a thought on that actually soon after: I think I miss being hugged. I may have lots of friends but I do not hug people on a daily basis. There's a positive effect that hugging and cuddling has on people and my levels are very low right now, so maybe I should just go around hugging my friends for a while...] . And so I was reading from 'Loveability' (by Robert Holden) yesterday on the tube and I almost couldn't stop my tears from running down my face in front of the blase commuters across from me,  when reading about how we are made of love and loving ourselves is the highest form of love, because that's where it all starts. Despite my hard work of so many years already to let go of blockages, love myself, turn bad habits into healthy habits etc, I was still fighting against myself as far as romantic love is concerned. I can't seem to be able to stop from blaming myself for every choice that goes wrong. If I really do love myself, why do I do that? Why can't I just accept things and move on without pointing a finger at myself and saying 'You know what you did wrong there, missy! Let it not happen again, ok?'. My continuous struggle to stop repeating the same mistakes may very well ruin the very present relationships I am trying to establish.

It seems like I am finding more questions than answers at this point, but I figured that I am walking down this path for a reason. I am on a journey of getting deeper connected to my heart instead of my mind. And it's a really difficult thing to do when you've learnt to rationalise your every move all your life. I'm unlearning things and hopefully one day, I will also learn how to love. Properly this time.
 

Iulia's Manifesto

As part of my 'Love Project', I'm reading a lot of books, including Gretchen Rubin's 'The Happiness Project'.
I find her book packed with lots of practical advice and great at instigating action (for instance, today I unpacked my holiday suitcase, folded all my washing, got rid of junk lying around, tidied up my room, put all my 'research books' into a designated basket, went shopping, called my mum, washed my hair and now I'm writing a blog post!), although, as she said, we are different people and we all have our own approach to how we want to improve our lives. She mentions at some point during her 'Lighten Up' chapter that she (and reportedly many other people) doesn't find 'fun' activities fun. 'I love the idea of playing chess' she says,' going to a lecture on international markets, doing crossword puzzles, eating dinner at a hot new restaurant, or having a subscription to the opera or season tickets to the Knicks. I can see exactly why other people enjoy these activities. I wish I enjoyed them. But I don't.'

This made me think about how lucky I am. I like so many things I can hardly keep up with my likings. I like all foods (except snake - I am scared of snakes - and coriander - which I hate, sorry!), I like most drinks and beverages, I have an endless list of favourite films, books, musicians and bands, I like watching and playing sports, I love sleeping in a tent, I enjoy going to festivals, I like exercising, I like learning new languages, I like fashion and clothes, I like arts and crafts, I like architecture, mythology, history, opera and classical music, I adore travelling and there are not many things in this world I wouldn't at least try.  As I am writing, a favourite quote from Walt Whitman pops up in my head. “I am large, I contain multitudes” he says in Leaves of Grass. I think this quote really captures who I am.

I recently mentioned to some friends that I would love to become a personal trainer or some sort of fitness teacher, because I really love exercising and I love helping other people getting the amazing benefits that exercising bring, whilst getting more of it myself. They all responded amused that I shouldn't forget I recently qualified as a professional stylist and that I am also planning to qualify as an English teacher for when I'm going to go travelling through Asia. Not to mention that I am in the process of writing a book.

I get their point and it is indeed a fair point only that... I wouldn't be me if I didn't try all these different things. Because you see, I am large, I contain multitudes. I see myself as made of rubber, I see myself like an elastic band circling the world, I wish I could stretch myself across the whole world. I am not naive, I know that's not possible, but I'll be damned if I am not going to die trying!

I've been spending quite a lot of time lately defining myself (either to craft my online dating profile or trying to write a credible platform about why should people believe anything I have to say about love and relationships). I was told that I'm trying to tick too many boxes and in my case the only word that's untrue is 'trying'. I don't try, I just can't help being 'large'. So I decided to come up with a manifesto, which I wrote down on the plane last night. Here it goes.

Iulia's manifesto

'I care not limit myself. I want to try it all and I want to be it all. I want to squeeze my life for every single experience it has to offer. I make no apologies for my choices, for my choices choose me as much as I choose them. I am more afraid of not trying than I am afraid of failing. I am limitless.'


Or in the words of the great Walt Whitman, “I refuse putting from me the best that I am.”

A word on self-esteem

As some of you know, I've been spending a lot of time lately researching on love and dating for my book. And whether I'm reading the laughable 'The Rules', a spiritual guide to happiness or a scientific paper, I start noticing common themes to all of these various resources. And probably the most common one is the importance of 'self-esteem'.

Everyone talks about it these days but what is self-esteem?

Just think about it for a second. We are willing and happy to project esteem onto someone else, usually a person who has done something magnificent, unique, courageous, fantastic. To hold someone in high esteem is heavy, it means to respect and to honour. There is no doubt that in our minds that person is almost a saint. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. But what really bothers me (and God is my witness how little self-esteem I've had for myself) is why do we find it so difficult to hold ourselves in high esteem?...

Is it because we know how flawed we are? Because we know ourselves inside out and tend to be more critical than loving? But maybe the people we have high regard for are as flawed as we are. Maybe we're not even supposed to be perfect to be worthy of esteem. Maybe by starting with feeling esteem for ourselves, we will become perfect. I don't know...

But what I do know is this: having a high level of self-esteem is the main engine for attracting the right kind of love into one's life without any effort (I'll speak about this more some other time, but my view is that a true loving relationship is supposed to take little or no effort at all) and that self-esteem needs to be constant and consistent.

Imagine you've read all the self-help books in the world about how to get over a guy, how not to call a guy after you break-up, how to play the rules of dating etc, you've finally broken your destructive patterns and started to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but you're still allowing your boss not to treat you with the proper respect you deserve and feeling like a bit of a failure in the work place. And if that wasn't enough, you're still allowing your friends to only make last minute arrangements with you or use you as a listener to brag about their career achievements. Surely this is a sign of depleted self-esteem and in order to make your life (in every possible aspect) work is to make sure you're honouring yourself and the others every day, in every interaction.

Sure, sometimes we can't change people. Sure, we can rationalise into it as much as we want, we can tell ourselves it's just temporary and it doesn't matter anyway, but I tell you one thing: it does matter. Every day you are not defending your true self against esteem erosion, your core dies a little bit. Every day you carry on allowing people to 'mistreat' you, you're losing difficult to recover self-esteem and it impacts on every other aspect of your life. Sooner or later your new-found confidence in love will recede and you'll find yourself back in the attention begging seat.

So sometimes we can't change people. But we sure can change ourselves. Have a look at your life, is there something or someone not honouring you? What CAN and what WILL you do about it?

Every day is a choice for you to make.

It's YOUR LIFE I'm talking about.

The Holstee Manifesto

Stay inspired.