Tuesday 29 September 2009

Random thoughts

I carry this little black book with me everywhere. I am trying to write all sorts of observations on it whenever something strikes me in an attempt to make sense of the world afterwards (when I have the time supposedly, though I've learned you never HAVE the time).
Went through it earlier and here's what came up:

"Had a panic attack in Piccadilly Circus today - I don't want to be here" - that was just before I started a new job.

"Stuck in the middle" - that came out when I realized that I am neither a complete woman of the world satisfied with just being social nor an artist living in another dimension, therefore, stuck in the middle, never reaching a goal in one world or the other...

"Must remember the other idea I had as I was going out of the tube this morning" - I never did. I still wonder what that was, it seems it was quite a big idea, but clearly not very impactful.

"Am I the Wrong Type" - already asked some people for feedback and got no answer. Concluded I don't care and they are dickheads.

"Would I have done things differently" (Night train from Lisbon, the book I was reading inspired me) - answer: absolutely not, I am entirely perfectly happy with the choices I made in life. Though I haven't reached my ultimate goal, I know for a fact I am on the right path. I may have chosen the most difficult one, but that's why I am a Capricorn.

"Big Book about Helen of Troy" - yeah, what is that anyway? Someone in the tube was reading a huge book (the size of a dictionary) called Helen of Troy. Why would anyone write so much about Helen of Troy? She was just the reason to start a war, no personality whatsoever.

"A former relationship diminishes is time. All you feel like saying is just: it didn't work out." I remember the times when I felt I had to explain why. Not anymore.

"Today I followed a pregnant woman at Liverpool Street station" - sometimes I follow people around. She was beautiful, amazing, like a riped fruit, wrapped in a geometric print maxi dress. I followed her around thinking how happy she looked. I wanted to steal that feeling from her and absorb it myself. Like Grenoiulle of Suskind's Perfume, find a way to capture that inner happiness she was trailing behind her. Some people may now think I totally lost my mind.

"The most boring Big Brother. I actually liked it."

"Obsessing about the past. Fear of history repeating!" - I still do it.

"Victoria Beckham lives in airports"

"I refuse to be a victim!"

"Breaking-up season"

" Helen was trying to compensate her hectic lifestyle with a compulsive cleaning disorder" - a story about a crazy woman called Helen told by my new friend K., I find this idea fascinating.

"Relationship success - apply the rules!"

"Don't overlook the signs (trust them). Don't trust words" - don't remember what I had in mind when I wrote that but anyway it seems to be true for any given situation.

"You can't avoid change. It's better to embrance it that reject it."

"Must not blame ourselves when things go wrong. Sometimes we try our best and still fail. There are things in life beyond our control. It's just how it is. All we need to do is pick up the pieces keep on walking. Look only in the eyes of the future" - no comment...

Wednesday 23 September 2009

Reality is...

...that life is a matter of perception. Perceiving life through different angles comes from where you're standing. I'm standing pretty comfortable at the moment and that shows in most aspects of my present life.

It's as simple as that. Call me old fashioned but I am trying to thank God every day for what I have and make the most of it as if there's an expiry date on good fortune. As if if I don't eat the whole cake now, I will regret later. It's like the times when you wished you had enjoyed a kiss longer, or absorb more sunshine before the sun was gone, or speak more often to your parents, live more and sleep less...

These days I feel I don't make lot of sense. Maybe because it's all so intense that I can't really describe it.

I also noticed that, though I don't rejoice on other people' misfortune, it makes me be more grateful for what I have. I now realized what Camus meant by "pain is spiritual food". I wonder if pain gets the worst out of people. I suppose it does. It's usually good fortune that makes you go out and reach other people, trying to help and spread the positive will.

Reality is that we have no power over things. We can be fortune's fool anytime. Roles are changing, cards are played, people are never the same, there are lessons to be learned. I hope I have learned mine. Reality is... do I really know?

Tuesday 15 September 2009

Wising up

It's the little things. It's the little things you notice about yourself that make your step stronger when you're walking on the street, it's when you find yourself singing along your new favourite band while getting ready to go out, it's the time you take to put on the make-up in the morning and feel good about yourself, ready to start the day with confidence. It's the long hot bath you take in the evening after coming soaked up from work and actually be fine all by yourself.

It's the time I am talking to be all by myself and be comfortable all by myself. It's being me and loving it, not fearing that I should be somewhere else, with someone else, on another planet, in another era, in another life, in a relation-ship, in a different country, in a different body. I am perfectly fine where I am and I thank God for finally opening my eyes to really see that.

I used to carry around a Greek tragedy, absolutely convinced that a bad karma is following me, that life is supposed to be all about pain and suffering, wanting all that I couldn't have and punishing myself for not getting it. It must come from a generic soul that I share with my country fellowmen, living with an inferiority complex doubled up but an insatious desire of having it all.

I used to think that I am unlucky in love. I used to honestly believe that, just because I am an incredible, smart, cultured, funny, desirable woman, I would charm any man would cross my path and just because of bad karma I wouldn't get too far. Somehow these days I think that being great has absolutely nothing to do with it. Clearly it helps, but now I finally wised up to believe that men only want what they can't have and it's the same as with training a dog: apply some simple rules, work out a conditional reaction. I finally got the answers to all my love life melodramas: making yourself available is not a sign of honest reciprocal interest, but pure stupidity.

Somehow I am amazed by how simple life can actually be. Making it more sofisticated attracts complications. No wonder intelectual people are a romantic wreck - they think too much and instead of working out how to deal with basic instincts, they try and reason their way around and blisfully fail.

It's the little things. It's waking up in the morning, wearing a nice red dress and feeling fabulos knowing what I know about myself and that will suffice for now.

Wednesday 2 September 2009

Time of change

Sometimes months go by and you lead such an insignificant life that you have nothing to say. And sometimes it only takes 2-3 weeks to fill your life with events that simply blow your mind and carry you away.

During the past month I have done/achieved the following: visited Switzerland, changed my job, made a lot of new friends at work, took surfing lessons in Cornwall (two things I have wanted to do in a very long time - surf and go to Cornwall), assisted a TV pilot show in Covent Garden and found the cheapest and most amazing gym in central London and kind of met someone in between. I would say quite a handful there.