Loveability

I'm going through some very interesting times. I am writing a book which is now turning into something a lot deeper and complex than I initially thought. I've been thinking a lot about something over the last few days: I have a feeling that this book, this project has been given to me with a purpose. I'll develop this further below, as I am also trying to make sense out of it.

I will confess that the idea of a book on dating came to me when I realised that I was something of an unsuccessful dating 'specialist' and if things were going to carry on on the path I was on, I might as well do something productive with it, ie write a book, get it published, the usual. But, unsurprisingly, I wasn't even aware of that myself. It wasn't until I read in Gretchen Ruben's 'The Happiness Project' that she got involved in her happiness project to prepare herself for the worst, that I realised I was basically doing the same thing. I think that deep down inside of me I always thought that having a project (writing a book) will give me a good enough reason to put myself through the miseries of dating et al, without feeling like a failure. I will also confess that my second best dream in life (after finding my soul mate and building a happy life together) was to become an accomplished writer. So, you see, writing a book on dating was my best option. If one failed, I would still have the other. Best case scenario: both!

And as I'm working my way through literature on love, starting up conversations in coffee shops with random men and going on dates, I am finding things out I never thought I would. See, there's a whole literature out there who teaches women how to get men. They usually revolve around sets of rules (such as playing hard to get, replying to a text in no less than 3 hours, being confident, sexy, playful, friendly, relaxed, chatting men up in order to display a confident self but pulling back in order to  get their attention etc etc etc) and they're really doing my head in. It's like learning a new language as you have to constantly think about what do the rules say in such and such situation, which set of rules should you listen to, you're basically forced to rationalise the process too much and end up confused.

There is also a significant body of evidence out there which confirms the fact that LOVE is real, it is something that's recently been accepted by science as legitimate and more so, essential to survival. And I'm not talking about procreation here. We were not born with the ability to survive in the absence of love (however you chose to define it - some people call it the essence of God!). Isolate a mammal and it will eventually die. Just like that, its body will start malfunctioning and it will crash. It's like the body is running out of fuel and the connection with others keeps the fuel pumping. So love does make the world go round even in the scientific circles.

And then there are the 'spiritualists' who all agree that love is the essence of life, is the highest form of wisdom and that it should govern our every move. In a nutshell: love everybody, but start with loving yourself. And I get it. And I do love myself (I think). But then why do I badly want to be in a romantic relationship? What's the point of it if we're suppose to love everybody anyway? So I'm struggling a bit with that, because I feel like I'm doing something wrong by looking for the kind of relationship which usually involves a man, a woman and intimacy [I had a thought on that actually soon after: I think I miss being hugged. I may have lots of friends but I do not hug people on a daily basis. There's a positive effect that hugging and cuddling has on people and my levels are very low right now, so maybe I should just go around hugging my friends for a while...] . And so I was reading from 'Loveability' (by Robert Holden) yesterday on the tube and I almost couldn't stop my tears from running down my face in front of the blase commuters across from me,  when reading about how we are made of love and loving ourselves is the highest form of love, because that's where it all starts. Despite my hard work of so many years already to let go of blockages, love myself, turn bad habits into healthy habits etc, I was still fighting against myself as far as romantic love is concerned. I can't seem to be able to stop from blaming myself for every choice that goes wrong. If I really do love myself, why do I do that? Why can't I just accept things and move on without pointing a finger at myself and saying 'You know what you did wrong there, missy! Let it not happen again, ok?'. My continuous struggle to stop repeating the same mistakes may very well ruin the very present relationships I am trying to establish.

It seems like I am finding more questions than answers at this point, but I figured that I am walking down this path for a reason. I am on a journey of getting deeper connected to my heart instead of my mind. And it's a really difficult thing to do when you've learnt to rationalise your every move all your life. I'm unlearning things and hopefully one day, I will also learn how to love. Properly this time.