Voicing my fears

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This is not a post I wrote easily. In fact, it may be the most difficult one I've ever written. In this post I am exposing my fears. And that's something I was - still am - very much scared to do... But I felt it had to be done. Once and for all, I had to exorcise my fears. 


I've had some disturbing thoughts in the last couple of weeks and I've had troubles sleeping. I am tired from the lack of good quality sleep (when I do sleep, it comes with weird exhausting dreams) and I'm irrationally anxious. I'm so tangled in these thoughts that I do all sorts of things, totally unaware. Last night, for example, I went to bed with my contacts on and even showered with them. I woke up in the morning panting from the realisation that I might have damaged my eyes forever. I felt guilty but more so I couldn't shake off the feeling that I was afraid of something.

This is not like me.

I'm living some of the most exciting times of my life, I feel like an enormous amount of energy is being pumped through me to turn it into something creative, life changing and inspiring, and despite this marvellous energetic activity, I find myself getting visits from the same old fears, every now and then.

But I've decided I've lived with my fears for too long. I've decided I'm going to face my fears and spit in their faces. And for this I have to brace myself and just let them run through me, while I stand my ground until there's nothing left of them. As Jim Morrison said, “Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.” 

But I guess that's easier said than done because maybe I am afraid of expressing my fears. I have to gather the courage to list them down. Make them look tiny and harmless. But will they look tiny and harmless? Will they seem ridiculous enough for me to laugh at them? Let's see...


Fear no 1: I'm going to die alone!



Source: fun4thebrain.com

I am afraid that because I've been single for six years (with the occasional two months or so relationship in between) that this who I am, that this is my label, this is how the world sees me, but most importantly that this is how I see myself.
I'm afraid that I'm always going to be that girl who's always single. Yeah, you know which girl I'm talking about, the one who's always out on some adventure somewhere, while everyone else is in relationships, buying houses and having babies, like normal people do. The girl who's always almost in a relationship but never quite in one!






Fear no 2: The guys I like don't like me back!

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Well, they never do. As soon as I get really interested in someone, the moment I become excited about someone, all these men (without exception!) pull back. I don't know why, maybe I turn into the little guy to the left here and scare them all away! Boooo!
But isn't love supposed to be irrational, aren't these guys supposed to like me for my craziness, for my insecurities and for my neurotic moments as much as they should like me for my elegance, intelligence, sense of humour, beauty etc? 
Anyway, I'm afraid to like someone because I think they won't like me back or that they'll leave me. As it has already happened to me so many times before...






Fear no 3: My desire to find love is not legitimate enough!

I mean I have a happy life, great friends, family, activities I enjoy, I live in a privileged society in times of peace, I have my health and the integrity of my body, so what more do I want? Sometimes I feel I'm just not supposed to find someone to have an extraordinary relationship with and maybe I should just accept that and stop whining. But I can't, I really want one. Is that really so terrible? Am I allowed to be upset for not being in a loving relationship?...






Fear no 4: Nothing will change one year, two years, three years, seven years from now...

Well, nothing really changed for six years so I have all the reasons to believe I'll find myself in exactly the same place next year, and probably 10 years after that. Sure, I'll have some flings along the way, but essentially I'll be a single woman looking for something to make her life interesting. Maybe I'll become Mother Teresa the 2nd and walk the Earth, helping the sick and poor. They'll sanctify me and all, but little will they know it's all because I didn't meet the right man at the right time, to settle down with and have beautiful blond children with! The irony...





And sometimes, something else creeps up on me. I'm jealous of my friends...

I DO LOVE my friends. I want the best for them. But I also want the best for me and I can't help but feeling just a little bit jealous when I see things are happening in their lives and nothing happens in mine.

But someone said something to me today: 'Never look at someone else's plate, everyone's got their fair share of tragedy we don't know about'. And I know that's true and I know it's wrong of me to feel jealous of anyone, but I hope that if I just admit it to myself and accept the way I'm feeling, then maybe I won't feel jealous anymore... Maybe I'll set myself free... Free from judging myself against others and free from setting deadlines and beating myself about not achieving my self-imposed targets, instead of blisfully just living my life as I ought to.

Today I saw this video, which made me cry... It's a video for Vans shoes, part of a campaign which uses testimonials of people who have overcome great barriers. And it made me think about the fact that maybe, in the words of Amy Purdy (the woman in the video): 'This happened to the right person. Because I knew that I can handle it.'

"I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.”
(Frank Herbert, Dune)


What are you afraid of?...