January blues

To be expected... Back to freezy London, back to reality... You think: right, I am really 29 now and still confused about life... Sometimes you need someone to hold you at night and feel yeah, I'm not alone... Mostly you feel like a freak who never gets the things she wishes for...

Sometimes (let's say yesterday) you want to strangle the barmaid for keeping you waiting for a drink for more than half an hour when in reality all you want is someone to hold your hand and say to you: I'm right here by your side, baby.

Sometimes you feel really jealous of the rest of the world and can't stand to see happy people. You don't mind their being happy, you just don't want this to be thrown in your face as if they're saying with a sardonic smile: what are you going to do about it???

Other times you wonder why some people think you drink too much when everyone around you drinks as much and you do realize that you MIGHT have a problem... Again... Last time you had such a problem you fleed the country. What are you going to do now?...

There are of course the times when people tell you that you have to change when in reality this disturbs you as you swore you won't change for anyone ever again and you don't care if the way you are is right or wrong, it's just who you are at the moment and you live the essence of your misery with pleasure even if that means drinking too much or snogging random people or buying shoes. It's just a way of getting by and you know that will end one day anyway...

Sometimes you rejoice with pain. It makes you feel alive and being outrageous scares the others but it does make you feel better. Keeping quiet for so long never helped. Maybe it's time to start a bloody revolution!

And if all these had to have a name, their name would be January. January blues...