You may have noticed I've been a bit more quiet lately (or just less vocal than usually, some might say). The reason being I'm doing lots and lots and lots of research for the 'Love book' (that's how I like to call it now :). And the more I dig deep into the whole love and dating universe I discover so much more about myself. I suppose that in the end this is its purpose: I'm going on a journey and taking everyone else along with me.
One of the things I've come across during my readings, is the notion of 'high value' woman. Nothing special so far because don't we all, modern women of today, really value ourselves?
I don't know. Looking back at my own life, I wouldn't be so sure...
In order to be perceived as someone of high value you have to be someone of high value. Every day, in every relationship. You don't take a break from being 'high value'.
I remember there was a time in my life (not too long ago, I'm reluctantly admitting) when I had mainly casual relationships. When asked, I replied saying that the people I got involved with weren't what I was looking for anyway, so in the meantime, I might as well just have fun. In time, it became a lifestyle, a way of being. Soon I forgot how to act differently...
So I had to change. In every aspect, in every relationship, past any history I may had had with anyone, I had to start acting like a woman of high value. Because it wasn't about how 'they' perceived me but about how I perceived myself!
Starting with friendships. The moment you can stand up to a 'friend' who only contacts you for last minute social requests, then you can stand up to a man you're dating and do the same thing. Your friend doesn't value you and neither does the man you're dating.
And moving onto the 'mixed' friendships. Let's admit it, we all have them. That guy who is really just your friend, but is always there to have a drink with you, massage your ego when you get dumped and somehow ends up between your bedsheets with your lipstick all over his face. Or the friend who really is just a friend and he sees nothing but a big fat 'FRIEND' in you, but who you really fancy the pants out of him and secretly hope he'll see one day how amazing you are and fancy the pants out of you back. Yes, all those 'mixed' friendships are bad for you. Finish them or sort them out. Friends or lovers! Or nothing! Being an 'in betweener' doesn't bring you anything of value.
And finishing with the men you are dating. Or would like to. Or you need to stop dating. All those men who don't see in you the same 'high value' as you do are a no brainer. They'll cancel themselves out. All the others who do see, will make an effort and they're really the only ones who deserve to get to know you.
It's not so easy to spot and stop the relatioships in your life which are undermining your 'high value', but don't let yourself be put off. Sometimes they feel so natural, they're so imbedded in your life that it will take a bit of searching. But it's like starting training for a marathon. It always ever starts with that first mile...
I've been training for this kind of 'marathon' for a while and happy to see the results in my everyday life. I'm not ready to run the whole race yet, but I'm definitely in the right training programme. And I can highly recommend it ;)
Love it or hate it, V day takes so much energy out of people.
Oh, how I used to love feeling miserable on Valentine's Day! A black day in my life calendar's, a cruel reminder I was alone and unloved. What a relief to have outgrown these ludicrous self-imposed pressures.
It feels pretty good to be light hearted on Valentine's day. And if you want to have a right old laugh go inside a Paperchase a day before V DAY and marvel at the swarms of (ridiculously good looking! ) men fretting over what card would the loved one be most satisfied with.
I went there with my friend the other day and felt really tempted to use some of my newly learnt 'attract-love-into-your -love' techniques, which involves striking up a conversation with a man and asking something silly like 'Do you think this card is made of recycled paper?', whilst harbouring the most seductive smile ever known to humans. But looking at all the men's concerned faces I realised that was a mission doomed to fail. And anyway, that wasn't why I was in Paperchase for. I was in Paperchase to look for a 'neutral' Valentine's card - the kind of card you give to someone you've only just started dating - in an attempt to save my friend from the embarrassment of giving her date a card which implied too much sentiment.
After reading numerous advice books and having failed at more-than-I'd-like-to-admit attempts of relationships over the past 6 years of singleton-ness, I figured that much: she must stop herself from giving too much away on V Day. An almost impossible mission though. Noisy love declarations everywhere. Nothing simple like: 'Happy V Day. Best, x '. There were hearts given away, hearts stolen, hearts halved in two by arrows, hearts serenading, hearts holding hands, hearts promising each other eternal love, hearts and hearts and hearts and hearts!... It took us a while until we found something with a democratic message: Circle the one option which applies to you. Phew, crisis averted. By the time we got to the till, the mile long queue of (ridiculously good looking - I hope they have single twin brothers!) men had shrinked. I didn't get to ask anyone about the recycled paper, but that felt good. All I could picture for myself that evening was a cup of tea and an early night. No V Day date was just fine with me.
The thing with Valentine's day is that it's a bit like marmite: you either love it or hate it. But how about being neutral to it?...
Yes, there is definitely a whole new kind of energy this year. An energy that's so positive and prolific, I'm amazed of such power. It's like I've been handed a magic wand which I've got to be really careful how I use before I turn somebody into Skittles, should I play around with it carelessly.
Some of you may remember that I pledged to write a dating book last year. This year, that feeble and fun idea which came about during an evening out over a glass of wine, is slowly but surely becoming an actual project.
I have a few people on board who are willing and happy to be part of it. I'm reading a lot of books (from philosophy and psychology to 'scientific' papers such as 'How to Be So Irresistible You'll Barely Keep from Dating Yourself!'), brushing up my dating shoes, polishing up my online dating profile, going to workshops and speed dating events, totally immersing myself in the world of dating, in the hope that I'll find something real and relevant to share with the world. And the more I get involved, the more I realise how rich the body of knowledge is. It looks like this will take a lot longer than I initially estimated....
I am planning for a 2013 delivery, but I'm afraid it's not going to be April. More likely the finalisation of the research will come about towards the end of the year, as a minimum of 6 months of experimenting and documenting is probably required. So, if this is something you are eagerly awaiting, pretty please, bear with me. Needless to say, I will need all the help I can get so if you've discovered an interesting article or a book which may be useful, or you'd like to be part of the research, drop me a line.
Source:guardian.co.uk
The funny thing is that I used to believe love was some random accident that will just 'happen' to you (if you're lucky) and stay with you (if you're even luckier!). I've spent countless anxious moments fretting over 'when will I be dumped'. I've spent all my energy trying to convince the opposite sex I was worthy of attention, missing out in the process the fact that I am extraordinary and I do deserve an extraordinary relationship. But since I've concocted this project and started researching it, I am starting to believe that, like with anything else in life, finding love is a matter of attitude. It's something you deliberately open yourself up to and fully attract in your life. Whether that's going to happen, we'll see in the course of the next few months, but in the meantime, 'Hello, Love! It's time for us to go on a ride!'
When somebody close to you dies, you feel you have the right to cry out your feelings, feel miserable, feel turned inside up and outside down, feel angry or suppress emotions - however you chose to deal with it, you have the right! When somebody you didn't know that well dies, then... the decent thing to do is to shut up, present your condolences and try not to let the tragic event affect you that much. But not knowing someone that intimately doesn't mean that sometimes, when someone you know dies, you're not utterly shaken to the core.
A dear friend's wife died a bit over a month ago... A tragic, shocking and unreasonable death, which I knew was going to really affect me, but I was travelling when it happened, so I somehow managed to postpone its impact, like a tsunami frozen in time.
I usually find some sort of comfort in knowing that sometimes deaths can be explained. Ok, so it was an accident, nothing anyone could have done about it. Ok, so he contracted malaria in Malawi while on gap year because he forgot to take his tablets and died. Action and consequence. What are the chances this would happen to me?
But this was no accident. This was a battle with cancer which was fought bravely and for a while it seemed like life was winning. But despite all the great progress, a wonderful mother and wife was taken away in a flash. A person who was so positive that I had no doubt will fight this and win it! Someone my age. Someone who's lived a healthy life, a good life, a generous life. Someone who's given nothing but love and positive thoughts to the world. Someone... like me?...
So I was left with a bunch question in my head... 'How did this happen? She was recovering so well...' 'Why her?' 'Why not me?' 'How can I be sure this won't happen to me?' I let myself spiral down a dangerous path onto which I've been before, after my uncle died of cancer two years ago. I felt like I had a duty to do something about it. Like I can't just be relieved it didn't happen to me, present my condolences and carry on with my life. Because suddenly I was looking at the idea of death in the face. It wasn't anymore an abstract notion which I could just fend off hopefully for many many years. It wasn't just something that happens to other people. It was something that can happen to me, to you, to her, to the guy across from me on the tube, the one reading 'Train Spotting' who I quite think is cute, to the girl who's serving me coffee at Pret in the morning, the really pretty and smiley one, to anyone and everyone I know.
I suddenly felt guilty for all the times I was bored, I felt my life was uninteresting, I was upset for stupid reasons, for believing life wasn't worth living alone, for feeling no passion for my job, for complaining about the weather, for all the crazy thoughts only someone ignorant of death can possibly have. I felt particularly humbled after I read her blog. Thoughts she trusted into the digital space, not knowing how much life to live she still had left...
'Sometimes I think something must be wrong with me... I have metastatic cancer, my doctor said he doesn't know how much time I've got left, but despite it all, I'm probably living some of the happiest days of my life... Am I crazy?' she wrote a couple of months before she passed away. 'My diagnosis does not make me any different than the healthy people. They don't know either how many days they've got to live. Nobody knows. Now I'm alive and I'm living it beautifully.'
I also found out from her blog about the possible connection between parabens (common preservatives found in almost every cosmetic product and toiletry) and breast cancer. And in a desperate attempt to claim the longevity of my life, I started raiding all my possessions. I threw away half of the bottles filled with lotions and gels and quarantined a bag of expensive face creams with no ingredients listed as guilty until proven otherwise ( by the way, expensive creams like Elizabeth Arden 8 Hour Cream and Clarins Flash Beauty Balm do have parabens - binned!). I binned two full bottles of L'Oreal True Match Foundation (a best-selling product I've been using for years) containing three types of parabens and replaced it with an expensive Benefit one the very next day. I've even stopped using the hand soap at work for the same reason (I still wash my hands but use my own paraben-free sanitiser). What's happening to me? Am I getting crazy?... IS THIS HOW I'M GOING TO STAY ALIVE??
No, this is not how I am going to stay alive. I can't protect myself from every single potentially harmful and deadly element from my environment and I can't live in fear. But what I can do is live, breathe, smile, love, cry, do all the stupid things and all the great things I want to do, never once look back and say; 'I wish I had lived my life differently.'
This post is dedicated to the memory of Ina Coretchi, a wonderful woman and someone who taught me life's so worth living and full of endless possibilities. Rest in peace.
Hong Kong born Eurasian, DJ Janette Slack has been making
music in London since 2003, jamming up the nights on the London club scene. She
has now launched her own label Slack Trax and some really cool tunes she’s been
crafting lately. I interviewed her last year for Bitch-online magazine and I
was totally charmed by this lady who's got so much energy, drive, coolness factor and hunger
for life.
She’s the perfect example that when you love something bad enough,
there’s nothing to stop you from doing it. I couldn’t miss the opportunity to
publish her interview for my Inspire campaign.
When did you arrive
in London?
I went to University in the UK when I was 17 and returned in
2001 to do a Sound Engineering diploma and I haven’t looked back since. I love
London because it has so many opportunities, there’s so much room for growth
here, and I feel I can evolve as an artist.
So when did it all
start? When did you start your DJ career?
I started DJ-ing when I was in Hong Kong and when I moved to
London I started spending a lot of time in the record stores like Plastic
Fantastic, Carbon in Urban Outfitters, Vinyl Addiction, all the shops in Soho.
That’s where I’ve made lots of connection and it’s how it all started. Half way
through my hospitality management course at University, I became curious about
how music is made. Then Napster came out and I was obsessed with collecting
sound effects and I started to edit them on something called Cool Edit Pro,
making ‘mixed tapes’ using music, jokes from South Park, Beavis and Butthead,
Steve Martin, Eddie Izzard, and then slot them in between music and songs. I
made them as Xmas presents. Then I realised that’s what I liked doing, I love
sound effects. I wanted to learn how to write music because sometimes I found
myself criticising the tune and thought, ‘who am I to criticise it if I don’t
know how to write it myself?’ I had DJ and producer friends who I kept asking ‘how
does that work?’, ‘what does that button do?’. I kept asking lots of questions
and even though they were nice to me, I really thought I should do a course
where you can ask all the stupid questions you want so I did a Sound
Engineering course in 2001.
Tell us about your
music, what makes it unique, what makes it different?
I’m not musically trained so it takes me a long time to
write tracks. The only musical instrument I learnt how to play was drums for about
a year. So I don’t know how to play any instrument at an amazing level but only
enough so I can lay down ideas which make sound engineering and programming
come in handy as you can programme it all and as long as it sounds clear and
crisp then you don’t really need a band to rely on. I really enjoy programming
drums and because I come from a more of a rock music background (my dad’s
influence) I enjoy recording real bass guitars and real guitars. My music is a
hybrid between rock and electronic music. I’m really inspired by bands like Hybrid,
Nine Inch Nails, Dave Grohl from Foo Fighters, Underworld, Orbital, The Prodigy,
Chemical Brothers, Basement Jaxx, all these amazing artists which are their own
thing. You can hear they’ve got inspiration from something else and they’ve
turned it into their own thing using electronica. So I collaborate sometimes
with vocalists, it can be funk vocalists, a rapper, a singer, male or female,
and it’s really nice to see what interesting layers they bring on top of my
music.
What kind of clubs
have you normally performed at, is there a particular scene you tend to stick
to?
I’ve been kind of drifting, between all the scenes. When I
first moved to London, because my passion was in break beat, I’ve played at various
clubs and bars ranging from gay, straight and fetish. About 6 years ago I got
my first warm up set at Torture Garden. I’ve now been a resident there for 6
years and it’s definitely not boring.
Have you got a
signature look when you’re performing?
It took me a long time to find the image that was right for
me. You just got to believe in whatever it is what you you’re wearing. But as
long as you don’t get lazy and stay on top of your craft it doesn’t really
matter what you wear. I generally tend to wear what I feel like. As a woman
there are days when you want to wear trousers and days when you want to wear
tights. It’s trying to keep a balance, dressing with a bit of attitude. And if
there’s a theme like Halloween, hen dos etc... it helps you do your thinking
about what clothes you’re going to wear. You end up wearing something you never
thought of wearing before and the night gives you the option to. I am also
becoming more open to things such as wearing body paint etc.Sometimes I want to stand out and sometimes I
don’t.
You’ve launched you
own label. Tell us all about it.
I’ve launched my own label Slack Trax last year and it’s got
its first release on 29th Oct with a track called ‘Girl in Black’. It’s the
most ‘pop’ish, commercial track I’ve ever done. All my tracks have always been
moody. I’ve been renovating my own warehouse with no contractors, my studio was
in storage for a year and after I’ve been surrounded by cables and insulation,
concrete and plaster for a long time, I just wanted to write something happy
and fun. It’s also got a handful of remixes as well. There’s a version for
everyone. The next single ‘You Can’t Stop This’ was released on the 4th
of Dec. I’ve collaborated with Kickflip on that one and it’s more honest to what
I play at Torture Garden and what I’m writing right now. It’s got guitars in
it, real drums, vocals from Javone Prince (from Channel 4’s Phoneshop) and some
really cool noises that make sense.
My album ‘Torture Garden Session’ got released in late
January/ Early February.I have limited
edition CDs that you can order on www.janetteslack.com
. The album will be available on all the digital shops such as iTunes,
Trackitdown, Beatport, Juno, Amazon etc.... So far the label it’s been getting
really good response. DJMag have shown lots of support, Mixmag have given Slack
Trax 2 ‘Tune of the Month’ titles, and I just got interviewed by Time Magazine
because of setting up the label. Things look promising.
What’s next?
I just want to keep writing and I just want to get better at
everything I’m doing. One of the styles I play is progressive and electro and
break beat and there’s a slower tempo called nu funk and glitch hop which is
faster than hip hop but slower than electro and it’s a really sexy pace,
there’s cool vocals, it really hits the spot for me. And that’s something I really
want to explore more.
What advice would you
give someone who’d like to become a DJ?
Make sure you’re doing it for the right reasons. Don’t
expect instant rewards, you’ve got to be in it for the long run, there are no
such things as shortcuts. Don’t be afraid to ask. It’s ok not to know
everything. Be careful who you trust. Be aware that it’s a very expensive thing
to get into. But as long as you’re happy with doing what you’re doing and
you’re doing it for yourself, you’re on the right path... I knew what I wanted
to do this since I was teen so it’s obvious it’s not a phase. I’m still loving
it, I want this to last forever.
Janette's video 'Girl in Black' is out now. Check it out!
I believe in the providential roles of books. Cloud Atlas came my way only when I was ready for it. I started reading it a few times before and abandoned it every time, only to pick it up again. But not sooner than when I was prepared, I actually started reading this book, which talks about souls and reincarnation without being prescriptive. Only now I find myself open to the idea of eternal souls (souls passing through time like clouds in the sky), of people being bound to eachother, 'birthing' through their crimes and acts of kindness, their future.
My fascination with this book is too intense to put into words, and yet I have grown as a reader to the extent that I am actually enjoying it slowly. I'm not gulping it down like I did with others in the past, I'm reading it with the respect one should give to the savouring of caviar. I won't even start talking about the many literary merits of this extraordinary book, and just share a few quotes, whose strenght and relevance might ensure that they will forever live in my memory. “A half-read book is a half-finished love affair.”
“My life amounts to no more than one drop in a limitless ocean. Yet what is any ocean, but a multitude of drops?” “Our lives are not our own. We are bound to others, past and present,
and by each crime and every kindness, we birth our future.”
“Power, time, gravity, love. The forces that really kick ass are all invisible.” “I believe there is another world waiting for us. A better world. And i'll be waiting for you there.”
“You say you're 'depressed' - all i see is resilience. You are allowed
to feel messed up and inside out. It doesn't mean you're defective - it
just means you're human.” “All revolutions are the sheerest fantasy until they happen; then they become historical inevitabilities.”
“We looked at each other for the last time; nothing is as eloquent as nothing.”
“Travel far enough, you meet yourself.” “...there ain't no journey what don't change you some.”
“Times are you say a person's b'liefs ain't true, they think you're sayin' their lifes ain't true an' their truth ain't true.”
“If losers can exploit what their adversaries teach them, yes, losers can become winners in the long term.”
“The uncreated and the dead exist solely in our actual and virtual pasts.” “As an experienced editor, I disapprove of flashbacks, foreshadowings,
and tricksy devices; they belong in the 1980s with M.A.s in
postmodernism and chaos theory.”
In an essay for Random House, David Mitchell, the author of 'Cloud Atlas', wrote:
"I
knew I wanted to be a writer since I was a kid, but until I came to
Japan to live in 1994 I was too easily distracted to do much about it. I
would probably have become a writer wherever I lived, but would I have
become the same writer if I'd spent the last 6 years in London, or Cape
Town, or Moose Jaw, on an oil rig or in the circus? This is my answer to
myself."
Monday, 21st of January, has been branded by the media as the 'most depressing day of the year'. It's strange, but ever since I've been back from Vietnam and was expecting to be hit by post-holiday blues, I've been eerily calm, peaceful and optimistic. As for January blues... Didn't happen!
I am clearly a new person.
I'm familiar with this new self because I've been carrying it around for months and maybe even years, like in a marsupial pouch, nourishing it, letting it grow. But now the new self is fully developed and it's out of its hiding place. And it's shaking out like a puppy, stretching its limbs and filling its lungs with air, blinking its eyes repeatedly as if to get used to the world, like a person who's just been woken up from a deep sleep. Everything around my new self is familiar and yet anew.
My new self seems a lot more knowledgeable and confident than my old self. It is aware of a freedom my old self never knew it had. It comes with understanding and acceptance, rather than questioning. It comes with a new found self-respect and an unlimited supply of lust for life. It looks at people and sees souls instead of form.
And my new self is re-evaluating the plans my old self made at the end of 2012. And some of them are still there, waiting to happen, while others are scrutinised, parked, improved or discarded. My new self is not judging that. Plans are fluid, like life, they are meant to change and be re-framed. I think 2013 has brought more clarity on the plans I scribbled down on post-its last year. And my self is happy. There's a story in the making for 2013. And it's totally new!
I have this theory about relationships. Why they are so difficult to find and keep. It's a theory about 'Too many options'.
Take holiday romances for example. Travelling up and down Vietnam for 3 weeks I've met many people. People who travel behave differently when in a hot new environment and they need not worry about consequences or expectations. People get together and get apart with the speed of lightning. If that's what one is looking for, you're spoiled for choice when travelling in a hot country. Sun kissed skin is on display everywhere, bleached hair and gym trained bodies are running free without apologies, providing a feast for hungry eyes. The tropical sun has the power to transform and everyone looks like legendary amazons. It's a cool crowd to be part of. It's a cool crowd to hook up with. If that's what one is looking for...
I've been practising abstinence for almost 6 months now. Because I couldn't deal anymore with the side-effects of meaningless sex. And it's a lot easier than I initially thought, easier than quitting smoking or renouncing alcohol. But being abstinent didn't bring a hell of a lot of holiday romance my way. I kept myself pretty much at bay, with the occasional harmless flirt. And that's when you stop being interesting to holiday romancers. When there's a world of options out there, you're just another passenger without much to offer. I certainly don't regret my decision but it made me think. Unlike relationships in the city, holiday relationships may actually really start with sex. But I was happy just to observe and enjoy being a bit of a 'Mother Teresa' (as one of my friends likes to call me).
Towards the end of my trip I met a lovely Slovenian - German couple whom I befriended during the day trip to Cu Chi tunnels. We immediately clicked and decided to have drinks in the evening together. As we were sipping (some of us slurping, ie me) Saigon beers on the roof terrace of the hotel I was staying at, they asked me if I had a boyfriend They seemed really surprised when I said I didn't.
I suddenly found myself compelled to defend myself and retorted excuses from my existential theories (which is also the basis of my dating book in the making): 'The problem with living in London' I said, 'is that there are too many options and individuals feel pressured to go out there and always search for something better. The level of consumerism is so high that people treat relationships the same way they treat a Snickers bar: consume and discard the wrapping. I have been unable to find a meaningful relationship as yet.'
As I was talking, I could see their distrustful faces.
'The truth is' I said toning down my enthusiasm, 'I don't know why I am single. It's just what it is.'
That moment there I had an epyphany and I remember it because:
a) I realised that my theories are probably full of dingo-crap. Everyday, thousands of people get together, get married, move to the suburbs and make babies in London.
b) Maybe there is another reason why I am single (and have been for many years) which has nothing to do with my theories about 'too many options'. Maybe little old me has been spared couple-life because little old me has got something else to do with her life than move to the suburbs and make babies. Maybe a holiday romance is still out there waiting for me...
Less than a week ago I was one of the pasty tourists all crammed up in a bus driving along from Saigon to the Cu Chi tunnels. Our guide, Minh, was older than the usual guides and his English was a strange mix of real and invented words, making it difficult for us to understand more than 50% of what he was saying.
I didn't take too much notice to his discourse (I don't really buy all the tour guides' propaganda selling fabricated stuff to tourists who take them for valuable stories and experiences) until I found out that this guy has been in the war. Yes, he was 70 years old and the first Vietnam war veteran I have ever met. Turns out he fought alongside the Americans and spent 6 months in an underground tunnel until the war ended. He thought he was going to die there. And yet there he was, more alive than half of the people snoozing on the bus, talking about something he would probably much rather forget, because it was his job.
I tried to imagine Minh, at 25, surrounded by blood, dirt and bomb shells, holding hands with an American soldier the same age as him, both wondering from which direction was Death coming to get them. Death never came his way. It let him live so he can tell war stories to tourists half-listening, half-wondering what will they have for dinner later. I tried to imagine the jungle at Cu Chi with sweaty soldiers marching carefully not to step on traps, wondering if they ever thought the very ground they were walking on will one day rustle under flip-flops and trainers of people coming to see what the Vietnam war was all about.
'Do you think we have no freedom in Vietnam?' Minh asked. 'Let me tell you, we have as much freedom as you. We all live in a cage. Only that your cage is bigger than our cage.'
I watched him in bewilderment. He was absolutely right. We live our lives ignoring the edges of our freedom bubble. Here I was in Vietnam, set free from my cage, knowing that I'll have to return to it at curfew. It made me wonder, how free are we really? What choices could I make in my life? Could I escape my cage and run wild like the wind or could I just accept living in a cage and free myself through non-resistance. Could I really be one of these people who pack their lives in a suitcase and buy a one way ticket, with destination WORLD?
I've met a lot of people during this trip who have quit their jobs and went travelling. I've met a lot of people in search for a higher meaning to their lives. I'm one of these people, searching, never satisfied with a comfortable cage. I wonder if it's because we've never been in a war or lived through something extreme. If we did, it would probably teach us to stay put and be content with our cages, whether big or small. But there must be a reason to our search for meaning. Maybe all the wars in the world had a purpose...
I think Minh said it all smiling with all his crooked teeth: 'Smile and be happy that you're alive! That's all!'
I'm sitting in an air-conditioned, modern and chilled cafe on Bui Vien Street in Ho Chi Min City. It's a small little cafe called Sozo, a brave little venture committed to help and employ disadvantaged Vietnamese people. A quiet spot away from the maddening noise of the streets and the street vendors.
It's my last day in Vietnam and I have a few hours to kill before a taxi takes me to the airport and I'll be on my way back to London. Not particularly excited about the perspective but I guess all good things eventually come to an end.
I spent the last three days alone in Saigon but I never felt lonely. Despite not making a great effort, I met lots of people, whether on the pavement at the plastic chairs and cheap beers patch or during the day trip to the Cu Chi tunnels. Sitting at a table at some bar or cafe and simply people watch is an incredibly entertaining activity I could never get bored of. My last night in Saigon ended up at 3am and I had to skip breakfast this morning. I made up for it with fluffy pastries from ABC Bakery (it looks really fancy from the outside, but it's actually pretty cheap) and I probably have enough money left to grab some cheap street food for lunch, some water and probably one last Saigon beer.
I thought I was too old for this, but I guess I'm not. I guess I am totally ready to take the world on by myself. People find it quite hard to believe when I reveal my age. I guess travelling makes you look and feel young. I want more of this feeling. I don't want to think about career, mortgage, family, children and schools. I want to sit in a cafe in a hot friendly city and enjoy a cup of latte while watching the world go by. I want to repeat these last three weeks over and over again! I want to keep moving, live in hotel rooms, try new foods, meet new people every day, understand the world around me, feed my hunger, be surprised by places and people. People like our tour guide to Cu Chi tunnels who was a war veteran and fought alongside the Americans (therefore against the Viet Cong guerilla at Cu Chi), spoke very broken English but had a great lesson to share with us: 'Not even the horrors of the war, must stop one to enjoy life and to be happy!'. Or the lady who helped me get on a cheap bus from the airport to the city centre and gave me her business card in case I needed anything. Turns out she worked for the Government, isn't that great PR? Or the places with soul like the Crazy Kim bar in Nah Trang, dedicated to help raise awareness about pedophilia and help protect children against its threat.
Without the slightest doubt, these three weeks in Vietnam have been the best holiday I have ever had! I made new friendships, I laughed so much every day my belly hurt, I did something new everyday (beware, it's addictive), I have been in the company of others as well as on my own for a few days and realised that when you're happy and relaxed being on your own is actually quite satisfying, I took great pictures, I've seen beautiful places, I tried foods without discrimination, I went on the back of a motorbike, I climbed rocks, I have been so content and happy and grateful for the aliveness of everything around me like never before.
So yes, I may not be over the moon about going back to a cold London , but I feel inspired and I feel brave! And I know good things are on their way!
Three weeks in Vietnam are certainly not enough. But they're a good start.
They're a good start to make you fall hopelessly in love with this country. They're enough to make you question what is that you're really looking for in life. They're enough to empty your head of anything to do with targets, deadlines, clients and worthless worries. Enough to open yourself up to a whole new world.
I have travelled to wonderful places before and it is not unusual for me to return to London with a bitter sweet feeling, with the feeling that I am missing out of so much of what the world has to offer, but every time I somehow manage to regain my love for London and stick to my comfortable life which I have fought so hard for. This time though... I don't know... I feel ready to take some chances. Maybe it's midlife crisis, maybe it hits all of us sooner or later when we are fast approaching an age we thought was still far away, I don't know. Maybe it's the fact that there are no more surprises for me in London, nothing I particularly look forward to and this trip to Vietnam has been a continuous source of awe and wonder. From the genuine kindness of the Viets, to the fluffiest pillows I ever slept on, from the nicest street food I can't even pronounce the names of, to the quietness of the temples hidden behind the hustle and bustle of the city streets, from the harmonious cohabitation of old and new, the modern and the ancient coming together seamlessly and wonderfully, to the beaches and the palm trees, the rice fields and the diversity of Vietnam, everything has been laid down on my path to make me wonder and stare in a total state of grace.
It takes a couple of weeks to tune into Vietnam, into the Asian lifestyle but despite the apparent craziness, there is order in chaos. There are random gourmet restaurants which don't advertise and serve Michelin stars - worthy food, there are rooftop terraces and improvised diners on the pavement where an old grandma cooks from dawn till evening some sort of signature dish where Viets get together and eat on the go, there are the lost travellers and the savvy ones, there are the street crossings which serve no purpose but to confuse newcomers, there is the freshly brewed beer which tastes like nothing but it's dead cheap, there are the coffee places which support charities to keep children off the streets, there are the travel agents which take you out to dinner to make friends and thank you for your business, there are the people telling you to be careful with your belongings with no strings attached, there are the ladies that work for the Government who help you get on a cheap bus from the airport and hand you their business cards in case you need anything, there are the hoards of Aussies, Germans and French and the random friendships you start, there are the cold nights in Hanoi and the hot ones in Saigon, there is always happy hour and a well preserved Ho Chi Mi which everyone worships, there are the bicycle rides and lampoons in Hoian, there is life in Vietnam. A lot of life. Life which has sprung from rivers of blood and centuries of unjust occupation, life which flows stronger than ever and is contagious. It makes you want to live more!!
So three weeks in Vietnam are certainly not enough. It leaves you wanting to come back for more...
The thing with travelling is it opens up new worlds. The thing with travelling is that it reminds you that life has layers and each new places looks different every day.
The thing with travelling is that it makes you hungry. Hungry for the unknown, hungry for the dawn of each day and hungry to learn everything there is to be learnt about the place you're in.
The thing with travelling is that it makes you courageous. It makes you try new things and talk to new people. It makes you wear clothes you wouldn't normally wear, it makes you climb rocks and ride motor bikes.
The thing with travelling is that it makes you humble. It makes you realise there is so much more to the world that meets the eye. It reminds you that there is so much more to see and do than one's rectangular universe.
But the thing with travelling is... that you have to keep moving. Stay too
long in one place and you stop being a passenger. Stay too long in one
place and it becomes home.
I've been dreaming for a while to move somewhere to Asia for a few months and write. There have been doubts about the feasibility of such plan but the more I stay in Vietnam the more I long for a life in an exotic land.
Guess I'm a bit bored with my life... I desperately long for a change... To live in a place where time is not an issue. In a land where you don't get old. In a land where you can eat fresh fruit off the tree. In a land where you need no moisturizer, no high heels, no designer bags, nothing but an old crumpled T-shirt and a pair of Havaianas. In a land where West meet East every day of the week. In a land where people don't hold on to the past and where smiling is just a way of living.
Ok, maybe I'm idealizing the life in the far East a little bit, but I long for an adventure. I embarked on the biggest adventure of my life almost ten years ago when I moved to London. Ten years is a long time. It feels like a completed cycle. I grew a lot in ten years in London. But the world is waiting... I may answer its call one day soon...
But in the meantime, I'm having a cold Vietnamese beer in a bar listening to Bossa Nova music, not worrying about tomorrow...
I'm certainly not an Asian virgin. I traveled to Thailand and India before, but Vietnam has exceeded all my expectations. It is a lot more developed than I imagined and a lot more cultural. Despite the crazy traffic, Ho Chi Min City is comparable in architecture to any European city.
It's probably something you can apply to all the South Eastern Asian people, but the Vietnamese people really are admirable. Thinking that this country has been torn by war a mere tens of years ago, it's impossible not to be impressed by the smiles on people's faces and by their genuinely good nature. As a tourist, you will find yourself a lot less hassled by merchants. They will accept when you say no and will let you be. The locals are friendly and generous. Unlike other places I've been to, they go out to the same places frequented by foreign travelers and they have a great time. They will be happy to share their food and drink with you without discrimination.
Being in Vietnam makes me feel I could spend a lot of time here and living in a continuous present, enjoying the great food, the good weather and the beautiful beach, not feeling I am missing out on any of the Western commodities.
I didn't come here with some sort of existential problem. I didn't come here to be inspired. I didn't come here looking for a solution to my life. I came here just to be. And that's what I've been doing. But despite not looking for something in particular, I was reminded that the world is a bigger place, with lots of wonders just waiting to be discovered.
I've been in Vietnam for about 6 days now and I feel its amnesiac effect. I wish I can say have reached great levels of spiritual enlightenment and made wonderful plans for 2013, but in all honesty all I've done so far is trying not to get ran over by the constant flow of motorbikes pouring down the streets from everywhere, making sure my food is coriander free (quite a challenge when in a country like Vietnam which generously uses all sorts of strong and fragrant green leaves in all the dishes) and getting drunk every day. The drinking part is not because I feel in any way connected to all the young backpackers roaming around (if I get too friendly, I could be accused of pedophilia, as most of them are barely out of high-school) but because I am alive, I'm on holidays and the drinks are cheap!
I don't cease to be amazed by the convenience of everything in Vietnam. Literally every single cafe or bar provides free wi fi and you never feel too far away from 'civilisation'... I post stuff on Facebook as if I have never left London and somehow, despite being far away, I don't really feel I'm part of an adventure. All I do, is joining the tourist trail and knowing that I'll always be all right no matter what. A few year ago, this would have been enough, but now... I wonder... There isn't so much left to discover unless you try really hard and venture really far. Maybe even risk being eaten by a local tribe. Get bitten by a snake. I don' know. Something extreme... I feel safe in Vietnam and this is a wonderful thing, but I can't stop wondering what is it really that I'm looking for...
This year has been a bit a roller coaster and maybe it's taken its toll on me. Maybe I was expecting to experience some kind of revelations whilst in the far east... Maybe I'm longing for something else, closer to home. Or maybe, I'm just feeling exactly like I'm supposed to be feeling at the end of a really challenging year: spent! Maybe I'll wake up tomorrow in the dawn of a new year on the beach of Nah Trang feeling blissful and charged. Maybe 2013 will start with a massive hangover which I'll be sorting out at the Crazy Kim bar. Or maybe... I don't know. And it's ok not to know. I'm alive. That's all that matters. And the world we live in is full of wonders...
Today, I pledge to live my life. To inhabit my life fully. To stop expecting. To pray for those who are no longer with us. To try not to question why they're gone without a warning, there are no answers to life and death...
