The art of loving yourself

About a year ago, during coffee and cake, I was complaining to a friend that things didn't work out for me in the romantic department. She candidly asked if I loved myself and I almost felt offended by the question. Of course I loved myself. I had read 'The Mastery of Love' by Don Miguel Ruiz, didn't I!? Doh!...

Now, the truth is I was only beginning to scratch the surface of self-love and even though I was on the right path, I was still far from practising true self-love. It was more a case of 'I don't hate myself anymore'...

It wasn't until later that I realised loving yourself requires the same time investment as loving somebody else does. Sure, you can fall in love with someone at first sight, instantly, but real love is built on time. To love yourself takes a bloody long time too.

And we're not always good at showing ourselves that love. I still do stupid things which are not good for me. This Bank Holiday week-end for instance I drank a lot of alcohol. Sure, I used to drink a lot of alcohol regularly, but it was back then, when I didn't really love myself. So even though I still enjoy an alcoholic beverage or two, I stay away from excess these days. I feel really guilty when I over-drink and eat crap food, because I know it has a negative impact on my body. So that's when I know I am doing a good job at loving myself. Because I care. I care about the consequences of my loving or less loving acts. So today, I woke up early in the morning and went to a class at the gym so I can feel like this again! :)

Recently another amazing truth hit me: there is no self-love love without acceptance and forgiveness. The same way, you'd forgive a repenting lover bringing you flowers as a way of saying sorry for something he'd done, the same way you must forgive yourself. So rather than beating myself up about having drank too much and slept too little, I accepted the fact that it has happened and that I just had to move on. And instead of beating myself up about it, I just went 'Ok, you can be silly sometimes. It's not the end of the world!' and decide to spend some time eating and sleeping better and probably avoiding alcohol for a while.

I think that the point I'm trying to make is that loving yourself is a longer process, which requires effort and it requires you to act. You can't just decide one day that this is it, from now on you'll love yourself. Because that would be a lie. To truly love yourself is to do a little bit about it every day!

 

The amazing lightness of being

Source: wewanderandwonder.com

“It is easy to be heavy: hard to be light.”

- G.K. Chesterton

Remember I was telling you about personal mantras? Well, they work so well for me that I'm starting to break them down into life chunks. I now have personal mantras for work like 'Lower your voice when on the phone', 'Read an e-mail twice before replying', personal mantras for dating like 'Never blame yourself when thing don't work out', 'There is always someone else!', universally valid personal mantras like 'Stop judging', personal mantras for exercising and sports like 'Don't swing at shit!' or 'Breathe deeply', personal mantras for writing like 'Trust your inner voice', you name it. But one personal mantra that's really made an amazing impact on my life is 'Be light!'


Now - seriously - we take things in life way too seriously! I for one have been one of the biggest offenders and maybe because yes, it is easier to be heavy, that to be light. But writing a big bold sign in big chunky letters and repeating this every time I have the tendency to take things too seriously again has brought a new amazing dimension to my life. Let's explore...

I've made no secret from the fact that last year I decided to become abstinent for an indefinite period of time. And I believe it was an excellent idea at the time - it helped me get my head around the whole sex thing and work through some feelings like guilt and shame which should not be associated with a thing so wonderful as intimacy between two people. My decision to become abstinent was a serious one. And it scared a few men away along the way, but that's ok. I obviously wasn't in the zone.  I had to sort out feelings about myself before I shared anything with anyone else. And now I am feeling like the wait is over because I have utmost respect for myself and for my body, so I can finally let go and enjoy myself! Light as a feather, I am also confronting situations I was scared of before and looking at things from the driving seat perspective.

Being light is an incredible asset in the dating process. I have lost the telling off attitude and adopted one of carefreeness. I figured that being afraid that things won't work out will affect my ability to have fun so I have decided to treat every date as if I would never see that person again (applying a principle portrayed by Senecca as 'People get angry because they're too hopeful' so I stopped being too hopeful). And it works magic. I am being silly and saying random things like 'I want to cuddle owls because they're so fluffy' or 'What's your favourite constellation?' not worrying what the guy is thinking about me. And surprisingly, they're coming back for more :) More details in the book ;)

I figured that there's something incredibly attractive to the lightness of being. Nobody wants to be judged, measured, scolded, told off and what not. But everybody shares the same desire of being playful and having fun. And I am grateful to my new set of mantras which make me a light non-judgemental presence I really like having around a lot. No more grievances, just freedom! 

The power of personal mantras

Source: trendsetter.com

I've finally discovered something that really works for me! DIY personal mantras. Or so I like to call them.

Gretchen Ruben (the author of  'The Happiness Project') calls them resolutions and she has created her own personal resolutions chart, but I like 'personal mantras' more. You know, those simple words that mean something to you and which you can just call upon when you need them the most to bring you back to your centred, assured self. Gretchen also lists some in her 'secrets of adulthood', but it really doesn't matter how you call them - what matters is that they work.

So after recently having been called on by nasty old fears and having decided that this year I was going to find new ways of dealing with my challenges, I decided to put together a list of personal mantras (following the Gretchen Ruben example):

1. Stop judging
2. Just because it happened in the past, it doesn't mean it will happen in the future
3. It's ok not to be ok
4. It's ok to be afraid
5. Trust your instincts
6. Be indifferent to rejection
7. Whatever you do, be mindful
8. You are enough
9. Love more
10. Recognise your qualities
11. Always put friends and family first
12. Develop a thick skin
13. Stick to your standards
14. Be light! Always be light!
15. When in doubt, breathe

I highlighted the last two because I found them particularly useful in the last few days.

No. 14 'Be light!' is probably the key mantra to my 'Love project' because I realised I am and always have been really serious. I am funny and a fun person to be around but guys can feel there is a certain weight I carry around with me. I'm the kind of girl who is going to tell them off because they failed to respond according to my standards and my expectations. And that's because I have always been tough on myself so I would always treat men the same way I'd treat myself: perform or suffer!

But the good news is: NOT ANYMORE! Since I have discovered the joys of being kind to myself and accepting of myself completely, I've lightened up around guys too. And this is an energy I intend on channelling religiously from now on, therefore I need my mantra no 14. like the air that I breathe.

Which brings me to mantra no. 15 'When in doubt, breathe!'. You know what, I've rediscovered breathing and it's such a lovely thing to focus on. I think It was Johnny Depp who said his favourite activity was breathing. I think he's right. Breathing has the power to keep you in your body and focused on the present. When I feel my mind going crazy, I remember my personal mantra no. 15 and breathing brings me back to centre. Focused breathing casts a light over the clouds of judgement. When I find somebody annoying, instead of jumping to judgement, I call upon my mantra no 15 and I forget about what annoyed me in the first place. And let's not forget, breathing helps me with being light and sticking with my mantra no. 14!


The truth is there's a story behind all of these mantras. If I wasn't in a hurry to get to Devon tonight for a week-end of fun ('Be light! Always be light!') I'd be happy to share all of them. Perhaps another time. Until then, 'when in doubt, breathe!'

Stay inspired!

Why it's important to keep searching for what you want

Today I spent quite a lot of time browsing the Getty image library in search for a number of particular images. I had them in low res and no reference number, so it was pretty much a case of looking for the needle in the hay stack.

Source: jtsullivan.com

And so I started. I had a picture of a baby. I searched for baby and I got back about 254 pages of results. Hmm, I had to narrow it down. So half heartedly I started searching for baby against grey background.  I got less results and a few pages scanned later I found my baby! And then I felt like this!

Source: excelle.monster.com

But I had more pictures to find and more difficult briefs. Some searches came back with no results. Other came back with too many. I felt like the whole exercise was completely pointless especially as I had google searched it before and couldn't find the source in high res. But I kept doing it, I knew resistance was futile and those pictures had to have come from somewhere. Many search results pages later, I stumbled upon other two of my images. I felt positive. Maybe this wasn't such a pointless exercise after all.

I started looking for more specific key words, such as 'smiling large Hispanic family on balcony'. That came back with nothing. But I didn't give up, I searched and searched and searched and every time I found another image, I felt elated.

And then it dawned on me: what if it's the same in life, what if what we're looking for may not be on the first page of the catalogue and instead of going through the whole catalogue we stop searching after a few pages? What if we're so close to getting what we want but we don't even know it? What if we just need to reframe the problem, define the search terminology better? Our image may be one of a 'young Caucasian father and child at desk' but what if the particular 'young Caucasian father with child at desk' I'm looking for is also 'with turned back'?

Bingo! First result. It was there, the last image I was looking for...


I figured out life is simple: what you want is what you get. That's why is important to keep searching.

Source: greatnesshq.com

 

The good side of fear

Today I felt the need to write a follow-up to the post I wrote this week about my fears. It wasn't an easy subject to write about and I probably opened myself up to being judged one way or another, but I'm proud I did it, because writing about my fears has achieved what I set out to achieve: it made them seem as they really are, silly and insignificant.

And it made people reach out to me, people feeling the same way, or people wanting to comfort me - I feel so blessed. I had to love one of my dear friend's response below (hope she doesn't mind I'm publishing it, as I'm keeping it anonymous):

'In my eyes you are such a woman' - she said to me in an e-mail - 'not the always single one that will die alone. And if it happens to be that way, we should team up go to a sanatorium for old people and take every pill we can get hold of, lose our minds and have sex with everyone. And do whatever we can as we are old and no one will judge us :)'

 I read somewhere that if you ask yourself what's the worse it can happen helps with getting rid of irrational worries. And frankly, if I do end up alone in a sanatorium having sex with everybody, I think this would be a great ending to a great life :)

But fear is not all doom and gloom. I've made a great decision a while ago to subscribe to The Daily Love blog and I am loving the advice from Mastin Kipp. It just happened that the other day he was writing about fear and why fear is good, because it's here to protect us, it gives us warning signals and it is the precursor of growth. Let's say being afraid is part of the growing pains package.

One of the lessons I've learnt recently is that I must stop trying to be perfect and to be gentle to myself when I am far from it. Because we're not here to be perfect, we're here to learn and evolve. Fear happens when we grow, it makes us act. And most importantly, instead of fearing fear and ignoring it, we must accept it, love it even, it's part of us. Accepting it is the key to ensure a seamless process. And I feel better now for having allowed my feelings and emotions to be expressed, rather than trying even harder to be in constant happy mood. Being happy means feeling bad sometimes. And that's ok.

I did some thinking and I realised my fears spring from some kind of resilient insecurity still lurking around.

“We each appear to hold within ourselves a range of divergent views as to our native qualities.. And amid such uncertainty, we typically turn to the wider world to settle the question of our significance...we seem beholden to affections of others to endure ourselves.”  notes Alain de Botton and isn't he right? How many times have we not felt that we need others to acknowledge us, even though we have intrinsic qualities which need no subjective point of view to exist.

But insecurity is not such a bad thing. As Stephen Fry suggests, insecurities shape us:

“It's not all bad. Heightened self-consciousness, apartness, an inability to join in, physical shame and self-loathing—they are not all bad. Those devils have been my angels. Without them I would never have disappeared into language, literature, the mind, laughter and all the mad intensities that made and unmade me.”


Fear no more: there's a good side to every fear! 

Voicing my fears

Source.Big Quote

This is not a post I wrote easily. In fact, it may be the most difficult one I've ever written. In this post I am exposing my fears. And that's something I was - still am - very much scared to do... But I felt it had to be done. Once and for all, I had to exorcise my fears. 


I've had some disturbing thoughts in the last couple of weeks and I've had troubles sleeping. I am tired from the lack of good quality sleep (when I do sleep, it comes with weird exhausting dreams) and I'm irrationally anxious. I'm so tangled in these thoughts that I do all sorts of things, totally unaware. Last night, for example, I went to bed with my contacts on and even showered with them. I woke up in the morning panting from the realisation that I might have damaged my eyes forever. I felt guilty but more so I couldn't shake off the feeling that I was afraid of something.

This is not like me.

I'm living some of the most exciting times of my life, I feel like an enormous amount of energy is being pumped through me to turn it into something creative, life changing and inspiring, and despite this marvellous energetic activity, I find myself getting visits from the same old fears, every now and then.

But I've decided I've lived with my fears for too long. I've decided I'm going to face my fears and spit in their faces. And for this I have to brace myself and just let them run through me, while I stand my ground until there's nothing left of them. As Jim Morrison said, “Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.” 

But I guess that's easier said than done because maybe I am afraid of expressing my fears. I have to gather the courage to list them down. Make them look tiny and harmless. But will they look tiny and harmless? Will they seem ridiculous enough for me to laugh at them? Let's see...


Fear no 1: I'm going to die alone!



Source: fun4thebrain.com

I am afraid that because I've been single for six years (with the occasional two months or so relationship in between) that this who I am, that this is my label, this is how the world sees me, but most importantly that this is how I see myself.
I'm afraid that I'm always going to be that girl who's always single. Yeah, you know which girl I'm talking about, the one who's always out on some adventure somewhere, while everyone else is in relationships, buying houses and having babies, like normal people do. The girl who's always almost in a relationship but never quite in one!






Fear no 2: The guys I like don't like me back!

Source: 123rf.com

Well, they never do. As soon as I get really interested in someone, the moment I become excited about someone, all these men (without exception!) pull back. I don't know why, maybe I turn into the little guy to the left here and scare them all away! Boooo!
But isn't love supposed to be irrational, aren't these guys supposed to like me for my craziness, for my insecurities and for my neurotic moments as much as they should like me for my elegance, intelligence, sense of humour, beauty etc? 
Anyway, I'm afraid to like someone because I think they won't like me back or that they'll leave me. As it has already happened to me so many times before...






Fear no 3: My desire to find love is not legitimate enough!

I mean I have a happy life, great friends, family, activities I enjoy, I live in a privileged society in times of peace, I have my health and the integrity of my body, so what more do I want? Sometimes I feel I'm just not supposed to find someone to have an extraordinary relationship with and maybe I should just accept that and stop whining. But I can't, I really want one. Is that really so terrible? Am I allowed to be upset for not being in a loving relationship?...






Fear no 4: Nothing will change one year, two years, three years, seven years from now...

Well, nothing really changed for six years so I have all the reasons to believe I'll find myself in exactly the same place next year, and probably 10 years after that. Sure, I'll have some flings along the way, but essentially I'll be a single woman looking for something to make her life interesting. Maybe I'll become Mother Teresa the 2nd and walk the Earth, helping the sick and poor. They'll sanctify me and all, but little will they know it's all because I didn't meet the right man at the right time, to settle down with and have beautiful blond children with! The irony...





And sometimes, something else creeps up on me. I'm jealous of my friends...

I DO LOVE my friends. I want the best for them. But I also want the best for me and I can't help but feeling just a little bit jealous when I see things are happening in their lives and nothing happens in mine.

But someone said something to me today: 'Never look at someone else's plate, everyone's got their fair share of tragedy we don't know about'. And I know that's true and I know it's wrong of me to feel jealous of anyone, but I hope that if I just admit it to myself and accept the way I'm feeling, then maybe I won't feel jealous anymore... Maybe I'll set myself free... Free from judging myself against others and free from setting deadlines and beating myself about not achieving my self-imposed targets, instead of blisfully just living my life as I ought to.

Today I saw this video, which made me cry... It's a video for Vans shoes, part of a campaign which uses testimonials of people who have overcome great barriers. And it made me think about the fact that maybe, in the words of Amy Purdy (the woman in the video): 'This happened to the right person. Because I knew that I can handle it.'

"I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.”
(Frank Herbert, Dune)


What are you afraid of?...