From Vietnam with love

I've been in Vietnam for about 6 days now and I feel its amnesiac effect. I wish I can say  have reached great levels of spiritual enlightenment and made wonderful plans for 2013, but in all honesty all I've done so far is trying not to get ran over by the constant flow of motorbikes pouring down the streets from everywhere, making sure my food is coriander free (quite a challenge when in a country like Vietnam which generously uses all sorts of strong and fragrant green leaves in all the dishes) and getting drunk every day. The drinking part is not because I feel in any way connected to all the young backpackers roaming around (if I get too friendly, I could be accused of pedophilia, as most of them are barely out of high-school) but because I am alive, I'm on holidays and the drinks are cheap!

I don't cease to be amazed by the convenience of everything in Vietnam.  Literally every single cafe or bar provides free wi fi and you never feel too far away from 'civilisation'... I post stuff on Facebook as if I have never left London and somehow, despite being far away, I don't really feel I'm part of an adventure. All I do, is joining the tourist trail and knowing that I'll always be all right no matter what. A few year ago, this would have been enough, but now... I wonder... There isn't so much left to discover unless you try really hard and venture really far. Maybe even risk being eaten by a local tribe. Get bitten by a snake. I don' know. Something extreme... I feel safe in Vietnam and this is a wonderful thing, but I can't stop wondering what is it really that I'm looking for...

This year has been a bit a roller coaster and maybe it's taken its toll on me. Maybe I was expecting to experience some kind of revelations whilst in the far east... Maybe I'm longing for something else, closer to home. Or maybe, I'm just feeling exactly like I'm supposed to be feeling at the end of a really challenging year: spent! Maybe I'll wake up tomorrow in the dawn of a new year on the beach of Nah Trang feeling blissful and charged. Maybe 2013 will start with a massive hangover which I'll be sorting out at the Crazy Kim bar. Or maybe... I don't know. And it's ok not to know. I'm alive. That's all that matters. And the world we live in is full of wonders...

Today, I pledge to live my life. To inhabit my life fully. To stop expecting. To pray for those who are no longer with us. To try not to question why they're gone without a warning, there are no answers to life and death...

To an 'alive' 2013 everyone! 

Ready, aim, fire!

Source: feminema.wordpress.com

I've been spending a lot of time making plans for 2013. Despite having been kept busy by my ridiculous social life and significant workload in December, I made time to make plans. Not some airy fairy 'I want to exercise more', 'lose weight', 'stop smoking', 'find a boyfriend' kind of plans. I covered my room up in notes, questions, calendars and, soon, it will all make enough sense for me to feed it into a Gant chart at some point.

If 2012 was the year of change and challenges (a lot of the people I know share the same impressions), 2013 is the year of action. And when you go into action, you go into it fully, no time wasted, no resources spared. After years of planning, of brewing feelings and ideas, I can now aim and fire. I know exactly what my target is. And I know exactly what kind of weapon I am.

2013 will find me in a pretty good physical shape but I only plan on getting better. It will find me surrounded by friends of quality and people who can inspire me. It will find me in a great home, in a city that I adore. It will find me buoyant with creativity and looking for a studio space where I can work. It will find me wanting to learn about documentaries and film making. It will find me wanting to help others through storytelling. It will find me looking beyond the here and now, into the big picture. It will find me hungry for knowledge. It will find me in charge. It will find me with my guns charged and ready to fire!

The twenty somethings

'We're not getting old, everyone else is getting younger!' said a friend a few years ago and it is still very much true.

If this is not true then I don't know why everywhere I turn I see young, brights twenty somethings ruling the world. One is the head of the marketing department, another one owns his own company, another one is a tech whiz, another one has published books, and another is a talented designer selling frocks by the thousands. I may not be getting old but I feel just a little bit outdated already.

I'm taken aback by the speed of enlargement of the gap between generations. I am only 33 (in less than two weeks) and yet I feel like a zillion years behind all these twenty somethings. I mean,  I used to play with dolls, I grew up with two hours of TV broadcasting a day and electricity cuts, I didn't know what the Internet was until I went to University, I worked my ass doing Silver Service at Christmas parties and waitressing during my first years in London, I came to the UK almost 10 years ago with nothing but a pair of grease stained ripped pair of jeans and a cheap red back-pack full of dreams, so yeah, I guess I am old school. I have an old iPhone which I can't be asked to upgrade. I don't understand the purpose of tablets (I'm a writer, I need keyboards!), I hate  e-readers (although, in all fairness, they are more planet friendly than paper books), I'm overwhelmed by the quantity (and sometimes lack of quality) of the information available in the media (be it traditional or digital), I'm overwhelmed by this century. But it's the  twenty somethings most natural universe and they're all over it.

And they're cool, and you just want to hang out with them (rejoicing in the fact that you're young enough at heart to join their fabulous group) and you feel like twenty something again too! But I'm not twenty something. I am thirty something and I congratulate myself for making it so far, because frankly I do not want to be twenty something again. The twenties don't come with a manual. They come with lust for life but no freaking compass. They come with ideas but no desperation for meaning. They come with lots of ego and anything but peace. Or so they say.

So I am not jealous of the twenty somethings. I love their hunger and creativity, it's inspiring.

But like Carrie said: 'And then I realized something, twenty-something girls are just fabulous, until you see one with the man who broke your heart.'

 

The year of change

 

 

 

 

2012 has been an incredible year for me... If I were to use one word to define this year then that word would be CHANGE.

 

I have changed in so many ways. I guess a lot of the change has happened naturally as part of the growing up process (I am beyond doubt now a fully grown-up person and ain't nothing I can do about it! - sigh!)  but there has been another kind of change which I willed upon myself. Never before I have been so determined to transform myself. In fact TRANSFORM and BECOME are also good words to illustrate the CHANGE I am talking about. I have diligently worked on myself to BECOME the person I wanted to be. And that's what this year has been all about. About the person I am now.

 

I am a person who makes choices. I am a person who makes things happen. I am a person who understands. I am a person who forgives. I am a person who has something to say. I am a person who won't blame. I am a person who will keep on walking. I am a person who doesn't complain. I am a person who IS and DOES. I am a person who seeks and finds. I am a person who is inspired and inspires.

 

But above all, I am a person who chooses to be happy. Because happiness is not something that comes in a nice wrapping. Happiness is something you earn because you want it bad enough and you work on it every single day. I am that person who won't give up even when the day looks cloudy and grey. There's always sun beneath the clouds. I am the person who sees the sun.

I had a list of plans for 2012 back in January. Some came to fruition (such as keeping up with my exercising regime and completing my first half-marathon, being a better professional, exposing myself to culture more often, taking a language course,  finalising my styling course and website, giving more love to the world, taking a tango taster, taking writing more seriously etc.) while others haven't (I did not complete one single piece of writing, I did not go to Argentina and the USA this year, albeit I am going to Vietnam, so not a bad trade off, I did not just give love and expecting none in return, I kind of wanted to get some too, I did not go surfing and did not do any climbing, but I tried flying trapeze, guess that counts too!), but with so many plans I'd be surprised if I had achieved everything on my list in a meek year's time.

 

But there should always be a level of flexibility when it comes to specific tasks. After all, CHANGE is a matter of attitude.

 

Thank you 2012!

 

My week in words

Source: http://eunichick.tumblr.com/

It may be the imminence of my trip to Vietnam or my forgotten gypsy soul knocking at the doors of my rational incarnation of self which works in an office, delivers projects to clients on time and leads a respectful and uneventful civilised life, that made me stumble upon references to travelling this week.

I haven't travelled in a long time and I feel the world is calling out for me. I feel like Ulysses imprisoned by Circe and smothered with love by the too familiar. My soul wants to drink the 'poison' of strange worlds. So I kept pinning things like that on my Pinterest Inspiration wall the whole week:

Source: 25.media.tumblr.com via Iulia on Pinterest

Source: thefreshexchangeblog.com via Iulia on Pinterest

Source: londons365.tumblr.com via Iulia on Pinterest

Source: justbesplendid.tumblr.com via Iulia on Pinterest

Source: quote22.com via Iulia on Pinterest

Source: allthingsstylish.tumblr.com via Iulia on Pinterest

Source: fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net via Iulia on Pinterest

Source: music-lyrics-words.blogspot.com via Iulia on Pinterest

Source: cdnimg.visualizeus.com via Iulia on Pinterest

Source: captivating-quotes.tumblr.com via Iulia on Pinterest

Or in the words of David Mitchell in 'Cloud Atlas' (the only book I've been managing to steal reads from this week during my daily commute)...

“...there ain't no journey what don't change you some.”

“Travel far enough, you meet yourself.”   

I'm ready now...

Just get on with it!

Source: stevensonfinancialmarketing.wordpress.com

Life keeps serving me lessons these days. They sort of come by hand fulls lately, which is pretty amazing. I'm like: 'Wow, another week, another lesson? I can hardly keep up with it anymore.' It feels like I've been stuck in an evolutionary-less pit all these past years and I've suddenly been rescued out of it, so all the lessons I was supposed to learn until now started to come at me at once. Like I've won the jackpot and the coins are all cascading noisily from life's fruit machine, like I've just been to the Life Vegas and finally landed a winning hand.

Honestly, I don't know what was about 2012, but it's opened a new portal in my life, things are happening to me with the speed of light. They say every cell in our body gets renewed every 7 years, I think I've just about renewed every atom of my soul in the last 7 days. And I can't wait to see what happens next, I'm taking myself on a new adventure every day and I'm loving every minute.

I notice how I'm letting go of patterns of behaviour and compare the results with the past and I must say I'm pretty pleased. It's quite nice to challenge yourself and see a different outcome, it's like playing, it's fun!

The lesson I've learnt last week is very simple. It's about just getting on with things! Without complaining. I used to be one of those people who got annoyed when things got a bit messy, mainly out of habit. I hate mess, it really messes with my head. And when things are messy, I sulk, I get annoyed with the mess maker (whether is a project at work or a sock lying around in the kitchen) and place a mental blame on the person who upset the status quo. I almost felt the same when I was handed a project at work without much a do and with very tight deadlines and full responsibility. But rather than allowing my traditional reaction to the situation to take its course, I decided l could either get annoyed and not resolve anything or just get on with it. And I did just get on with it. And it felt good! It opened up a whole new world of possibilities and made me realise that placing blame doesn't really do anything but feed your ego who always wants to be right. However, doing instead of sulking and complaining is liberating and shuts the ego up! So I learnt the lesson of just getting on with things. And stop wanting to be right. Being right means somebody else has to be wrong. And that doesn't help anyone. Especially myself.

So I'm really amazed by how things unfold in front of my eyes, because these days I challenge almost everything about myself. Every reaction gets scrutinised and, whenever possible and not too late (hey, I never said I was perfect!), I try a different attitude. And it's amazing. Just getting on with it, you know. It's good for you!

My week in words

source: theydonttellyou.wordpress.com

This week's been a really busy week so my words this week are a bit scattered. Projects at work with very tight deadlines, flat viewings (still looking for a flatmate and it takes the life out of me!), friends in town, Vietnam trip planning, you name it! I'm drained! And the more tired I am am, the more I am getting excited about those 3 weeks in Vietnam.

But back to words. I've been reading randomly from various books. I am doing speed researching for my 'love'/'dating' book and there have been lots of things going through my head which I noted down and thought I'd share as well. Some are really good, like some sort of ancient wisdom has taken the form of words in my head, so I am happy to share. Some don't really make sense now but I'm sure they will later. But I also read some inspirational things or things that resonated with me lately, which have now gathered below...


6-word fiction

'We kissed. She melted. Mop please!' -  James Patrick Kelly



 The Happiness Project - Interview with Rebekah Sanderlin.

Is there a happiness mantra or motto that you’ve found very helpful? (e.g., I remind myself to “Be Gretchen.”) Or a happiness quotation that has struck you as particularly insightful? Or a particular book that has stayed with you?

“Keep advancing the ball.”

'When I was a senior in high school, only one girl tried out for my school’s golf team. The school was going to have to forfeit the season. The golf coach was my Ecology teacher and he told me that he would teach me how to play if I would just agree to be on the team, so I signed up. (My grades were bad and I hoped he’d slide me a few points.) I was horrible at golf. The first few times I tried to hit a ball off of a tee I missed the ball completely. Then, once I started hitting the ball, it would only go 10 or 20 feet at a time. I hacked the fairways to pieces. My coach was patient, though, and he just kept saying, “It doesn’t matter how far it goes, as long as you’re advancing the ball.” That has become my mantra. I don’t have to be great at everything, I just have to continually make forward progress.'



Secret of Adulthood@gretchenrubin

'Things often get messier before they get tidier.'

'Make sure the things you do to make yourself feel better don't make you feel worse.'



Wetlands by Charlotte Roche
(Note: this is a wonderfully sickening book which will either make you empty the contents of your stomach with every turn of the page or make you wonder whether hygiene and social manners aren't actually just a little bit overrated)

“You go to the bathroom at a restaurant or train station and as you pull the stall door closed behind you, you’re misted from above. The first time it happened I was really horrified. I thought someone had flicked water on me from another stall. But then I looked up and saw a dispenser attached above the top of the door. It’s actually designed to spray innocent bathroom users with sickening sweet disinfected as soon as they close the door. On your hair, your clothes, on your face. If that doesn’t constitute rape by hygiene fanatics I don’t know what does.”

“I’m my own garbage disposal. Bodily secretion recycler,”

“It’s like a sport. In any room I have to be the most uninhibited of all those present.”


And the list goes on. Read it if you can. It will make you laugh!

And a few words that formed into my head, may mean something to you or not, they definitely make some kind of existential sense to me :)

'Living is an act of creation.'

'The main advantage of going to the cinema alone is that you don't have to worry about the fact that the person you're with might not like the film you've chosen.'

'My ego is reducing me to nothing.'

'My idea of heaven is being buried in books'

'Do something different every day, buy something from the supermarket you never bought before, talk to someone at work you never spoke to before, go inside a shop you wouldn't normally go and look around, smile to a stranger on the street and see what happens'


And lots of other weird ideas but I will finish here for now with the words of my beloved author  Milan Kundera:

 'Experimental thought seeks not to persuade but to inspire.'

Have a great week-end. Stay inspired.

The people in my life

Soiurce: photobucket.com

Sometimes we take them for granted. The people who have been there for us when we were crumbling into pieces on the floor. The people that have listened to us when we needed to tell someone how we felt. The people who have encouraged us to carry on fighting because they've seen the good in us we were too blind to see. The people who have shared our happiness and our tears. The people whose shoulder we could lean and cry on when everything around us seemed to fall apart. The people who have forgiven us when we wronged them. The people who came back to us after we drifted apart. The people who brought new energy into our life and made us see things differently. The people we grew up with with and evolved with. The people who left us but were never too far away. The people we don't see everyday who think about us. The people who made us fall in love with ourselves. Yes, we sometimes take them for granted.

The same way we take our parents for granted. Our material possessions. The colour of our passports. The food we have on the table. The clothes we wear. The weather, the sky, the rain, the thunder, the birds, the trees, the leaves, the people that pass us by on the street...

I had food with friends this week-end, I had coffee with friends this week-end, I had silence with friends this week-end, I had talks with friends this week-end and I shared laughs with friends this week-end. And as I was savouring these wonderful moments, I got to thinking about how I should be grateful for the people in my life. Because the people in my life are my angels. They're the ones who believed in me when I didn't. They're my lifeline. They're my support group. They're the reason I am a better person!

Today I am thankful for the people in my life. The lifelong friends and the new friends, the ones who came into my life like tornadoes and shaken it all up, the ones that came in discreetly and live in it quietly, the ones who came and went, like passengers, leaving traces of their souls behind, the ones who were lost and now are found. Today I am thankful for all the people in my life.

My week in words

source:www.raintoday.com

This week has been about life as a journey and about connections.

The words that came floating my way (not so much from books, as from random places like ads on the tube, blogs, films etc) all seem to gravitate towards the journey of discovery, the discovery of oneself, the acceptance of who we are (even if that means admitting we are stupid!) and allowing this to be the basis of our character building along the way. The words that came my way this week were also about relationships and how best to use them to turn thoughts and ideas into reality.This week, there were also a lot of words about smiling!

Here are a few that I'd like to share.


Eckhart Tolle talk at Google (from You Tube)

'People complain when something has gone wrong. No, it's just life. It helps you evolve. It's like character building in a good movie.'


'Beyond Hills', film by Cristian Mungiu

'He who goes on a journey is not the same he who returns.'


Baird T Spalding, 'Life And Teaching Of The Masters Of The Far East' (vol 1)

'It is impossible to go and stay at the same time'

'Love makes the ideal become real'

 

Toby Beta - 'Master of Stupidity' (A funny little book I stumbled upon on Goodreads.com)

 'First rule of stupidity : Admit honestly that you're stupid enough to learn lessons of your own life.

Second rule of stupidity: Don't take anybody's bullshit about being smart and wise. Just try to be less in stupidity, step by step, gradually.

Third rule of stupidity: You will never learn anything good and pure by pretending to be a smart one. List down all your ignorance and stupidity, then make them as a start.'

"The mind becomes much more beautiful, when man could see his own weaknesses." 

"People with dimple have a divine role in this universe: smile!"

"A well-trained mind responded to symptoms. An ordinary mind reacted after it happened."

"Charisma is the fragrance of soul."

"Rookies tend to show off."

"Strong words resonate."

"Youngsters want to change world. Elders want to enjoy their works. The entrepreneur sells anything needed by both to win their desires."

"Not all good things come from good people."



Nike Training Facebook Page

 

'If it doesn't challenge you, it won't change you'

 

Kabbalah Ad on the tube

'Relationships aren't about finding the right person, they're about being the right person'.

 

 

John DeVore,  thefrisky.com

 

'It's remarkable how love can sometimes rot and decompose into cruelty.'
 

 
My own words (as I was smiling to myself on the tube platform and noticed people smiling back at me):

'Smile to yourself, and smile upon the whole world.'



Keep smiling and stay inspired!

 

Letting go...

Source:jnkhoury.blogspot.co.uk

I’ve always had a problem with letting go.

I suffered a lot when I was 14 and forced to move away from the seaside resort I grew up in, to a ‘boring’ small town in the ‘middle of nowhere’ (in my own teenage words) after my parents’ marriage finally decomposed beyond repair. Having to leave my friends behind, the sweet linden infused summer nights when we used to go to the open air cinema, the salt on my skin, the sing song of the birds outside my windows, the toys I used to play with, the books I used to read (over and over again), having to let go of the only universe I had ever known was an experience I wish no teenager to go through. I spent most of my high-school years lamenting over the lost paradise of childhood, writing dark poetry and generally being resentful of everyone and everything.  

Think that’s when my pattern of refusal to let go started. I remember I cried that summer when I realised I wasn’t a child anymore and decided I wasn’t ready to grow up. My childhood's been a fuzzy mix of happy days (I was and generally am an extremely naturally happy person) and dark episodes of witnessing my father’s pshychologic abuse towards my mother and her fragile mental health manifesting itself in ways a child should not see. I was a child who was never told none of it was really my fault. I felt robbed of childhood and couldn’t accept it was gone, without me having a say in it, so I hold on to it for dear life. I got over it eventually but the process took a lot longer and somehow turned me into this person who keeps clinging to things and people like in a karmic Ferris wheel.  

This year has been a year of such breakthrough for me. I have broken so many destructive patterns, I have become so much more aware of the deep essence of things, so much more understanding, so much more nurturing towards myself, and that’s why I find it tough that, whenever I break a pattern, another one shows its ugly head.

One of the compulsive behaviours I’ve had for instance with men was wanting to end things on my terms, to speak my mind (or was it my mind I was speaking?...), to give myself a bloody closure. I can recall many embarrassing episodes of messages I sent men telling them off for leading me on and then apologising for my behaviour. Boy, I do apologise a lot. It’s like a freaking disease. I can also recall episodes of trying to lure them back into my life despite them having told me the game was off. And every single one of these episodes  left me more humiliated. Apparently, according to science, this is the way I was dealing in adulthood with my father’s 'abandonment'.

My father… My father was a pilot. He was beautiful, charming, clever and seductive. But he was also a very damaged person. But he was my father and I adored him. I think he adored me too. But he has never been equipped with the nurturing qualities a father should have. He was a victim of his own fears and insecurities and has never provided me with the love and protection a growing child needs. And he died when I was 18 so we were never able to talk about our relationship and make peace.

But somehow I resolved to forgive my father. I thought that would bring me the relief I’ve been looking for in my dealings with the world. And thankfully it did help me make extraordinary progress in my relationships so far. But I am not healed just yet. I think that possibly a piece of the puzzle is still missing: I have never resolved to mourn for myself, for the little girl whose childhood got stolen.

Even as I child, all I wanted to do was big myself up, become stronger, bolder, louder, smarter, as a way of dealing with loss rather than accept my vulnerability, feel the pain and move on. And I became this noisy person who’s not afraid of any external challenges life's throwing at me, but who, deep down, is terrified of being discarded and holds on to things until it hurts.

But there is still hope! It’s taken me many years but I am now finally able to let go. 

I'm letting go… Letting go…Letting go...

My week in words

Source: Crosscrafter.com

Right, so following the trend of nowadays bloggers who all seem to have a recurrent section called: ‘My week in Instagram’ I decided to launch a similar section called: ‘My week in words’.

Reasons:

1)      I mean words were, are and will always be in fashion, right? People might get bored of Instagram, but they’ll still have to use words, so I reckon my section will prove to be pretty timeless.

2)      I have an old iPhone which takes about a year to take snaps, so my week in Instagram would be rather scarce. People will go like: ‘Oh, I see, you’ve only had a plate of pasta all week. How boring is that!?’ or ‘Isn’t she wearing any make-up?’, so since I am a book worm and a bit of a ‘spiritualist’ and I read a lot, it’s the only thing I can confidently share with the world without feeling like a total trend follower.

3)      I love words!

So here we go, some of the wisdom I accumulated this week and think you’d love too!

Things that made me laugh:

‘Lighter Shades of Grey’, by Cassandra Parkin



‘Are you gay, Mr Grey?”
“I cringe, mortified. Crap. Why didn’t I employ some kind of filter before I read this straight out?”

Hell if I know, Ana. Maybe you’re related to Ron Burgundy?

“Perhaps I’ve spent too long in the company of my literary romantic heroes, and consequently my ideals and expectations are far too high.”

Mr Rochester was rude, sarcastic and frequently cruel. Mr Darcy was rude and socially awkward. Alec D’Urberville was a rapist, and Angel Clare ran for the hills as soon as he found out he wasn’t marrying a virgin. Heathcliff was a psychopath.

“Would you like a bag?”

…”Please, Anastasia.” His tongue caresses my name, and my heart once again is frantic.

In pronouncing the name “Anastasia”, the tongue stays entirely behind the teeth and is not visible at all. In order to accept the premise that Christian is, indeed, caressing Anastasia’s name with his tongue, I am forced to conclude that he is licking her name-badge.

Things that made me think:

The world’s poorest president (BBC News)

‘The Uruguayan leader made a similar point when he addressed the Rio+20 summit in June this year: "We've been talking all afternoon about sustainable development. To get the masses out of poverty.

"But what are we thinking? Do we want the model of development and consumption of the rich countries? I ask you now: what would happen to this planet if Indians would have the same proportion of cars per household than Germans? How much oxygen would we have left?

"Does this planet have enough resources so seven or eight billion can have the same level of consumption and waste that today is seen in rich societies? It is this level of hyper-consumption that is harming our planet."

Things that calmed me down when my mind was talking too much:

Eckhart Tolle – Various Lectures (mostly paraphrased)

‘Often you only have a relationship with your mind. Not with another person. You think you marry another person but you’re actually married to your mind.’

‘A great spiritual teacher visited a very ill patient, who was suffering. The spiritual teacher asked: 'What is your problem? Why are you so sad? I don’t see any problem in this room.'

To which the woman answered: 'I’ll show you where the problem is!' and removed the covers to reveal the fact that one of her legs was swollen and looked abnormal in comparison to the other leg.

To which the teacher answered:

'I see what the problem is now. The problem is that you expect  both your legs to be equal in size!'

To which the woman laughed for the very first time in a very long time.’

‘The mind is fearful of real relationships.’

‘Many achievements come from deep inner pace, as a result of it. As long as you don’t make external achievements your purpose.’

Things that made me go ‘Yeah!’:

Will Smith:

‘In life you don’t need a Plan B. Plan B distracts from Plan A!’

‘My greatest fear is fear. I have fear of fear!’

Things about writing:

Gotham Writers’ Workshop: Writing Fiction

On the role of the writer: ‘The great Anton Chekov said (…) that the fiction writer does not need to solve a problem so much as state the problem correctly.

(…) You just have to shine your flashlight on some aspect of life and let the reader see what’s there.’

On beginnings: ‘Think of yourself as a guest who has just arrived at a party. You wish to make a strong impression. You can strangle the hostess. That should do it.’

On editing: ‘A Tennessee Williams said to Gore Vidal after Vidal finished editing one of his short stories: ‘You have corrected all my faults, and they’re all I have!’

Until next week. Stay inspired!

Just enjoy the ride

Source: alixreadstoomuch.com

Right, now that I've taken up celibacy until further notice, I have decided I am going to write a book on dating and love. On how to find love. How to find love for yourself. In that order.

So I'm not planning to write the kind of manual about how to bag yourself a husband or some stupid rules on dating etc. I am planning to put together a vision on how to live happy and incorporate love seamlessly into it. Or at least that's the plan, we'll see how it will go down. I figured the world has changed a lot, surely there must be a different way we function physically, mentally and emotionally, so I am going to start exploring that avenue. Especially now that I am officially the Style and Sex (go figure!) columnist at Bitch-Online.co.uk, I thought I might put my 'expertise' and research methods to good use.

So far I only have the title: 'Just enjoy the ride' and nothing else but a deadline: 16th of April 2013. Mark that date if you think that even remotely I know what I'm talking about. You might want to mark it even if you don't, I promise it will be a fun book, not the kind that takes itself too seriously.

So the plan is to start with reading some books on dating and asess the current market situation. So I ordered a bunch of slighlty less conspicous ones on Amazon.  I threw in a few classics like 'The Rules', and the Amazon confirmation came back with a considerate and lovely list of suggested readings based on my previous choices. And we're talking stuff like 'If This Is Love Why Do I Feel So Insecure?' and 'Daily Meditations for Women Who Think Too Much'. Oh boy, I laughed wholeheartedly! I'm just a bit worried about hiding the covers as I'll read on my way to work. I'll probably feel worse than wearing a T-shirt with the print 'Yes, I am a Scientologist and I believe in aliens, what are you looking at?'. But considering I've seen many women on the tube already with '50 Shades of Grey' think I'll be all right.

This is going to be a really fun ride!

The 32-year old virgin

Source: eBay

 

 

68 days and counting. Since the last time I had sex.  Which is a great thing because… I’ve taken a break from sex! Better yet, I am proclaiming myself a virgin again. 

This as a result of two things I’ve been giving it a lot of thought to recently:

1)      When I lost my virginity a number of years ago, it was one of the most un-poetic and non-romantic things ever and I want to take that back. Because now I truly believe that we can create who we want to be every day of our lives. We’re not carrying around traumas, past, failures, we are erasing them and turning them into positive notions every day, if we so wish! So who’s to stop me from becoming a virgin again?

2)      Sex has always been more of a problem in my life than a joy (who knows, probably as the result of my un-poetic entry into the world of the flesh), a way of feeling validated, a way of getting myself tangled into unhealthy and damaging relationships.  And I hadn’t even realised it was turning into some kind of an addiction.

For years, I’ve been looking for the emotional through the body. Sex in itself is a wonderful thing, but only if the emotional comes first. Not when you’re expecting the emotional relationship as a result of lust. I basically got it the other way around all these years and wondered why things were ALWAYS going wrong!? Doh!

Well, at some point in life you’ve got to figure out what you need to change in order to break the negative cycle, you've got to learn the lesson. So I thought about it long and hard and I realised that: a) one night stands are really not for the faint hearted and don't let yourself be fooled into thinking they're an expression of power and independence, depsite all the feminist propaganda; b) who needs sex when you have marathon running, body pumping and all sorts of other physical activities?; c) when you have enough you really have enough, not sooner nor later, it’s all just part of the process; d) it's still a body matter but it’s about truly inhabiting your body, feel  it’s every corner, fill it with your presence, love it and honour it like the most important thing, because your body is the vessel which helps you live this life the best way you can.

So I’m a virgin again. And I'm happy. Because (and this came as a shock even for me!) I am no longer looking for ANY relationship with ANY guy who'll have me. I am not looking for just anyone, because I’ve found myself. Or better yet I created myself. Just the way I want to be! And I'm not saying that it's not important to be with someone but it's all about the person who comes quietly into your life and feels like it's always belonged there. And that, to me, is the only way to transmute lust into love.

True love comes quitely

Just a nice little quote I stumbled upon today and liked:

'True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked.' (Eric Segal) 

...or get the hell out, I might add.

Dear diary

Dear diary,

Today I had a great day!

I woke up to a clean flat and a nice cup of coffee lovingly made by my flatmate. I debated whether I should go to the yoga class but decided to go for a run instead, the day was too gorgeous to miss! The wine from last night asked for fresh air as well. I put on my running gear, made sure iPod's charged and stepped outside with a spring in my step. Half way down to Tower Bridge I realised it was going to be swarming with tourists but thought I could use the opportunity to train for dodgeball.

I looked up at the sky a lot and it kind of took my breath away. There's something about the colour of the sky sometimes when it's sunny and there are only a few puffy friendly clouds scattered around. It's baby blue like in Renaissance paintings. Almost like God's been painting the sky to make it more fun but you'll only notice if you look at it with intent. You can feel it's a slightly bit surreal.

I didn't have a plan. The day was too amazing to cut my run short. I also had a Tracker bar in my pocket in case I ran out of energy. I had it at Embankment Bridge. I crossed it and ran on the other side. A very fit runner gave me the same look I gave him. I laughed to myself. Then I crossed the Millennium Bridge back on the South Bank and ran with the sun in my face all the way home. I checked my app and realised I ran 14km without too much of a sweat.

Then I packed my laptop and went to a coffee shop by Tower Bridge. I finished transcribing the interview I've been postponing for weeks and finished my canolo with satisfaction. I opened WIP 2 document and reread a few chapters of my wip novel. I liked what I read. Not meaning to blow my own trumpet but it's pretty good. I wrote about 1000 words until I ran out of battery. I stopped somewhere where my character is bored out of her brains and is considering swimming the English Channel and probably end up eaten by the small sharks she heard swim these waters. Note to self: research required.

I walked all the way home in the crisp evening air feeling pretty damn good. Ready for a week of fascinating research on people with dysphagia? Maybe not so much, but who knows what tomorrow brings? :)

The life formula

Turns our life is as simple as E=mc²_. Ok, maybe not quite so ‘simple’, but you get what I mean.

It took me a while until I figured things out, though. I mean, I’ve spent long hard years complaining, feeling victimised, unloved, ugly, fat, stuck, persecuted by everything and everyone around me. And the more I placed the blame on things outside of myself, the more I got tangled into the vertigo of feeling like crap for nearly every single day of my life. And since everyone did the same, I thought it was normal.

But thankfully a day came when I got tired of it and I decided I was going to try a little something called positive thinking. And guess what? It worked. My life got better, I turned into a beautiful swan and had men swarming around me like in a Lynx for women advert! Gotcha! Not true, of course. But that’s besides the point because you know what else I found out while trying positive thinking and failing at it almost every single day for a very long time? That it’s not an easy process and that it takes a lot more than covering up the dirt under the shiny carpet I’ve just cleaned with my ‘Power Positive Thinking’ magic cleaner. It takes a lot of soul detoxing, a lot of ego renunciation, a lot of enjoyment of the simple things and a lot of looking at the sky every single day and saying : ’Wow, I’ve never quite seen anything like this before.’

And after trying all these things every day until it all became quite normal, I’ve figured it out! There is a formula to life. It’s called: do nothing which is not true to your essence and enjoy what makes you happy until you cry. You find yourself in the wrong crowd and feeling uncomfortable? Get the hell out of there? A guy hasn’t treated you right? Delete his number? Fuck it, take him off your Facebook list of friends! That pig statue from October Fest next to the TV making you cringe? Break it! Is that friend you’ve known since high school being condescending? Stop answering her calls! The boss being unfair to you? Tell him in his face! Want more money at work? Ask for it! Found out that there is somebody out here who cares for you? Jump up and down with joy! Haven’t spoken to your Mum today? Call her and tell her how much you love her! Want to take that trip to Botswana? Just do it!

And this is, my friends, the life formula I have finally figured out. Thank God it’s not too late!

Source: roomsofdreams.com via Iulia on Pinterest

Let the right ones in

 

When you’ve figured it out you need a change, first you need to make room in your life to receive the new.  Whether it’s your physical environment, habits or relationships, it’s important to let go of things and people that don’t bring any value into your life so you can allow the right things and people to enter your vital space.

I’ve generally been pretty good at cleaning up my wardrobe every once in a while, I like my environment to be tidy,  I file my paperwork,  I have to do lists, I surround myself with order, light and space. But what I’ve not really considered until somewhat recently is that the people you chose to surround yourself with have a probably even greater impact on your wellbeing and wholesomeness and that relationships are a two way street. A giver by nature, I found out the hard way how easy it is to be wasteful with my energy and realised I do have people in my life who do not actually bring anything in but are happy to take away my time, thoughts, ideas and vitality simply because I am so indiscriminately generous with my vital resources.  I was pretty surprised at realising that, despite the fact that I am one blessed girl with amazing, inspirational and nurturing friends, I also have a lot of cleaning up to do.

It started a long time ago, with me being too blind to see. But now, awaken from the dream, I see the reality staring at me in the face. In the person of Ben (not his real name) eating his green Thai curry opposite me and asking for the second bottle of beer while I'm not even half way through my Singha.  I ignore it and close my eyes savouring the most delicious curry coconut soup with prawns I’ve ever had and wondering what am I really doing here. After all, he has dumped me 5 months ago on the basis that ‘he couldn’t be bothered’.  What am I trying to achieve by giving him advice on how he should establish an emotional connection with someone if he doesn’t want to end up alone, wondering if his real purpose isn’t perhaps to bed me for old time’s sake? Wondering why did I gladly accept to hang out with him when I don’t even like the guy so much, when I notice he walks funny, he’s not holding the door for me and he’s drinking too much? Wondering what the hell is my ego looking for: recognition (‘you were right and I was wrong?’), boost (‘you’re so much fun and I love hanging out with you’), flattery (‘I still fancy you’)? And to what purpose? I decide that I probably need to be in this situation so I can finally put an end to this and realise that just because something isn’t obviously toxic or blatantly destructive it doesn’t mean it’s good for you. I send him a text in the morning asking him to not get in touch with me again.

And yes, it does make me feel better. Because life’s supposed to be an evolutionary process and it’s absolutely normal that we outgrow situations, relationships and people in it. Feeling empowered by the decisions we make propel us to higher and higher grounds. And if there’s anything we should be looking for in our mutually nurturing relationships is the feeling that together we are limitless.

Let the right ones in!

 

 

 

 

Just be

 

There was a time when I was furiously dating. I was on a mission and I got upset people didn't know what they wanted. Or so I thought. As if I knew what I wanted...
I've been on so many dates I could probably write a book about it. But does it really matter on how many dates you go?
I don't know. I guess it does a little bit. It makes your skin thicker. Think the best thing about going on a lot of bad dates and getting involved with all the wrong people is that you get used to things not working out. So, even if I get really excited about someone, I am ready to take the fall. It's like trying to surf and keep falling off the board. You quite enjoy the ride so keep at it until you finally manage to stand. And how many times you've fallen really doesn't matter. Like I said before, mistakes are good. They make you a better person (or dater).

I'm still dating. Not so much though. It's only when MY life allows it and I'm actually having fun with it. I've been on a date this Friday and when I realised I was more interested in the bartender's cocktail making, I decided to call it quits and went to my friend's gig instead. Where I had a great time! And met some nice people. Because I no longer hold anyone else responsible for how I feel. Because I do dance like nobody's watching (you should see my moves - totally appalling!). Because I do say the silliest things without worrying what people think about me. Because this is how I roll now.
I think I've transcended into something completely new. I'm actually taking my time to get to know people. Whether they are just friends or potential partners, it doesn't really matter. As long as they have something to say. It's about exploring other people, finding out what they're all about and consequently, letting them know what you're all about. Layer by layer.

They say good things happen when you're not looking. I don't think that's true. We're all looking for good things. But perhaps we're not looking for them in the right place. It's all about looking inside ourselves first.

 

The weak passages

Source: services. flikie.com

 

 

I look at myself in the mirror and there's a clear moment when I, the watcher, am looking at somebody else's face. I know it to be mine and yet it isn't. It's a strange feeling. I'm not a completely separate entity but I am looking at myself without judgement and with a bit more love, as if it's somebody else I am looking at.

It's funny how some of us find it easy to forgive others but we have so little mercy for ourselves.

I'm very tough on myself. I hate it when I don't function according to plan. It pains me when my reactions to certain situations, sometimes, are not the most dignified. I punish myself when I do something I regret. But one day I look at myself in the mirror and realise I can maybe try and love myself the same way I'd love somebody else. Talk to myself as if I am talking to a scared child, encourage myself and give myself emotional comfort. Would I forgive this person staring back at me for all the stupid things she's ever done, for all the times she has been weak and disappointing? I guess I would.

I try it for a few days. Every time I catch a glimpse of my face in some sort of reflective surface, I tell the girl in the mirror how wonderful she is. And it works. My inner dialogue changes and I stop judging myself so hard. I start wearing red lipstick and smile to myself more often. I stop caring about not being perfect. Because maybe I am.

Maybe it's supposed to be this way: maybe it is the 'weak passages' that make the strong ones stronger.


'When I was thirteen or fourteen years old, I use to take lessons in musical composition. Not because I was a child prodigy but because of my father's quiet tact. It was during the war and a friend of his, a Jewish composer, was required to wear the yellow star; people had begun to avoid him. Not knowing how to show his solidarity, my father thought of asking him just to give me lessons. (...) 
(...) I retain my admiration for him, and three or four images. Especially this one, seeing me out after a lesson, he stopped by the door and suddenly said to me: 'There are many surprisingly weak passages in Beethoven. But it is the weak passages that bring out the strong ones. It's like a lawn - if it weren't there, we couldn't enjoy the beautiful tree growing on it.' (Milan Kundera - Testaments Betrayed)