The singleton syndrome

I didn't even realize it, but I think I may have crossed the line between being single and longing for a relationship and being single and feeling really comfortable about it.

I only just came to the conclusion that all the ideas I have been toying with about me coming of age and looking for the Nice Guy were just self-convincing statements, when, in reality, I have made such an incredible good job at really enjoying being single that I have reasons to believe that I may have become a relationship phobic.

While dumbfound by the realization that I may actually have a problem, I went on the ever reliable Google and wandered around in search of answers. I cam across this title: "The Successfully Single Syndrome" by Dr. Nancy Kenyon and thought it could be a good idea to read some of this literature that may find me some answers. It seems that the book is dealing with why people are still single and giving advice on how to find the right partner, but I am not sure many people have bothered to see that while trying hard to convince ourselves we don't need somebody else in our lives to make us happy, us single people have programmed our minds that we are probably happier alone than trapped inside a relationship that we can't seem to be able to embrace the perspective of a one...

Scared by the things I have just discovered, I have also noticed that no matter how much I rationalize it, I do, without a shred of a doubt, have a falling in love pattern and yes, it is the people that don't want me that make me want them. How pathetic. In a day and age when I thought I had it all sorted out, turns out that if I a guy is too much into me, I tend to run away as if I was bitten by a poisonous cobra. I cannot help but wonder what is it that I must do, to let go of this bad habit and simply open my heart fully to a person that surrounds me with attention and perhaps "loves me just the way I am". I am fighting battles with my own feelings and instincts and I do pray to God that I win. Otherwise, I'll be chasing dead horses all my life while wondering what am I doing wrong. What am I doing wrong is being set on some silly self imposed criteria and not being able to open my eyes and be more flexible about things. I wonder if I may still stand a chance to be cured of the Single Syndrome or is the kind that sticks with you forever and ever?...

Nobody is supposed to live alone and yet again, we have beaten Mother Nature to the polls. Take that Nature, who said we can't live single happily ever after?... Who says we can't be walking the earth in search for some sense and purpose? I mean, what else if left after I come back from climbing mountains like a goat? Just a big black emptiness... I guess.