Kicking out the attention seeker inside

So it looks like on my 33rd year on this planet I may have finally learnt a thing or two. Things which may seem pretty obvious to others but who weren't so obvious for me and, who knows, probably for lots of other confused individuals out there.

Today I want to talk about the inner 'attention seeker'. In some people it's not so inner, it's pretty much out in the open. It usually manifests itself through self-taken Instagram pictures (guilty!), pictures taken with the phone in the mirror - usually semi-naked (not guilty!), extreme cleavage - both men and women, we know who they are - (guilty, but only in my early 20's), responding to anyone who pays attention to them (guilty!), pouting in every photo (oh, so guilty!), posting pictures of themselves in a bikini on FB (guility!), heavy make-up and self tan (not guilty!), bragging about all sorts of performances (guilty!), texting/messaging people just to get a reply from them (guilty!), laughing loudly (guilty, but only when it's intentional, I am usually a loud person!), doing favours just to receive attention (guilty!). And many other symptoms.

The truth is that with the rise of Facebook, Twitter, fashion blogging etc more cases of 'attention seeking' have been reported in the world. So what, you might say! It's not like looking for attention ever killed anyone. Well, there are two important side-effects of attention seeking disease:

1) It keeps on giving.

The sufferer has no rest day and night without attention, it wants more, it does more to get it, eventually it leaves him/her empty and exhausted.

2) It serves no purpose.

Attention seeking is nothing but the result of a low self esteem (you should trust me on this one because I know everything there is to know about low self esteem). And it serves no purpose. Attracting attention needs to have a purpose, some sort of intent in mind.

Writing on a blog is a form of attention seeking, some of you might argue. It certainly is. In my case it's kind of how it started. I needed a place to vent, a place where I could talk about myself for the sole purpose of talking about myself and have others reading it. But in time, my intentions changed. Now I just want to share what I discover about myself in the hope that my own experiences could influence positively on those who read it. That's all. And that's why I am writing on this blog. Day in and day out.

So if anything, give your attention seeking a higher purpose. Otherwise, it's plain lame!


Since I took the time to judge myself and found myself guilty as hell for seeking ego-driven attention, I decided to do something about it. A little bit every day. Post less on Facebook, do more soul searching, increase my self esteem, give myself more love, add higher meaning to my actions. Until I am able to say I am 'attention-seeking' free!

Because I'm kicking the inner 'attention seeker' out! Be gone, you fool!




 

On being a woman of high value

Via pinterest

You may have noticed I've been a bit more quiet lately (or just less vocal than usually, some might say). The reason being I'm doing lots and lots and lots of research for the 'Love book' (that's how I like to call it now :). And the more I dig deep into the whole love and dating universe I discover so much more about myself. I suppose that in the end this is its purpose: I'm going on a journey and taking everyone else along with me.

One of the things I've come across during my readings, is the notion of 'high value' woman. Nothing special so far because don't we all, modern women of today, really value ourselves?

I don't know. Looking back at my own life, I wouldn't be so sure...

In order to be perceived as someone of high value you have to be someone of high value. Every day, in every relationship. You don't take a break from being 'high value'.

I remember there was a time in my life (not too long ago, I'm reluctantly admitting) when I had mainly casual relationships. When asked, I replied saying that the people I got involved with weren't what I was looking for anyway, so in the meantime, I might as well just have fun. In time, it became a lifestyle, a way of being. Soon I forgot how to act differently...

So I had to change. In every aspect, in every relationship, past any history I may had had with anyone, I had to start acting like a woman of high value. Because it wasn't about how 'they' perceived me but about how I perceived myself!

Starting with friendships. The moment you can stand up to a 'friend' who only contacts you for last minute social requests, then you can stand up to a man you're dating and do the same thing. Your friend doesn't value you and neither does the man you're dating.

And moving onto the 'mixed' friendships. Let's admit it, we all have them. That guy who is really just your friend, but is always there to have a drink with you, massage your ego when you get dumped and somehow ends up between your bedsheets with your lipstick all over his face. Or the friend who really is just a friend and he sees nothing but a big fat 'FRIEND' in you, but who you really fancy the pants out of him and secretly hope he'll see one day how amazing you are and fancy the pants out of you back. Yes, all those 'mixed' friendships are bad for you. Finish them or sort them out. Friends or lovers! Or nothing! Being an 'in betweener' doesn't bring you anything of value.

And finishing with the men you are dating. Or would like to. Or you need to stop dating. All those men who don't see in you the same 'high value' as you do are a no brainer. They'll cancel themselves out. All the others who do see, will make an effort and they're really the only ones who deserve to get to know you.

It's not so easy to spot and stop the relatioships in your life which are undermining your 'high value', but don't let yourself be put off. Sometimes they feel so natural, they're so imbedded in your life that it will take a bit of searching. But it's like starting training for a marathon. It always ever starts with that first mile...

I've been training for this kind of 'marathon' for a while and happy to see the results in my everyday life. I'm not ready to run the whole race yet, but I'm definitely in the right training programme. And I can highly recommend it ;)



 

What a (Valentine's) day!

Source: wallpapersforme.com

Love it or hate it, V day takes so much energy out of people.

Oh, how I used to love feeling miserable on Valentine's Day! A black day in my life calendar's, a cruel reminder I was alone and unloved. What a relief to have outgrown these ludicrous self-imposed pressures.

It feels pretty good to be light hearted on Valentine's day. And if you want to have a right old laugh go inside a Paperchase a day before V DAY and marvel at the swarms of (ridiculously good looking! ) men fretting over what card would the loved one be most satisfied with.

I went there with my friend the other day and felt really tempted to use some of my newly learnt 'attract-love-into-your -love' techniques, which involves striking up a conversation with a man and asking something silly like 'Do you think this card is made of recycled paper?', whilst harbouring the most seductive smile ever known to humans. But looking at all the men's concerned faces I realised that was a mission doomed to fail. And anyway, that wasn't why I was in Paperchase for. I was in Paperchase to look for a 'neutral' Valentine's card - the kind of card you give to someone you've only just started dating -  in an attempt to save my friend from the embarrassment of giving her date a card which implied too much sentiment.

After reading numerous advice books and having failed at more-than-I'd-like-to-admit attempts of relationships over the past 6 years of singleton-ness, I figured that much: she must stop herself from giving too much away on V Day. An almost impossible mission though. Noisy love declarations everywhere. Nothing simple like: 'Happy V Day. Best, x '. There were hearts given away, hearts stolen, hearts halved in two by arrows, hearts serenading, hearts holding hands, hearts promising each other eternal love, hearts and hearts and hearts and hearts!... It took us a while until we found something with a democratic message: Circle the one option which applies to you. Phew, crisis averted. By the time we got to the till, the mile long queue of (ridiculously good looking - I hope they have single twin brothers!) men had shrinked. I didn't get to ask anyone about the recycled paper, but that felt good. All I could picture for myself that evening was a cup of tea and an early night. No V Day date was just fine with me.

The thing with Valentine's day is that it's a bit like marmite: you either love it or hate it. But how about being neutral to it?...

Hello love!

source: express.com

Yes, there is definitely a whole new kind of energy this year. An energy that's so positive and prolific, I'm amazed of such power. It's like I've been handed a magic wand which I've got to be really careful how I use before I turn somebody into Skittles,  should I play around with it carelessly.

Some of you may remember that I pledged to write a dating book last year. This year, that feeble and fun idea which came about during an evening out over a glass of wine, is slowly but surely becoming an actual project.

I have a few people on board who are willing and happy to be part of it. I'm reading a lot of books (from philosophy and psychology to 'scientific' papers such as 'How to Be So Irresistible You'll Barely Keep from Dating Yourself!'), brushing up my dating shoes, polishing up my online dating profile, going to workshops and speed dating events, totally immersing myself in the world of dating, in the hope that I'll find something real and relevant to share with the world. And the more I get involved, the more I realise how rich the body of knowledge is. It looks like this will take a lot longer than I initially estimated....

I am planning for a 2013 delivery, but I'm afraid it's not going to be April. More likely the finalisation of the research will come about towards the end of the year, as a minimum of 6 months of experimenting and documenting is probably required. So, if this is something you are eagerly awaiting, pretty please, bear with me. Needless to say, I will need all the help I can get so if you've discovered an interesting article or a book which may be useful, or you'd like to be part of the research, drop me a line.



Source:guardian.co.uk

The funny thing is that I used to believe love was some random accident that will just 'happen' to you (if you're lucky) and stay with you (if you're even luckier!). I've spent countless anxious moments fretting over 'when will I be dumped'. I've spent all my energy trying to convince the opposite sex I was worthy of attention, missing out in the process the fact that I am extraordinary and I do deserve an extraordinary relationship.  But since I've concocted this project and started researching it, I am starting to believe that, like with anything else in life, finding love is a matter of attitude. It's something you deliberately open yourself up to and fully attract in your life. Whether that's going to happen, we'll see in the course of the next few months, but in the meantime, 'Hello, Love! It's time for us to go on a ride!'



Let's talk about death, baby

Source: artpistol.co.uk

When somebody close to you dies, you feel you have the right to cry out your feelings, feel miserable, feel turned inside up and outside down, feel angry or suppress emotions -  however you chose to deal with it, you have the right! When somebody you didn't know that well dies, then... the decent thing to do is to shut up, present your condolences and try not to let the tragic event affect you that much. But not knowing someone that intimately doesn't mean that sometimes, when someone you know dies, you're not utterly shaken to the core.

A dear friend's wife died a bit over a month ago... A tragic, shocking and unreasonable death, which I knew was going to really affect me, but I was travelling when it happened, so I somehow managed to postpone its impact, like a tsunami frozen in time.

I usually find some sort of comfort in knowing that sometimes deaths can be explained. Ok, so it was an accident, nothing anyone could have done about it. Ok, so he contracted malaria in Malawi while on gap year because he forgot to take his tablets and died. Action and consequence. What are the chances this would happen to me?

But this was no accident. This was a battle with cancer which was fought bravely and for a while it seemed like life was winning. But despite all the great progress, a wonderful mother and wife was taken away in a flash. A person who was so positive that I had no doubt will fight this and win it! Someone my age. Someone who's lived a healthy life, a good life, a generous life. Someone who's given nothing but love and positive thoughts to the world. Someone... like me?...

So I was left with a bunch question in my head... 'How did this happen? She was recovering so well...' 'Why her?' 'Why not me?' 'How can I be sure this won't happen to me?' I let myself spiral down a dangerous path  onto which I've been before, after my uncle died of cancer two years ago. I felt like I had a duty to do something about it. Like I can't just be relieved it didn't happen to me, present my condolences and carry on with my life. Because suddenly I was looking at the idea of death in the face. It wasn't anymore an abstract notion which I could just fend off hopefully for many many years. It wasn't just something that happens to other people. It was something that can happen to me, to you, to her, to the guy across from me on the tube,  the one reading 'Train Spotting' who I quite think is cute, to the girl who's serving me coffee at Pret in the morning, the really pretty and smiley one, to anyone and everyone I know.

I suddenly felt guilty for all the times I was bored, I felt my life was uninteresting, I was upset for stupid reasons, for believing life wasn't worth living alone, for feeling no passion for my job, for complaining about the weather, for all the crazy thoughts only someone ignorant of death can possibly have. I felt particularly humbled after I read her blog. Thoughts she trusted into the digital space, not knowing how much life to live she still had left...

'Sometimes I think something must be wrong with me... I have metastatic cancer, my doctor said he doesn't know how much time I've got left, but despite it all, I'm probably living some of the happiest days of my life... Am I crazy?' she wrote a couple of months before she passed away. 'My diagnosis does not make me any different than the healthy people. They don't know either how many days they've got to live. Nobody knows. Now I'm alive and I'm living it beautifully.'

I also found out from her blog about the possible connection between parabens (common preservatives found in almost every cosmetic product and toiletry) and breast cancer. And in a desperate attempt to claim the longevity of my life, I started raiding all my possessions. I threw away half of the bottles filled with lotions and gels and quarantined a bag of expensive face creams with no ingredients listed as guilty until proven otherwise ( by the way, expensive creams like Elizabeth Arden 8 Hour Cream and Clarins Flash Beauty Balm do have parabens - binned!). I binned two full bottles of L'Oreal True Match Foundation (a best-selling product I've been using for years) containing three types of parabens and replaced it with an expensive Benefit one the very next day. I've even stopped using the hand soap at work for the same reason (I still wash my hands but use my own paraben-free sanitiser). What's happening to me? Am I getting crazy?... IS THIS HOW I'M GOING TO STAY ALIVE??

No, this is not how I am going to stay alive. I can't protect myself from every single potentially harmful and deadly element from my environment and I can't live in fear. But what I can do is live, breathe, smile, love, cry, do all the stupid things and all the great things I want to do, never once look back and say; 'I wish I had lived my life differently.'


This post is dedicated to the memory of Ina Coretchi, a wonderful woman and someone who taught me life's so worth living and full of endless possibilities. Rest in peace.