Inertia

 'Inertia is the resistance of any physical object to a change in its state of motion or rest, or the tendency of an object to resist any change in its motion. (...) Inertia comes from the Latin word, iners, meaning idle, or lazy. Isaac Newton defined inertia as his first law in his Philosophiæ Naturalis Principia Mathematica, which states:

The vis insita, or innate force of matter, is a power of resisting by which every body, as much as in it lies, endeavours to preserve its present state, whether it be of rest or of moving uniformly forward in a straight line.'

 

[Source: Wikipedia]

 

I noticed some things lately which made me think of inertia.

I used to think that I will never find love. Yes, I honestly did. There is absolutely no logic to this belief other than the fact that I didn't find someone to share my life with until now. I think there's a strange part of me that somehow finds comfort in this situation. Being single is what I know, what I'm comfortable with. The old feeling of aloneness feels familiar. When someone gets close, I believe I do everything in my power to sabotage the relationship either by finding something wrong with the other person or by acting in ways which justify why I'm still single. I'm doing a great job to prove myself unlovable. Or at least the old me did...

Over the last few years, I've put great effort into changing. Great effort which is definitely paying off. I stopped blaming the world and the people around me or my ill fate for when things don't go the way I want them to go. I see myself as a do-er, not a complainer. When I feel bad, I make myself feel better: I go for a run, I read an inspirational book, I talk to a friend, I drink a nice cup of coffee. I am a new person and that's why I was greatly surprised to find old thoughts and beliefs lurking around in my head.

Very, very weird thoughts such as 'I will never find love', 'Everybody finds somebody, but me', 'If it's not happening now, it will never happen' etc. And I almost believed these thoughts, but the closer I looked at what was going on inside my head, the more I realised I don't actually believe them! It's almost as if I took a step back and I was able to observe the bizarre dance of my thoughts without  letting them take control over me. I realised that they were nothing but phantoms of the old me, shadows that didn't want to go, lingering there out of inertia.

I also noticed that I sometimes talk about other people and the things that bother me about them. It's an apparently harmless habit, which allows me to release any feelings that are bottling up inside of me about one or another person. The way I see it, if you express feelings and opinions, it's therapeutic. In reality, the following phenomenon happens: the more I talk about someone, the more I start to believe the stories I tell myself about them. So my attitude about that person changes based on the reality I start to build about them. Instead of being a loving presence in the world, I add more frustrations which frankly I can totally do without. I add up grievances, which only make my growth and ascension harder and at this point it's the last thing I need - what do I care about that friend who didn't do what they promised? Has my life suffered because of that? Absolutely NOT! My life is still great :)

Robert Holden suggests that, when dealing with grievances, we first must acknowledge them, grief and release. So I decided that first of all I was going to totally accept whatever was going  on in my mind and see what happened. What happens is that the moment I start formulating opinions about someone I already start feeling uncomfortable with it, but I carry on out of habit. I am not worried because I know it's just a matter of time until I stop doing it. Also, I am starting to linger a lot less on saying negative things about myself and I carry on with my life. It's all inertia. Old habits and thoughts are resisting but it's only a while until the driving force of change starts moving everything else along.

We may be spiritual beings at our core, but we exist in human form, we are made of matter. And we are subject to the laws of the matter: we have emotions which are triggered by chemicals, we contain mostly water, we react to physical pain and pleasure and we obey the laws of physics - inertia being one of them. So accepting that forces who resist change will be hanging around for a while, it's the first step to transformation. Good things take time. I accept my inertia. I'm only human.

 

 

 

The common cure to falling in love

Tracy Emin - Stylist Cover

'We are obsessed in our society with falling in love. It is a social fever that provokes delirium in us from a very young age'* says Robert Holden.

‘We fall in love because we long to escape from ourselves with someone as ideal as we are corrupt.’** is of opinion Alan de Boton.

‘Albert Camus suggested that we fall in love with people because from the outside, they look so whole, physically whole and emotionally ‘together’ – when subjectively, we feel dispersed and confused. (...) Expecting to find the answer, we only find the duplicate of our problems.’ **

But does falling in love has to be such a daunting perspective?

Falling in love feels good. Studies have shown that the chemical processes taking place in the brain when falling in love are similar to those induced by cocaine consumption. A person who has fallen in love feels happier because a pleasing cocktail of dopamine, norepinephrine and phenylethylamine is readily released.

But falling in love also feels bad.

'The telephone becomes an instrument of torture in the demonic hands of a beloved who doesn’t ring.’** says Alain de Boton. And don't we all agree? How many times have you obsessed over someone you've recently met but who you've fallen head over heels in love with? He loves me, he loves me not, oh the pain... But fear not, scientists have come up with an explanation. And where there's an explanation, there's a solution.

They discovered that despite the increase in dopamine, oxytocine et al, people in love have lower levels of serotonin. These lower serotonin levels are the same as those found in people with obsessive-compulsive disorders, possibly explaining why those in love "obsess" about their partner.

So how can we keep the positive effects of falling and love, whilst counteracting the more unpleasant ones? My thoughts would be by boosting serotonin levels.

Apparently a good night sleep helps. The good night sleep which starts before midnight and allows for at least 7 hours of restful sleep. Waking up early helps too. Exercising for at least 30 to 60 mins three times a week is also key.  Natural daylight works wonders too - the more you can pack in the better. And food rich in the amino acid tryptophan, which your body converts to serotonin, such as chicken, cottage cheese, dark chocolate, eggs, oats, pork, turkey, wheat germ, soya beans, salmon.

Interesting how a healthy lifestyle can even sort out our love lives. Think I'll head to the nearest organic food shop before my bootcamp class tonight. And I'm not even in love, but getting ready just in case! ;)

 

 

 

* Loveability - Robert Holden PhD, Hay house 2013

**Essays in Love – Alain de Botton, Picador, 2006

My week in one word: Love

I bought this beautiful 'Love' ring today. I'm not really a ring person - I'm more of a chunky necklaces kind of girl - but when I saw it in the jewellery shop, I knew I had to have it. I needed it. As a reminder. That love is the answer to every question. That every time I am challenged, upset, distressed, anxious, insecure, depressed, damaged, needy, clingy, nasty, resentful, pathetic, unhelpful, negative, judgemental, stubborn, lazy, defeatist and lonely, love is always the only way to make things good again. All I need to do is take a look at this ring, breathe and let all those negative feelings dissolve, let them go away...

We all have our good days and our bad days. I like to think that I have more good days than bad days, but getting rid of old habits doesn't happen overnight. It takes a long, long time to just keeping at it before you start seeing real change. Despite years of trying, I haven't even began to change truly.

It seems easy enough to change nasty habits like smoking and binge drinking into healthy ones like exercising, but is it really enough? If doing so seems like a chore sometimes, maybe what we're trying to do is just scrapping the surface, instead of making real change. This week I've been reading 'Loveability' (by Robert Holden) and it's opened my eyes to realise that all the positive change in the world can only really be achieved by loving yourself. When you love yourself, you want the best for yourself and that's when exercising, eating healthily, drinking plenty of water and sleeping well seems like the natural thing to do. It's an expression of your love to yourself. Excess is viewed as a thing of the past, reminiscent of your self-rejection.

This may seem pretty obvious, but I can guarantee you that when you're tangled in your own fear born stories, the answer is not so evident. I'm not into tattoos so a ring suits me just fine, as a reminder to keep my focus on what's real.

I'll give you an example. Last week I've been given the radio silence treatment from a guy I've only met a few times, I liked him enough to go out with him, but still a guy I knew almost nothing about. And yet when he decided to ignore me, old fears and thoughts re-emerged. They were strong enough to put me through at least two full days of self-judgement and self-punishment. I convinced myself once again I had done something to drive him away, I found myself guilty of having been too keen and not having followed the Rules (WTF is wrong with me!?) and then I really despised myself for having texted him with what I felt. So instead of making it easier for myself to get over it asap, I made it harder. And I turned something probably really insignificant (at the end of the day, if he couldn't look into my soul and see the treasures that I know are there, he was nothing but a waste of time for me) into another drama. I declared myself unloveable again (it's a habit I've been mastering for years, probably since I was born!) and decided that I was probably going to spend the rest of my life alone.

Now, if I had been focused on the truth about myself, I would have discarded those thoughts as if they were just annoying flies. Because I do know for a fact that thoughts attract each other and my brain was just doing what it knew best: reviving similar memories and making me believe they were real. If I had been focused on the truth about myself, I would have looked deep inside myself with love and thought 'God, I'm such a wonderful creature, thank you for making me see the beauty and the treasures you put in me!'. I would have not allowed a simple rejection to turn me into a fearful and insecure person all over again. Because I am not that person anymore.

Thankfully it didn't last too long. I opened my eyes to see those annoying demons disappearing like smoke, the moment I realised they were not real. But I honestly don't want to see them back again so I'm holding on to this little word: LOVE. And until I remember it forever and ever, I'll be wearing it on my finger.

Stay inspired, people!


 

Radio silence is NOT cool!

Source: fact.co.uk

“Don't you hate that? Uncomfortable silence. Why do we feel it's necessary to talk about bull in order to feel comfortable? That's when you know you've found somebody really special. When you can just shut the hell up for a minute and comfortably share a silence' -  Pulp Fiction



But there's another kind of uncomfortable silence out there which I'd like to talk about and its name is radio silence. Defined by the Urban Dictionary as occurring 'when somebody doesn't return phone calls or text messages, is most commonly used when trying to develop a relationship with someone.'

I've just been radio silenced. Again.

The first time it happened when I was 21 and very much in love with a handsome Greek man, who used to text me and call every day and night. Until one day, when he stopped completely. Just like that. I was heartbroken. Big time. At 21 you kind of still believe in good intentions and for the life of me I couldn't explain it to myself why he suddenly decided to play dead. He would have saved me years of agony if he'd just picked up the phone and said to me: 'Listen kid, you're nice and sweet and all, but you know what, you're no challenge to me and frankly I'm a bit bored. Plus, I've met this hot Greek lady which I really have the hots for. But don't be upset, your time will come, you'll be a sophisticated lady one day and you'll meet a hot man who'll be dancing to your tune, you just need to grow up a bit. And chill, you know. Don't take it personally, it was fun while it lasted! Yassou!'

12 years later and it gets me every time. Last year, I was dating a guy for two months before he radio silenced me. Damn, it hurt. I told him so. I have this nagging urge to close chapters and wanted to know what the hell possessed him to think it was ok to just disappear without notice. I got nothing until a few months later when I discovered he had sent me a message on the dating website on which we'd initially met. That he was sorry blah blah blah. We met up again a couple of times until I told to myself 'Iulia, what the hell are you doing?' so I told him that I didn't think he was adding any value to my life and that I would appreciate if he stopped contacting me. A couple of days ago he messaged me again. I am in radio silence. But I already said what I had to say and I am in no way miss managing his expectations. He'd probably have to set himself on fire now if he really wanted my attention.

A week ago I was radio silenced again. I went on F-O-U-R dates with someone I really began to like and who's behaviour indicated that he really liked me too. We even had the radio silence conversation on our fourth date (perhaps I was trying to preempt it from happening again so I told him about my unfortunate experience from last year):
Me:  'Isn't it awful?'
Him: 'Yes, it's terrible. It happened to me last year too.'
Great, a man who understands how it feels. Ummm, on a second thought.... After our fourth date, he went under. I send him a text on Sunday,one on Monday and another one on Friday (stupid, I know, hold your stones, it was default behaviour!). Then I deleted his number and our conversations. It was time for me to deal with radio silence differently.

To me, it's one of the most difficult things to deal with. I can't possibly understand why someone who thought highly enough of you to invite you out on a few dates (please note I'm not talking about the silence following one date in which both people don't think things need to be taken further and they mutually radio silence each other) doesn't feel you are worthy to be notified he doesn't want to pursue things with you any longer. Or at least that's how I perceive it because I respect people I engage with enough to tell them directly how I feel right then and there. I don't really look at this and go 'He's nothing but a coward who doesn't deserve any further thought.' No, I fret over it and I lose sleep over it. I just don't get it how can somebody pursue you like you're the hottest thing around since the iPhone and then drop you like you've developed leprosy over night. So what I normally tend to do when this happens is that I spend way too many days feeling bruised and upset, sometimes I try to contact the person and tell them that wasn't a nice thing to do (although it never makes me feel better!) and in the end I decide to be the better person and forgive them. Recipe for success. Not!

As Jen Clarke aptly puts it <“Sometimes your closure is just realising that this guy is scum.” Amen, sister. Sadly, that is very often all the closure you’ll get. And all you should try to get. Attempting to force his hand to defend his actions will rarely result in anything good. You’re not likely to get a real answer. (Should he actually answer the phone, rest assured the following will be coming out of his mouth: “Ummmm, I’ve been busy…” Sound familiar?) So here’s what you have to do: Let him disappear. As tough as it is, it’s really your only recourse. Do anything else and you’ll either be the dumb chick who bought into his excuses or you’ll come off looking like a desperado, or both. (Trust me, I’ve been both and it ain’t pretty.)>

Yep, so did I. And it feels really crap already that you've been discarded but to go through further humiliation is probably 10 times worse.

Although I really do wish that there was a Love Police out there who would diligently make note of  my complaint and shame the offender publicly so he never does it again, I know that's not happening nor that it will in any way prevent it from happening again. So I have decided (do wish me luck because I really want to kick any guy right in between his legs for even thinking this is an OK thing to do!) that I am just moving on. Not holding on to why hasn't he thought highly of me, why didn't he like me? Who cares! As long as I like myself... Which between us, I seriously doubt that I do, since I've let this affect me already more than it should have, but, hey, I guess it's all part of the learning process. At the end of the day, being honest and direct is a matter of self-respect and radio silence is simply NOT cool. At least in my world.

What do you think? Has this happened to you? How do you deal with radio silence?






 

Loveability

I'm going through some very interesting times. I am writing a book which is now turning into something a lot deeper and complex than I initially thought. I've been thinking a lot about something over the last few days: I have a feeling that this book, this project has been given to me with a purpose. I'll develop this further below, as I am also trying to make sense out of it.

I will confess that the idea of a book on dating came to me when I realised that I was something of an unsuccessful dating 'specialist' and if things were going to carry on on the path I was on, I might as well do something productive with it, ie write a book, get it published, the usual. But, unsurprisingly, I wasn't even aware of that myself. It wasn't until I read in Gretchen Ruben's 'The Happiness Project' that she got involved in her happiness project to prepare herself for the worst, that I realised I was basically doing the same thing. I think that deep down inside of me I always thought that having a project (writing a book) will give me a good enough reason to put myself through the miseries of dating et al, without feeling like a failure. I will also confess that my second best dream in life (after finding my soul mate and building a happy life together) was to become an accomplished writer. So, you see, writing a book on dating was my best option. If one failed, I would still have the other. Best case scenario: both!

And as I'm working my way through literature on love, starting up conversations in coffee shops with random men and going on dates, I am finding things out I never thought I would. See, there's a whole literature out there who teaches women how to get men. They usually revolve around sets of rules (such as playing hard to get, replying to a text in no less than 3 hours, being confident, sexy, playful, friendly, relaxed, chatting men up in order to display a confident self but pulling back in order to  get their attention etc etc etc) and they're really doing my head in. It's like learning a new language as you have to constantly think about what do the rules say in such and such situation, which set of rules should you listen to, you're basically forced to rationalise the process too much and end up confused.

There is also a significant body of evidence out there which confirms the fact that LOVE is real, it is something that's recently been accepted by science as legitimate and more so, essential to survival. And I'm not talking about procreation here. We were not born with the ability to survive in the absence of love (however you chose to define it - some people call it the essence of God!). Isolate a mammal and it will eventually die. Just like that, its body will start malfunctioning and it will crash. It's like the body is running out of fuel and the connection with others keeps the fuel pumping. So love does make the world go round even in the scientific circles.

And then there are the 'spiritualists' who all agree that love is the essence of life, is the highest form of wisdom and that it should govern our every move. In a nutshell: love everybody, but start with loving yourself. And I get it. And I do love myself (I think). But then why do I badly want to be in a romantic relationship? What's the point of it if we're suppose to love everybody anyway? So I'm struggling a bit with that, because I feel like I'm doing something wrong by looking for the kind of relationship which usually involves a man, a woman and intimacy [I had a thought on that actually soon after: I think I miss being hugged. I may have lots of friends but I do not hug people on a daily basis. There's a positive effect that hugging and cuddling has on people and my levels are very low right now, so maybe I should just go around hugging my friends for a while...] . And so I was reading from 'Loveability' (by Robert Holden) yesterday on the tube and I almost couldn't stop my tears from running down my face in front of the blase commuters across from me,  when reading about how we are made of love and loving ourselves is the highest form of love, because that's where it all starts. Despite my hard work of so many years already to let go of blockages, love myself, turn bad habits into healthy habits etc, I was still fighting against myself as far as romantic love is concerned. I can't seem to be able to stop from blaming myself for every choice that goes wrong. If I really do love myself, why do I do that? Why can't I just accept things and move on without pointing a finger at myself and saying 'You know what you did wrong there, missy! Let it not happen again, ok?'. My continuous struggle to stop repeating the same mistakes may very well ruin the very present relationships I am trying to establish.

It seems like I am finding more questions than answers at this point, but I figured that I am walking down this path for a reason. I am on a journey of getting deeper connected to my heart instead of my mind. And it's a really difficult thing to do when you've learnt to rationalise your every move all your life. I'm unlearning things and hopefully one day, I will also learn how to love. Properly this time.