I tried feeling miserable. I really tried. I tried looking at all the loved up couples having picnics in the park and feeling like the one left out. I tried thinking about how lonely I am and how it is Easter again. I tried looking in the mirror and noticing my wrinkles (they are there now, can't miss them even with my poor vision).
I really tried to feel miserable. I wanted to soak in my own misery and feel like the one girl who's never going to find love and happiness because sometimes it's just easy to feel like that. Sometimes it feels that putting on a brave face and constantly repeating positive mantras is just so energy draining. It feels that once in a while it's ok to feel like the ugly duckling and imagine a lifetime of loneliness because you simply can't see how the opposite will ever happen. But you know what - I couldn't! I just simply couldn't! Because feeling good about myself is simply not a difficult task. It's not something I have to force upon myself, but a state of just be. And being by myself is such a blessing that I sometimes look forward to.
In fact, because I do lead an extremely social life, I find myself yearning for some time alone. However, whenever I get it, I become restless and confused. But once the confusion dissipates, I embrace loneliness and just stay with it. Because there is absolutely nothing wrong with the choices we make. It's nothing wrong to want to ditch a party for a night in and a glass of wine, nothing wrong with making mistakes because they are the one who turn you into who you are, nothing wrong with not being who everyone else expects you to be.
Somehow, no matter how much I want to just indulge in self pity, the reality is that this is just not going to happen.
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