Autumn smells of irreversible change

I don't know when this summer has gone? I don't even know when September has gone...

All I know is that the air is getting crispy and, should it not rain, it is actually nice and refreshing. I like wearing woolly scarfs and big knits and smell the spicy air that suddenly reminds me of the change in seasons.

I always associate autumn with nostalgia and this season nostalgia is even more poignant. I realised that my life as I knew it until now has gone... Even when I compare my life now with how it looked merely a year ago, I am amazed by how different it is...

I used to take things lightly and lived only for nights out. These days I am worn out, I work a lot more and go out a lot less.

I do less with my week-ends and many of my friends are not accessible anymore.

Last year my family was still the same way I left it, this year we are one member short - my uncle passed away.

Most of the people I know are settling down or going away. I haven't yet managed to settle down nor went away.

I live in a different house than last year, but surprinsingly, I have the same haircut as I had around the same time last year.

I am finding it hard to say goodbye to my old perspective on life, but it seems that I can't fight the change. It is taking over...

Last year I found it difficult to spend a week-end without something to do or somewhere to go. This year I spend most of my free time alone, going to the cinema, window shopping or daydreaming by a mug of cappuccino. Not sure if it's necessarily a good thing, but I am getting accustomed to being by myself most of the time.

Last year I didn't think about Christmas, now I dread it. Unless I'll be home for Christmas, which is a question of snow and airport authorities.

Perhaps I learnt to let go since last year. I learnt to be a bit more patient and let things happen. I also learnt that I can't spend my life complaining.

The only thing that seems to stay the same year after year is the fact that I am by myself. With my only real love in life so far: my books...

(Which reminds me, I had a sad revelation on the tube the other day when I saw an ad for one of the E-books which said: "Think about the book you want to read and read it"... A book that it's only a touch of a button away...Not only that the pleasure of holding a real book might soon become history, but the idea that you can read any book you want at any time, appauls me. Where is the pleasure of going out there and get a book? Searching through the hundreds of used Amazon books and waiting for the postman to bring you the book you so wanted. Or spending hours in Waterstones marvelling at the books that look at you with a life of their own, feeling like a kid in the candy store...)

It smells of wet leafs and Lemsip. But I can't complain. I had a good year.

Perhaps change is not such a bad thing after all.

Remember the forgotten

Forgetting...One of the most merciful qualities of the human being... If we didn't forget, we would carry around millions of images from the past, making us drag through our days distracted by the heaviness of memories.

But what do you do when you are trying to remember. And more importantly, what do you do when you are trying to remember something that you wanted to forget and buried it down in the subconscious? What do you do when you are shovelling through layers of memories and realize that the past almost has a life of its own that is no longer yours...

I woke up in the middle of the night a few nights ago and startled at remembering certain things. I realized then how hard I tried to bury all of them somewhere where nobody can ever find them, especially myself. I wanted to forget and start anew but something always triggers them coming back to life and haunt me. They say we all have certain patterns and by identifying bad habits and avoiding them, we may be able to escape the curse of falling in the same traps over and over again. But scooping back through memories is a hard task especially when youbelieve that no matter what you do, there's no avoidance falling in the same holes. As if it's already been written in your DNA.

Being in denial however, doesn't put a stop to making the same mistakes. I used to be completely oblivious to the implications of bad habits that root from deep inside our beings. When I realized that I had to take trips into the darkness of my own undesired memories, I took a great step towards a possible redemption. But being in the process of identifying the triggers and looking for possible solutions is a scary place to be. I might decide I want to forget all about it...

Walking the line

I don't suppose it's totally abnormal for me to go back and re-read my own old posts. I sometimes lose faith in what I have said in the past and need to refresh my position.
It is certainly not easy to walk the line every single day. It is instead so easy to get distracted from the clear goal of your existence and start believing all those rumours in your head. I know, I do it every day...
I tell myself sometimes that I am not happy when I have absolutely no reason not to be. I also tell myself that I am not smart enough when all it takes is just a bit of concentration. I tell myself some days that I don't look pretty enough when all it takes is a large smile and a bit of make-up. I sometimes believe that I don't like certain people when they haven't actually wronged my in any way. It's all those rumours in my head. It's all those voices I hear everyday and that I chose to listen to.
That's why it's not unusual for me to seek guidance from my own words. I do believe that we are not necessarily the owners of our ideas, but a medium through which they come alive. And it probably takes a certain frequency of thoughts to be able to receive the great ideas and a clean soul to express them as accurately and as beautifully as possible. Perhaps today is one of those days. When I chose to listen to my heart who is kind to me and forgiving. Perhaps it's a cry for help and by expressing it I already find the power to keep walking the straight line. I can only hope to keep forgiving my mistakes, making less of them and adding more inspiration to my stream of thoughts.
If anyone out there finds a bit of good advice in here, then you're not the only ones: I do as well... And I don't even find that strange at all...