For a very long time, I felt that I had so many issues and so much unfinished business with myself that I had to write it down and put it on this blog as a form of possible therapy. These days, I feel that I have made peace with myself in so many ways and somehow this helps my disposition to writing. I think that since I kind of managed to be in control of reality, I may be able to start making fiction...

Nostalgia

This week I started a new job. It is a really lovely place with really lovely people and I feel that my life there will be a very good one. I know I have made the best career decision and I know that since, after just two days, I am hands on with one of my accounts.

Still I can't really explain the tears that just won't stop running down my cheeks, smudging my make-up and blocking my nose to the point of making my breathing close to impossible. I am crying for a very long time and when I think I am ready to stop I remember what made me cry and I start shedding tears all over again.

This is a post I am dedicating to Hogarth, the company I have just left. I can't stop crying because I remember that in this company I was genuinely happy. It is without a doubt the first place in my entire working life where I was truly happy. I did enjoy waking up in the morning, putting on something nice to wear, meticulously applying my make-up and feeling like a million dollars every day while walking down Shaftesbury avenue from High Holborn, sometimes stopping to pick up a cappuccino on my way and walking on air, feeling fabulous. I did enjoy the company of so many wonderful people which I dare to say they are my friends and if there is anything I can do about it, they will stay this way. I did enjoy the feeling I had of looking forward for every single day.

I cry because I am ultimately an extremely social being and Hogarth has provided me with the best social environment and has made me bloom and boost my self confidence and repossessed me with a new thirst for life and love for people.

Yes, I cry. I cry because it finally kicks in that it is now over and I can never turn back the time. I cry because I am fully aware of my decision of accepting to go somewhere else and I stand by my decision, but I guess that I need to mourn a bit over what were the most happy 10 months of my working life and I guess it is not as easy to let go of memories as I thought. I am human after all and still amazed by how time is something that just keeps on running and sometimes it leaves scars. Or really wonderful memories...

Here comes the next chapter

It came sooner than I thought, sooner than I even planned. After only nine months in my curent job, I have received another job offer and before I knew it, I was saying goodbye to all the lovely people I had the blessing of working with and making it all official, I realized there was no turning back. Not that I wanted to turn back but an ending chaper always requires a moment to take it all in, a few embarassing tears and that split second thought of, what if I am no doing the right thing. Somehow I trust my lucky star that no matter what I am doing the right thing. Not even once I had taken a job regretting it afterwards, nor did any of my jobs represented anything else than a step forward.
I gave myself a few days in between to get my mind set for the new chapter and after serious debating with myself I reached a serious and very important conclusion: instead of running away as I always do whenever I have a few days off, I decided to stay in London and come sunshine or rain, make the absolute most of my time before starting the new job. I am pleased with my resolution and I am pleased with my mind set. It all kicked off today with a pub crawl in Camden under pouring rain, which, believe it or not, was a fun thing to do and, despite me being completely soaked, I did have a wonderful time and still got home before midnight. In normal circumstances I'd find this pretty depressing, but it certainly looks like a new and improved version of myself is getting ready to write the next chapter. Bring it on!

The Nature speaks

Eyjafjallajokull sounds like a Scandinavian deity. Actually I have no idea how it sounds like but they way it's written makes me think of a God with mad eyebrows and a scary frown. The famous Icelandic volcano that put a stop to flying in the last few days makes me think of how sometimes Nature decides to show us who is really in charge on this planet.
We forget that flying planes is a luxury that allows millions of travellers to wander around the world and take over. Planes are to blame for the herds of post-hippie wannabe travellers that I so loathe, planes make globalisation possible and have brought the world into the crazed pace that has finally been stopped if only for a few days. I feel sorry for all the people stranded somewehere in the world, maybe in a place they want to leave behind as soon as possible or maybe in a place where they had a wonderful time but is no longer welcoming. Everyone is trying to get somewhere simply because it is possible. If flying wasn't an option I wonder if we didn't prioritize our lives differently, if we tought it would be that easy to leave everything behind and just leave somewhere, anywhere...
The way the world is structured today it makes it impossible to live without planes, internet and mobile phones. It makes you wonder what would really happen if we didn't have them anymore. Would we still manage, would we be more creative, more attentive to the world around us? It may be that it is all about the journey and not the destination...

The real New Me

I find myself in a New ME. I don't know when it exactly happened and I don't know why but all I can think about is that I am most grateful that I have finally put on the methaporical clothes of the New ME.

It is a New ME, but it's the newest of them all. I've had many New MEs especially lately and each and every one of them added new layers of good to my aura and scrapped away little by little the residues of sadness, shame, cowardice, disappointment, tears, fear and insecurity. Every New Me smoothed the path to the Newest ME, the one I am today.

The ME I am today suddenly feels that she no longer has needs and expectations from other people or from the outside world, but she makes things happen. She finally understands that unless she knows herself and accepts herself with all the wonderful things that are within, along with all the shameful and regrettable things that belong to her as well, she will never be able to truly love and enjoy life. She feels full of forgiveness and understanding. She feels sure of what she knows and no longer afraid. She knows that life is purely what you make of it and she wants to make it a blessing. She wakes up in the morning being grateful for her health and her luck and walks away thinking of how to make things better.

The New ME is no longer suffering and sees things with an incredible clarity. She is not afraid of not meeting the right person because she is perfectly equipped with recognizing him. The New Me is happy with the little things in life and trusts that her destiny will be fulfilled at the right time and knows that things in life sooner or later fall into place. I like the New ME.

Looking for the exotic

The famous "Beach". When I saw this movie back when it was first released, I didn't even dream there will be a day I'd actually be stepping with my own feet on that white sand and actually be in that exotic world that seemed as far away as if almost on another planet.

But truth be told, the exotic IS on another planet.The Exotic has always represented that romantic dream of the "civilised" yearning for that land that is not only different than anything else, but perhaps bearing secrets the same way Fantasia did in "Neverending Story" or helping people discover things about themselves they never knew they existed. The Exotic is that place (sometimes I ever wonder if it's real or just the fruit of our imagination) that puts us in touch with our divine core and make us think things that make everything suddenly feel real and wholesome.

I saw "The Beach" for the 5th or 6th time last night. I watched it after coming back from Thailand first time two years ago and I have seen it now again. I have been looking over and over again at the holidays photos and now I feel compelled to see movies like "The Beach" to keep the exotic alive.

I am stepping on concrete sidewalks and breathing the fumes of the passing by cars, while trying to remember the sensation of the sand on my bare feet and the salty smell of the hot air caressing a skin that's never been happier. I am wearing high heels and fashion seems as useless as a paper hat under pouring rain. I am trying to find ways to keep myself happy in an urban world, but all I am thinking about is how to get away and reach the Exotic.

The more I think about, the more it feels like I am an amateur esoteric reader trying to find the philosophical stone that even the wisest of alchemists weren't able to grasp. I think of a world where nature is pure and unspoilt and the herds of stupid travellers don't exist, but the reality is that countries that posses the Exotic must survive by allowing these herds into spoiling the magic of it... I dream of a world where I can go and feel complete and free and new, but the reality is I will be exactly the same wherever I will find myself in this world and I MUST keep myself as happy as I can possibly be in the absence of the Exotic, even if by this I will have to pretend I live in a different place, even if I must construct my own Exotic bubble and walk the concrete sidewalks wearing a thai jasmin scented aura while remembering that superb feeling that took me over while passing my bare feet through the whitest sand I've ever seen...

Sunset on the sea

Two weeks ago I was lying on one of the very civilised chaise-longues on Kata Beach in Phuket when I decided to lie there a little bit longer and watch the sun set. It was still weird watching the sun set at 6pm...
I read a few pages of my book and suddenly I saw it all happening. The sea was particularly restless that day, wavy and unsettled, singing its ever admirable song while caressing the sand. I found myself dumbfound while looking at the flaming disk attempting to approach the sea with an impossible slowness. I concentrated all my senses to carve that moment in my memory forever: I tried to look intensley at the falling sun, listen to the humming of the sea and the birds chirping in the background, smell the salty air and try to figure out why I had tears in my eyes.
I had tears in my eyes because I suddenly felt inundated by a deep happines that came from inside my being, from a place I didn't even know it existed, and realized that the most magnificent things in life are free.
There was a mixture of pure happiness and difuse sadness as I still heard a voice at the back of my mind reminding me that I was going to go back to London and not be able to enjoy a little something like a glorious sunset on the sea...

Bangkok

I came back into Bangkok armed with patience and the knowledge of someone who's already been tricked. I was going to spend two days in Bangkok and give it another chance. I owed it to myself.
It turned out to be quite a smooth and pleasant experience. Not only I managed to avoid all the taxi touts at the airport and made my way one level down to public taxis, but the hotel where we were staying was nice and located on probably the nicest street in Bagkok - Rambuttri Street, just a few minutes away from the noisy Kao San Road.
Although I still didn't manage to see the "Big Budha" this time around either, I did enjoy a nice boat trip down the Chao Praya river an its canals, went around the Temple of Dawn and actually managed to fall in love with the city as it was, noisy, crazy, hot and somehow still very friendly. This time around I managed not to fall sick at the orgy of smells invading the streets and actually had a pad thai from a street vendor. Would I go back to Bangkok? It is definitely a city of hidden treasures which I can't even dream of having uncovered...

Post-Thailand / Pre-Easter thoughts

I wondered for a while why it took me so long to write it all down. I guess I needed a few days to shake off the jet lag, get sadly reacquainted with the famous British weather and generally give myself some time to understand the kind of revelations the Thailand trip has offered me this time.

There were a lot of thoughts going through my head every day while I was out there and I even managed to write some of them down on a notebook I was carrying with me, but right now I don't wish to go into details (this will probably be discussed in a separate post). What I really want to communicate is that I returned from my trip "enlightened", liberated, wise ( for real this time) and with a clear mind set.

I owe some of this to the conversations I've had with Kendra. A lot of personal issues have been resolved either side and a lot I have learned while trekking through Chiang Mai forests, sleeping in a village with no electricity but items for sale, riding on the back of an elephant or kaiaking on the calm Andaman Sea under a red setting sun. I have asked myself a lot of questions and prayed for help to find the answers and maybe because it's Easter or maybe because it is simply the right time, but I feel that so many of these questions have found an answer already or at least it feels like I know which way to go to find them.

New Approach to Life

I think that the new approach to life I was talking about on one of my Facebook statuses hit me like a falling star right in the head today while on the phone with my Mum, trying to convince her that I didn't know how the rest of my life was going to look like and that I needed some sort of something to call my own now before I completely lost myself and my mind...
It struck me! It struck me that this may have been my problem all along. That I have been picturing my life somehow taking the shape of a fairytale sooner or later, that I have always believed that one day I will meet my soulmate and that we will be happy ever after, that we will buy a home, and make babies, and travel, and do all the things families are supposed to do with other families, barbecues, dinners with friends, celebrate Christmas and Easter and Valentines Day and all those cheesy things that two people are supposed to share and make their own. In reality, who is there to guarantee me all that? On what sort of solid evidence do I base my expectations? Today I realized that I base all that on void and that I may actually end up alone...
For the first time in my life I looked Fate in the eyes and instead of falling apart with grief that all my dreams may never become true, I felt a huge relief. Some sort of inner peace took over me and I was finally able to let go of that self induced pressure I have been inflicting on myself all these years. I am not talking about ultimate surrender but essentially about the acceptance of a quite possible scenario. Instead of tormenting myself over when I will find that phantomatic soul mate (that I am probably just imagining) and finally start living, I can choose to look at my life and think: how can I make the most of it with what I have right now? I know some people will tell me that this is how they have been telling me to look at life, with no expectations, but let's be honest, as cynical as they want us to think they are, deep down, they crave for the same things as the rest of us.
I will have to look at my life as if I only have a few basic ingredients to make a consistent meal out of and really evaluate my chances to happiness if I were to spend the rest of my life alone. Right now, I wish I can find a solution to spend more time with the only person in this world that would give her own life for me, my Mother, to have a child (I am considering adoption), to have a home (this will be a tricky one, but I am sure I can find a way somehow) and really enjoy every day the way it is given to me without accusing myself anymore for having failed my own expectations, without scolding myself anymore for having made mistakes, without expecting something that may never happen... At least now I know what is my new approach to life and I didn't yet have to go far away to find it. It has been within me all along. I just had to listen to that feeble voice inside.

For all you wonderful women out there!

8th of March - International Women's Day...

"International Women's Day (IWD) was honoured the first time in Austria, Denmark, Germany and Switzerland on 19 March 1911. More than one million women and men attended IWD rallies campaigning for women's rights to work, vote, be trained, to hold public office and end discrimination.
...
IWD is now an official holiday in China, Armenia, Russia, Azerbaijan, Belarus, Bulgaria, Kazakhstan, Kyrgyzstan, Macedonia, Moldova, Mongolia, Tajikistan, Ukraine, Uzbekistan and Vietnam." (Source www.internationalwomensday.com)

In Romania, 8th of March is also the unofficial Mother's day (most of the European Countries have a designated Mother's Day, but we seem to have failed to absorb this particular holiday). No longer a celebration of women's rights and power, 8th of March is nowadays more a celebration of femininity (if we can call it this way) when women expect flowers from their partners and some sort of manifestation of appreciation...

Sadly, this day (along with many other Romanian celebrations) means nothing to me anymore and I would have probably not mentioned it if somehow I didn't stop to observ how many wonderful women I know that have really not much to celebrate at all on 8th of March or any other day.

Needless to mention that I am part of this fabulous group of women, however I feel compelled to think about a few friends who have reached a certain age at the same time with me and who, as well as myself, have failed to fulfill their feminine nature: did not yet establish a family (nor even a partner/husband at least), go to the same job every day constantly wondering what is it that still keeps them going, don't have a home of their own, are beautiful, smart, cultured, funny, cynical and possibly hopeless, wonderful and magnificent as only women know how to be.

It is true that the opression of women having to start a family at a very young age, work day and night to care and provide for the family, live without affection from the little too fond of drinking husband, not looking after themselves, not knowing who they really were are far gone now. And we women of today do appreciate all that the mondern world is now offering... It only seems thought that essentially not much has changed... Today, having a family is harder that flying to the moon, finding a husband more difficult that performing brain surgery, afford a house as a single person (by the way, is it just me or society has not been made for single people?) more complicated that engineering it, having a say in the world as a single voice, more challenging than communicating through telepathy.

I am not going to say I hold any answers, or that I found the secret to successful living because I am comfronted with the same fears everyday myself. All I can say is congratulations to all of you wonderful women out there who put on a dress, and make up and a pair of heels every day and keep on walking, though the road is bumpier than any of us thought at first, when we all thought we had it all figured out, when we all thought we had it all planned and somehow the plan just didn't work out...
Keep on walking!

Funny how each day has its own destiny. Some days you wake up and you know you have a miserable journey ahead and some days you just know it's going to be glorious. It's as if life is being staged following a gigantic script and you're only an actor that must perform. You simply act and react to a cumulus of stimuli and you end up being amazed by how things unwind right in front of you.
Today I had a good day. The type of day when you feel fully awake, aware of your surroundings, like a scout on the look out, ready to react and make things happen. There is some sort of energy that it had been lent to you and you must try and make the most of it. And you do. Today I had one of those days and I wanted to make the most of it to the very end. And I did, and it will be a day that I will always remember as a benchmarking for the days when I will be asleep and will want to be awake as I am now even if it is almost midnight.
It hasn't rained all day until the evening when suddenly water started pouring down the city as if there were too many sins that needed to be washed away. People looked afraid of venturing out in the rain even under umbrellas, but I opened mine and started walking tall. Even in the rain, with my face half obscured by the umbrella, I would look at men passing by and give them an outrageously flirtatious look because I felt I could do it. I passed a guy and a girl each holding a newspaper above their heads and trying to hide next to a building. I could see his face, but the girl was totally buried under the wet pile of today's news and she looked like she wasn't having a good day. I looked at him and smiled, he smiled back. I had a thought right there and then: just because I was having a good day, he probably could find me seductive, but if he only knew how close to despair I was just a few days ago, he wouldn't even see me passing by. Or is it the other way around? Perhaps when we feel good, we spend more time over ourselves, being completely aware of our presence and somehow sending out signals to everyone else around. Or is it that when we are particularly interested in looking around, we notice people noticing us... One will never really know.

Nobody's wife

She waited in the cold for the bus for a very long time. Started to wonder if the bus was ever going to come. Came to realize that saving £40 a month by using just buses wasn't such a good deal as she was wasting a lot of time. Pfff! What else would she do with her time though?...
The bus finally came and she went upstairs, found a seat and just blankly stared outside the window. Didn't feel like reading. Not tonight. The pain in the lower back was becoming more and more intrusive and the rain was pouring more and more agressively, furiously licking the bus windows. She tried to avoid thinking about it. Rain was becoming like the song that one hears so many times that it is not audible any longer. The only thing that made her aware of the rain was the fact that she was carrying a wet umbrella and a constant state of depression.
She had thought many times of what could be the cure for depression as sun wasn't something a Londoner could rely on and the only answer was someone in her life. Following some unwritten rules of society she had avoided thinking, expressing or admitting the fact that life was no longer worth living alone. Or maybe it was the society itself which was not designed for single people. Everything was achieavable as a couple, singles had to fight twice as hard. They even counted less in credit scoring calculations. Pfff!
Suddenly she found herself wanting to caress the man seated in front of her. He had dark blond short hair and quite an adorable pair of ears. She couldn't see his face but could easily spot the big bouquet of flowers he was holding with care. She felt as if her hands reached out and started to touch his head gently, and then she would move the tips of her fingers on the margins of his ears and... And if only she could release all that love she was holding inside even if she had to hand it in fully to a total stranger with an unknown face. She remembered how once she had caressed a guy's face and enjoyed that more than the actual sensual kissing they were comitting together. What a waste, she thought. What a waste. One day she'll burst and die... With nobody to give her love to...
The lower back pain moved mischiviously up the spine and settled in the muscles of her shoulders. At least the physical pain was taking all the attention. The silent heartache was there to last and she could get back to it later. For now, she'll have to go home, take a hot bath and try to massage her shoulder muscles (or at least the ones she could reach by herself) with some anti-inflamatory cream. And hope she won't be woken up again in the middle of the night by the loudness of her loneliness. The rain keept on pouring and the night seemed blacker and blacker. People's faces bore no expression. The end of another day.

Time is (not) on my side...

Sambata seara am fost la O2 Arena la mult asteptatul concert Depeche Mode. M-am multumit ca am prins bilete la general release cu 35 de lire, desi locurile nimerite erau cocotate in fundul salii la altitudine datatoare de vertigo. In timpul concertului nu am facut decat sa ma gandesc la ce impact a avut asupra mea sa-i vad in urma cu 4 ani la Wembley si la cat de putin eram acum implicata... Nu erau cu siguranta doar locurile situate mult mai aproape de scena in 2006 (pentru care am platit atunci fara sa clipesc 75 de lire), albumul mai bun sau calitatea sunetului. Era cu mult mai mult. Era febra de a fi la un concert de asemenea valoare emotionala, era infatuarea, erau fanteziile pe care le aveam pe atunci cu Dave Gahan, eram o alta eu care traia momentul cu intensitate. De atunci a trecut mult timp si intre timp eu am devenit altcineva. Recent am fost la un concert The Editors si am constatat ca de-abia asteptam sa se temine deoarece mintea mea era preocupata de alte subiecte. Ma simt in ultima vreme de parca gonesc catre ceva si nu mai sunt capabila sa traiesc momentul fiindca stiu ca momentului ii lipseste foarte tare ceva.

Timpul. Timpul slefuieste si toceste in acelasi timp, timpul e o entitate controversata, datatoare de paradoxuri. Timpul finiseaza gusturile, opiniile, dar limiteaza placerile, imbogateste experienta, dar si cliseizeaza, timpul erodeaza corpul si ascute mintea.

Notiuni care pareau definitive, acum nu mai au aceeasi greutate. Pareri ce pareau de neclintit, pot fi acum contestate. Sperantele nutrite si visruile conturate, devin acum nulitate. Timpul aduce cu sine o liniste care nu vine din intelepciune, ci din constiinta esecului si acceptarea ratarii...

Concertele nu mai sunt o placere. Iesirile nu mai sunt o surpriza. Intalnirile nu mai constituie o emotie. Stilul nu isi mai are rostul. Efortul nu se mai traduce prin satisfactie. In final, in viata nu avem decat scopul primar de a asigura supravietuirea speciei si fara capacitatea de a-l indeplini, nu suntem decat insule plutitoare si perisabile. Timpul. Trece in timp ce scriu.

A serious case of bad Monday

I open my eyes in the morning and I instinctively know it's going to be a dragging day. I know I will get out of bed, brush my teeth, have a shower, get into the clothes I prepared from last night, apply some make-up and drag myself to work with what it seems to be the last drop of energy I have left in me.
I know I won't do it straight away, but will linger a bit more between the sheets and will eventually erect myself knowing that if I spend one more minute in bed I will be late to work beyond the expected reasonable time. I also know that it is raining outside and it will be one of those London days when rain make good friends with a cold wind and I know that I will be cold no matter which one of my many coats I decide to wear.
I know I will get into work, open my Mac and while it loads all the settings I will go into the tiny kitchen, boil some water and make myself a coffee with the absolute knowledge that coffee will not wake me up. I know my work mates will ask me if I had a nice week-end and today I will actually say that I had a crappy week-end and won't make the slightest effort to be nice. I know I will be cold in the office as it is always so on a Monday but I also know this time I won't care as I can't be bothered anymore to demand/hope/expect.
I know that today is going to be the day when I have given up fighting, opposing. I know that all the positive thinking in the world is not going to change the fact that I am painfully lonely and that the neon lights in the office hurts my eyes. I know that tonight I will come back to a cold room with an empty heart.
I know that the more I fight it, the less it is going to give in so I finally get out of my bed sheets and go to the bathroom while emptying my head of any thoughts and preparing to take in the Monday waiting in front of me. I know.