I think that the new approach to life I was talking about on one of my Facebook statuses hit me like a falling star right in the head today while on the phone with my Mum, trying to convince her that I didn't know how the rest of my life was going to look like and that I needed some sort of something to call my own now before I completely lost myself and my mind...
It struck me! It struck me that this may have been my problem all along. That I have been picturing my life somehow taking the shape of a fairytale sooner or later, that I have always believed that one day I will meet my soulmate and that we will be happy ever after, that we will buy a home, and make babies, and travel, and do all the things families are supposed to do with other families, barbecues, dinners with friends, celebrate Christmas and Easter and Valentines Day and all those cheesy things that two people are supposed to share and make their own. In reality, who is there to guarantee me all that? On what sort of solid evidence do I base my expectations? Today I realized that I base all that on void and that I may actually end up alone...
For the first time in my life I looked Fate in the eyes and instead of falling apart with grief that all my dreams may never become true, I felt a huge relief. Some sort of inner peace took over me and I was finally able to let go of that self induced pressure I have been inflicting on myself all these years. I am not talking about ultimate surrender but essentially about the acceptance of a quite possible scenario. Instead of tormenting myself over when I will find that phantomatic soul mate (that I am probably just imagining) and finally start living, I can choose to look at my life and think: how can I make the most of it with what I have right now? I know some people will tell me that this is how they have been telling me to look at life, with no expectations, but let's be honest, as cynical as they want us to think they are, deep down, they crave for the same things as the rest of us.
I will have to look at my life as if I only have a few basic ingredients to make a consistent meal out of and really evaluate my chances to happiness if I were to spend the rest of my life alone. Right now, I wish I can find a solution to spend more time with the only person in this world that would give her own life for me, my Mother, to have a child (I am considering adoption), to have a home (this will be a tricky one, but I am sure I can find a way somehow) and really enjoy every day the way it is given to me without accusing myself anymore for having failed my own expectations, without scolding myself anymore for having made mistakes, without expecting something that may never happen... At least now I know what is my new approach to life and I didn't yet have to go far away to find it. It has been within me all along. I just had to listen to that feeble voice inside.
Wednesday, 10 March 2010
Tuesday, 9 March 2010
For all you wonderful women out there!
8th of March - International Women's Day...
"International Women's Day (IWD) was honoured the first time in Austria, Denmark, Germany and Switzerland on 19 March 1911. More than one million women and men attended IWD rallies campaigning for women's rights to work, vote, be trained, to hold public office and end discrimination.
...
IWD is now an official holiday in China, Armenia, Russia, Azerbaijan, Belarus, Bulgaria, Kazakhstan, Kyrgyzstan, Macedonia, Moldova, Mongolia, Tajikistan, Ukraine, Uzbekistan and Vietnam." (Source www.internationalwomensday.com)
In Romania, 8th of March is also the unofficial Mother's day (most of the European Countries have a designated Mother's Day, but we seem to have failed to absorb this particular holiday). No longer a celebration of women's rights and power, 8th of March is nowadays more a celebration of femininity (if we can call it this way) when women expect flowers from their partners and some sort of manifestation of appreciation...
Sadly, this day (along with many other Romanian celebrations) means nothing to me anymore and I would have probably not mentioned it if somehow I didn't stop to observ how many wonderful women I know that have really not much to celebrate at all on 8th of March or any other day.
Needless to mention that I am part of this fabulous group of women, however I feel compelled to think about a few friends who have reached a certain age at the same time with me and who, as well as myself, have failed to fulfill their feminine nature: did not yet establish a family (nor even a partner/husband at least), go to the same job every day constantly wondering what is it that still keeps them going, don't have a home of their own, are beautiful, smart, cultured, funny, cynical and possibly hopeless, wonderful and magnificent as only women know how to be.
It is true that the opression of women having to start a family at a very young age, work day and night to care and provide for the family, live without affection from the little too fond of drinking husband, not looking after themselves, not knowing who they really were are far gone now. And we women of today do appreciate all that the mondern world is now offering... It only seems thought that essentially not much has changed... Today, having a family is harder that flying to the moon, finding a husband more difficult that performing brain surgery, afford a house as a single person (by the way, is it just me or society has not been made for single people?) more complicated that engineering it, having a say in the world as a single voice, more challenging than communicating through telepathy.
I am not going to say I hold any answers, or that I found the secret to successful living because I am comfronted with the same fears everyday myself. All I can say is congratulations to all of you wonderful women out there who put on a dress, and make up and a pair of heels every day and keep on walking, though the road is bumpier than any of us thought at first, when we all thought we had it all figured out, when we all thought we had it all planned and somehow the plan just didn't work out...
Keep on walking!
"International Women's Day (IWD) was honoured the first time in Austria, Denmark, Germany and Switzerland on 19 March 1911. More than one million women and men attended IWD rallies campaigning for women's rights to work, vote, be trained, to hold public office and end discrimination.
...
IWD is now an official holiday in China, Armenia, Russia, Azerbaijan, Belarus, Bulgaria, Kazakhstan, Kyrgyzstan, Macedonia, Moldova, Mongolia, Tajikistan, Ukraine, Uzbekistan and Vietnam." (Source www.internationalwomensday.com)
In Romania, 8th of March is also the unofficial Mother's day (most of the European Countries have a designated Mother's Day, but we seem to have failed to absorb this particular holiday). No longer a celebration of women's rights and power, 8th of March is nowadays more a celebration of femininity (if we can call it this way) when women expect flowers from their partners and some sort of manifestation of appreciation...
Sadly, this day (along with many other Romanian celebrations) means nothing to me anymore and I would have probably not mentioned it if somehow I didn't stop to observ how many wonderful women I know that have really not much to celebrate at all on 8th of March or any other day.
Needless to mention that I am part of this fabulous group of women, however I feel compelled to think about a few friends who have reached a certain age at the same time with me and who, as well as myself, have failed to fulfill their feminine nature: did not yet establish a family (nor even a partner/husband at least), go to the same job every day constantly wondering what is it that still keeps them going, don't have a home of their own, are beautiful, smart, cultured, funny, cynical and possibly hopeless, wonderful and magnificent as only women know how to be.
It is true that the opression of women having to start a family at a very young age, work day and night to care and provide for the family, live without affection from the little too fond of drinking husband, not looking after themselves, not knowing who they really were are far gone now. And we women of today do appreciate all that the mondern world is now offering... It only seems thought that essentially not much has changed... Today, having a family is harder that flying to the moon, finding a husband more difficult that performing brain surgery, afford a house as a single person (by the way, is it just me or society has not been made for single people?) more complicated that engineering it, having a say in the world as a single voice, more challenging than communicating through telepathy.
I am not going to say I hold any answers, or that I found the secret to successful living because I am comfronted with the same fears everyday myself. All I can say is congratulations to all of you wonderful women out there who put on a dress, and make up and a pair of heels every day and keep on walking, though the road is bumpier than any of us thought at first, when we all thought we had it all figured out, when we all thought we had it all planned and somehow the plan just didn't work out...
Keep on walking!
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