The simple things

Sometimes it really doesn't matter that it's cold and grey. Sometimes, you just become present and aware of the beautiful everyday surroundings. I am a bit disappointed that I fail to see that more often...

On Valentines Day I went to a comedy gig, left slightly early and made my usual way down from Charing Cross to Embankment when I suddenly felt elated. I felt an eerie sort of happiness which I didn't know where it was coming from. But I knew: it was the beloved walk towards Embankment Tube at night. I realised I love this walk... As I was passing an Italian restaurant I remembered the dinner I had there with my friend Liluna when she came visiting last year, the pub where I had drinks with my friend Michael on a cold winter Friday a year ago, the tea at Starbucks with Aga, the really bad date which took place at Gordon's Wine bar and the park just on the left hand side where I brough Mum last summer.

And above all, a pink lit London Eye and the sound of music...'These are a few of my favourite things' Julie Andrews would sing in the 'Sound of Music' and suddenly I could hear it in a saxophone version coming from a street performer outside the tube entrance. It felt so right, so appropriate, so magic. Determined, I reached for my purse, took out all the change I had there and dropped it into his saxophone case. Silently, I made my way inside the tube station singing in my heard 'These are a few of my favourite things' all the way home...

Happy Valentine's Day!

Believe it or not, my friends, I don't care it's Valentine's Day today. Not in a 'I say I don't care but I'm actually  slightly angry I'm alone again' kind of way, but in a more 'I don't care because I am ok with being alone and don't feel like celebrating anything other than hey just another great day of my fabulous life!' kind of way.

The origins of today's day have something to do with a martyr called Valentine who died for his religious convictions, therefore not for an actual demoiselle who may or may not have stolen his heart. It seems that some people around the 14th century decided to set-up a tradition of associating this particular day with romantic love. Hence it is a purely fabricated celebration with no real 'romatic love' origin, except for one man's love for God or religion.

Nothing wrong with celebrating love, I say. But stop telling us we have to buy heart shaped trinkets and give them to The One we love or feel really depressed about not having  The One to love in our lives!

But despite being the marketing monster of today (following closely behind the Christmas money making machine, currently the market leader!), Valentine's day is indeed another beautiful day of our lives. So this year I decided to embrace it rather than hate it!  I decided today I wil be cheerful and happy and I pledge to love myself and give myself the gift of love to show I care.

A very cold February

Source: www.theexperiemntoflife.blogspot.com

February it's been the coldest month of the winter so far. London's even seen some snow and as always lovers and haters of snow have been arguing about whether snow it's good or bad. I don't really care. I don't really care about the cold outside either because I finally learned to wrap up and keep the cold at bay. I also spend a lot of time indoors and when I do have to go out, it's simply painful...

I wonder why I do it though. It's almost like trying constantly to fill a void in my life, I am out doing things, meeting people, getting mentally exhausted. It almost feels like I should feel guilty about the time spent doing nothing. And the more I try filling my time with 'useful' activities, the more I want to stop doing them and just plainly do nothing. It's an interesting dilema I am going through this cold February... To do or not to do?...

I guess the answer is limiting myself to doing only one thing at the time and just to the important things in life. It almost feels I am chasing too many things, I am trying to improve too many aspects of my life all of the sudden and I am growing increasingly tired. My heart is getting cold and I just want some sunshine and a bit of slack from myself...

Giving in to January

January is named after the god Janus, who is usually depicted with two faces looking in opposite directions – one into the future and one into the past. This unique viewpoint makes January a great time for learning lessons from your past and applying them to the future (The Independent).

So here I am looking forth and looking back... With a little bit less confusion than in previous years but confused nevertheless...

Not sure what exactly is the problem with January but I feel like I've been poisoined: with ill humour, bad temper, annoyance, loneliness (oh, loneliness, old friend, you found me again!), insomnia, tiredness, depression (could it be?),  boredom...

I'm asking myself again the questions: why am I alone, am I in the right career, what do I really want out of life, where is this all going, why, when, what for, why not??

All these questions. I feel like I have to find an answer right here and right now, make decisions, change things, do, don't do,  punish myself, push myself!... Just to end up exhausted and more confused.

It's not the first January I have to go through. Yeah, they're terrible little bastards: cold, miserable, skint, dark.
And because I've been through it before, I always try to avoid feeling like I'm feeling now and yet every year I end up in the same place. Because maybe that's the point of January. You can't be looking back and looking forth without a bit of a headache, I suppose. It's gotta be done! Just accept it, don't struggle, lie around if you must, watch soapy films, eat frozen pizza, get a bit annoyed, feel a tiny wee miserable and then get it over with! As long as you accept it for what it is and don't try to get all the resolutions sorted within the first month (like myself: joined tango course, joined Portuguese course, sorted out ski trip, planning Argentina trip, sorting out my papers for permanent residency, training for half-marathon etc etc) then it's going to be ok. Not everything has to be achieved straight away.

I've got a whole year ahead of me and I've survived many Januaries before. It will be spring before we know it! 

2012

 

2012 is the year of the Dragon, according to the Chinese Zodiac.  I'm sure I wasn't the only one who wake up in the dawn of 2012 and felt happy, as if a really good year was ahead of us. Whether that's true or just an illusion, we are yet to see, but generally speaking we live what we feel, so I am sure it will be a good year. After all, the Dragon is the ultimate auspicious symbol signifying success and happiness. London's going to be an even more special place as this year the much awaited Olympic Games are taking place and many more celebrations and opportunities to declare 2012 a truly great year!

It is also my 32nd year of life on this planet.  And what a ride these 32 years have been. I kind of lost the appeal to celebrate my birthday by getting drunk and trying to make a big deal out of it, instead trying harder to be grateful that another year has passed and I am still alive, healthy and happy and surrounded by good friends. But in all honesty, being in my early thirties is the best thing ever. A survey conducted on 1,500 British women, found that 38 per cent who said they felt most attractive in their early thirties attributed it to the confidence gained from experience, an active love life and eating and drinking sensibly*. Which thakes me to the subject of setting up objectives for this year, but not before looking back at 2011.

They say a great method of progressing is by looking at previous year's achievments and failures. 

In terms of achievements I think one of the most important one is the charity trekking that I completed in Ethiopia at the beginning of the year. And as much as the trekking was a physical challenge, even more exausting and at the same time rewarding was the fundraising part. Why this has been important to me? Because I have never done anything of the sort and by achieving my target I set up new standards of self esteem, which helped me progress through the year. Also because it was ten times harder to achieve £3000 without a corporate sponsorship and I owe it to all my friends who made it possible. Another success to note: the quality of all the people in my live! 

2011 was also a good year professionally. For the first time in a very long time I am in a place where I feel like I can stick around. I was beginning to worry that there was something wrong with me by wanting to change jobs all the time. Phew, it wasn't! But another lesson has been learned in the process: it takes two to tango. No matter how good a team and management you may have, it takes a bit of effort from yourself too to make things work best. And the other way around. Anyway, I consider myself lucky to be in a good place right now! So there, another tick!

I am also pleased I made an effort into filling up my free time with useful things, such as the Styling Course I am about to complete. 

 2011 was also the beginning of a healthier lifestyle. Since from about September (following the most severe hangover of my existence), I took working out seriously and it has now became an imbedded part of my life. This new commitment brought in a serious decrease in smoking (I am now oficcialy a social smoker only!) and moderation in drinking. I still do have a big night once in a while but far more seldom than in the past. And not only that I feel healthier, but, in my humble opinion, my looks have also improved and I can't imagine my life now without a toned body. And yes, now I can do press-ups. About 15 of them if I really try.

And since you're all wondering I'm sure, yes, my lovelife has also taken a step upwards by stagnating a bit in 2011. Because it really needed a break! And a slap on the back! Now it may be allowed to get out of confinement. If it behaves. that is. I spent most of 2011 making small mistakes and adjusting course along the way, not punishing myself for them anymore, loving myself more than before and valuing myself for the real qualities that I have, have always been there, but I was too blind to see, by enjoying my solitude, making the most of it and not complaining anymore! Because I finally understood every stage in life is precious and it should be enjoyed!

To be honest, 2011 has indeed been a great year for me (much unlike 2010 which was a tad bitter). So I found it rather hard to see failures. There were of course of few. Such as falling out with people in a nasty way and not being able to let go very easily. Or getting upset more than necessary about little things. Or not having put that much effort into things as I should have done. Or not having been in touch a bit more with people. Or having been too judgemental sometimes... But these are all good learnings, which I am planning to implement in 2012.

So here it is, a small list of what I want to achieve this year:

• Health plans: stick to my gym routine and add at least one challenge: I am thinking about a half marathon. Go to at least one surf and one ski trip this year, do more climbing, take tango lessons. 
• Career: keep progressing at work, get more involved, add more value, improve as a professional, but also start doing something with my styling as a free time activity.
• Culture: make a point of doing at least one significant cultural thing a month and go to the Opera at least once every three months.
• Learn a new language: I've decided it will be Portuguese!
• Writing: so I can get my writing to take off, this year I must attend more writers' meetings and participate to a couple of short stories competitions. I also can announce that a character has been born in 2012 and she is a mix between Bridget Jones and Lisbeth Salander. Watch this space!
• Personal development: stop judging others and jump to conclusions, be more tolerant, love more people, spend money more wisely, give back to society, be happy most of the days.
• Love: just give it without expecting anything in return.  One day it will come back to me...
• Travelling: this year I have two destinationsin mind: USA and Argentina. I am fantasising about a Thelma and Louise road trip through America (or at least a long week-end to New York and another one to Vegas to start with) and a week of tango-ing my way through Buenos Aires!

And that should be more than a handful! :)

Peace and love in 2012 everyone!

*Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1128596/A-beautiful-age-Many-women-feel-attractive-early-30s-study-reveals.html#ixzz1irtqdbBR

What if I just skipped Christmas?...

What if you can just say to everyone: 'Sorry, there'll be no Christmas cards from me this year, I won't buy any presents, I won't be putting up a Christmas tree and I won't spend Christmas Day with my family eating myself to death, so please just skip me this year!' True, you may miss on the office Christmas party but there'll be other occasions to drink like a fish and make a fool of yourself in front of Jane from HR and Tom from Finance by calling them 'lesbians'. Sure, everyone will think you've gone crazy and try and talk you out of it but only if you stand by your decision, maybe you can feel liberated by the fact that you don't have to become a victim of the Christmas season and follow all the other zombies sweating around Topshop in search for a present for your teeange cousin who you haven't seen since she was in diapers...

Ok, maybe I'm a bit harsh. After all I do have a family who I love spending Christmas with and I do love making a fool of myself at the office Christmas party. I also do like the lights on Oxford Street (though this year they are a bit disappointing - I mean umbrellas? really? what's that got to do with Christmas?...) and man I do like a nice Christmas turkey (or pork, if I'm in Romania, for that matter!). But what I hate about it is that Christmas has become an almost unbearable marketing pressure. To wear the best outfit, to buy the best presents, to get the perfect roast, the loveliest decorations, the best tree, the most prestigious looking Christmas cards, a boyfriend to visit eachother's families with etc etc. 


I don't remember when I stopped liking Christmas. Maybe during the only year my dad brought home a real Christmas tree and we decorated it like all the other families do. Because after that year I felt we ought to have Christmas like everyone else. Only it never happened again. My parents got divorced, we moved away, I grew up, left my country, spent many Christmases away from home, some of them working, some of them just alone in a London which gets eerily quiet on Christmas Day... I guess I spent too many Christmases that didn't match the marketing picture perfect I always thought Christmas should be to care anymore. I became numb to Christmas! But somehow, without realising, I kept trying. If only I tried harder with each passing year, if only I went home often enough and had my Mum put up a Christmas tree for my sake, if only I did a good deed on Christmas Day, if only, if only... But everytime something went missing. Either a cancelled flight, or a cold house, or a party I didn't belong to, or a guy I was waiting to get a call from... Somehow Christmas was always going wrong. 


But not this year. because I finally realised I don't care! I don't care about Christmas, because it is not me. Sure, I go along with it, but I don't feel it belongs to me. My life so far didn't have a lot of Christmas in it so this is me: somebody who'd rather run away to a hot place and sip on pina coladas while others are waiting for Santa and play in the snow. I'll let you in a little secret though: the moment I stopped caring, my life just filled up with all the Christmas in the world! Despite not planning to go home this year, a friend offered me the opportunity of a free plane ticket and it looks like I will, after all, spend Christmas with my Mum and perhaps the rest of my scattered, crazy but adorable family. Despite toying with the thought of being true to myself and skip this whole Christmas business, my lovely flatmate who is the most passionate supporter of the holiday season I've ever met, set up on a mission to get me all Christmassy and I find this very sweet. 

I think perhaps, besides it all, I am a Christmas person. Because it's not about the marketing of it, the decorations, the Christmas cards, the office party, the Christmas tree, the perfect setting and the perfect family affair etc, it's about the people in my life and yes, I can say it now, this is probably about the best Christmas I've ever had!

A healthy bit of sadness

Source: creattica.com

I wonder if sometimes we're not  meant to be a bit sad, if there isn't a healthy level of blues we just have to go through in order to function properly?... Have I been too busy keeping myself positive and energetic to the point that it is actually wearing me out? Am I too afraid of being sad?...

Ever since my teenage years. I've been a victim of my own mind, my own anguish, my own worries, my volatile self-esteem. Until now... Until about a year ago when I discovered that I have the power of controlling how I feel and I decided I would only feel good about things. And this is what's I've been dilligently doing: pumping my levels of positivity like an athlete getting ready for the Olympics, relentlessly, thruthfully, continously. Even when I ought to feel sad, I won't allow myself to be so anymore, because there is no way I would go back to feeling depressed and demoralised.

But when against my best intentions and my efforts, a diffuse sadness still creeps in, I wonder whether I shouldn't just let it happen. My body starts aching, my energy levels are low and yet I still refuse to surrender. I force myself to keep up with  my exercising schedule, to attend all the social events which holiday season forces upon us, until I realise my body is sending me signals. That perhaps I should stop. Just feel miserable for a little bit, feel the holiday blues, or anything of the sort. Yes, the nights are longer and the days are shorter and, yes, a little bit of sadness is okay.  And being tired of having to go out everyday for some social comittment or another is also okay.

Clearly one extreme won't compensate for the other, so as long as I don't allow too much sadness in my life, I'm sure that an okay bit of it would only do me a world of good. So maybe I should listen to my body, spend a day in bed, take in al the vitamins I can take and wallow in it as much as I can, because, tomorrow is another day and I know I will smile. After all, it's only a healthy bit of sadness...