Gripa existentiala

Gripa porcina, gripa aviara, gripa existentiala... De cateva zile zac in pat cu febra si frisoane, incercand sa imi revin la normal. Gripa e oribila, dar mai rau decat sa zaci in semi-coma, imbibata in propria transpiratie, e sa te confrunti cu gandurile pe care gripa existentiala le provoaca pe fondul imunitatii scazute.

Gripa ca si celelalte incercari mai putin placute ale vietii te confrunta cu lipsa unei persoane apropiate care isi stea alturi, sa-ti faca un ceai si a carei prezenta sa alunge gandurile negative. Imi amintesc de un episod din Sex and the City in care Samantha suferea de gripa si pentru prima oara a inceput sa planga de singuratate. Imediat ce s-a vindecat, si-a revenit la sentimente mai bune.

Spre marea mea fericire, gripa mea da semne de retragere. Si eu, asa cum era de asteptat, revin incet incet la sentimente mai bune. La o adica, imunitatea existentiala mai scade si ea, dar o doza masiva de vitamine si optimism ar trebui sa ma puna pe picioare.

La cumpana gandurilor

Eu una constat o schimbare majora in atitudinea mea fata de viata si asta transpira prin tonul mult mai echilibrat si fara urma de sentinta judecatoreasca (asa cum obisnuiam in trecut) pe care il abordez mai nou in ceea ce scriu.

Faptul ca reusesc sa mentin nota nu face decat sa ma bucure si sa ma ajute sa concluzionez ca poate ce a fost mai rau a trecut in ceea ce ma priveste. Stiu ca multa vreme mi-am fost propriul dusman, in loc sa-mi fac viata mai usoara mi-o impovaram cu obstinatie crezand ca daca tin bine de "litost" lucrurile se vor intoarce pana la urma in favoarea mea.

Sunt perioade in viata de care imi amintesc cu tristete si, in ciuda faptului ca nu au fost de scurta durata, au trecut intr-un final si s-au risipit ca un fum pe cerul neantului acolo unde mai devreme sau tarziu se duc toate ce au fost, sunt si vor fi.

Au trecut toate. Va trece si asta. Important e sa privim in urma cu blandete si sa ne bucuram atat de tare de prezent incat sa merite sacrifciile trecutului...

Let's just be friends!

Intr-o lume a relatiilor dintre barbati si femei care si-a pierdut de mult consistenta, am tot dat in ultima vreme peste o inventie relativ recenta: "prieteniile".

"Prieteniile" sunt in general relatii promovate de barbati, ce se caracterizeaza prin apelarea la beneficiile unei relatii, fara implicita tragere la raspundere si fara eventualele responsabilitati (care nu se mai definesc de mult prin ducerea gunoiului, repararea becului ars din baie sau montarea antenei satelit, ci doar prin un minim aport de respect si atentie fata de partenera) pe care o relatie in adevaratul sens al cuvantului le-ar putea eventual implica.

Reteta este in general aceeasi: la negocieri barbatul pune pe masa o "suma" infima mizand pe efectul "take it or leave it" care de regula da rezultate cu majoritatea celor de sex feminin.

Problema e ca, desi femeia nu ar fi total satisfacuta cu perspectiva oferita, dupa cateva nopti bocite, isi sterge lacrimile si decide ca mai bine "prietenie" decat singuratate si este, asadar, gata sa accepte orice.

Pana aici, desi reprobabila, metoda nu este complet de neinteles: doi adulti negociaza si ajung la o concluzie de buna voie si nesiliti de nimeni. Ceea ce mi se pare absolut condamnabil este ca reciprocitatea este de obicei aproape egala cu zero: totul se desfasoara in functie de programul barbatului si, desi femeia ia si de aceasta data fraiele in mana si propune un plan de actiune, dumnealui decide ca e un prea mare efort si pana si "pica para malaiata" e deja prea mult de indeplinit.

Nu intamplator am decis sa dezbat acest subiect. Imi pare ca in ultima vreme, "prieteniile" s-au inmultit ca ciupercile dupa ploaie si din pacate il gasesc un fenomen ingrijorator. Personal mi s-au propus prea multe "prietenii" in ultima vreme spre a le mai considera fenomene izolate si chiar colegei de apartament imi pare ca i se intampla ceva similar cu iubitul ei de 10 luni care dupa ce a parasit-o recent pe motivul ca isi dorea sa fie "single" din nou, acum se infrupta din plin din dulceata unei "prietenii cu beneficii minus responsabilitati" incat mi se pare de-a dreptul tragic s-o vad cum i se schimba starea de spirit de la o zi la alta de parca ar avea dubla personalitate si cum nesiguranta si influenta nefasta asupra spiritului a unui asemenea gen de relatii te poate face intr-un final sa-ti pierzi complet respectul fata de propria persoana.

Ma concentrez din plin in ultima vreme sa nu mai gandesc in clisee, sa nu mai generalizez, sa nu mai pic in plasa de a fi tentata sa strig in gura mare ca "barbatii sunt niste ticalosi" (asa cum o fac cele doua colege ale mele de apartament de cateva zile incoace) si sa nu mai am prejudecati despre barbati, insa intr-o lume in care "prieteniile" au inceput sa devina ceva normal, ma tem ca increderea mea intr-un viitor luminos in cuplu are nevoie de intariri serioase.

Si ca sa inchei totusi pe un ton optimist, am sa-l citez pe prietenul M. care, intrebat recent de o femeie nemultumita de ce barbatii sunt niste porci, el a raspuns candid (si e absolut adevarat!) ca el nu este unul dintre ei si ca nici prietenii lui nu sunt.

Relatiile sunt ca piata economica. Atata vreme cat mumncitori din tari in curs de dezvoltare accepta sa faca aceeasi munca pe bani mai putini, patronii isi vor urmari propriul interes si vor angaja forta de munca mai ieftina. Atata vreme cat vor exista femei gata sa accepte "prietenii", barbatii se vor multumi sa le vina totul usor, fara efort si fara responsabilitati. Dar la fel ca si intr-o economie stabila, atata vreme cat exista un loc de munca pentru fiecare, vor exista si oameni care nu vor rosti din nou temutul "Let's just be friends!"...

DTM (Don't Trust Men)

I had this perfect date on Friday. He was on time, the conversation was great, he was spontaneous (he took me for a midnight movie out of the blue), held my hand, made me feel like the most amazing woman in the world.

At 6 am this morning I received a text from him informing me that he got home ok after a crazy night (x). It hit me that he probably meant to send it to another girl and sent it to me. My initial reaction was to get upset and conclude that men are all the same, not to be trusted one inch.

I have trained myself to see the adverting signs if someone "is not that into me" but what do I do when there are no signs and he seems so much into me? How do you deal with men being such incredible actors and so talented seductors? I used to complain that lately men make no effort to conquer a woman, that the ancient art of courtship has been lomg forgotten and that it would be great for a change to find a man who makes a bit of effort to make me feel speacial. What I didn't take into account was the men who did make an effort to make me feel special - but did they really mean it?...

Despite what everyone would think, my reaction was very chilled. I decided that I will not play victim ever again and two can play this game, I can be in control of my own feelings and lead the whole thing. Better yet, be detached and laid back and see where it goes. After all, if he is on the market, I find it pretty normal that he may be reviewing other candi(dates) as I am doing the same. The best will always win.

Men are not the enemy. But they are not our friends either.



Today, my friend A. brought me flowers. She cut the pink roses nicely and professionally arranged them in a vase and offered them to me. It was the most honest and emotional gesture I've seen in a long time. Who needs a man to bring me flowers, when I have real friends to make my life so beautiful and rich?

DTM!

Random thoughts

I carry this little black book with me everywhere. I am trying to write all sorts of observations on it whenever something strikes me in an attempt to make sense of the world afterwards (when I have the time supposedly, though I've learned you never HAVE the time).
Went through it earlier and here's what came up:

"Had a panic attack in Piccadilly Circus today - I don't want to be here" - that was just before I started a new job.

"Stuck in the middle" - that came out when I realized that I am neither a complete woman of the world satisfied with just being social nor an artist living in another dimension, therefore, stuck in the middle, never reaching a goal in one world or the other...

"Must remember the other idea I had as I was going out of the tube this morning" - I never did. I still wonder what that was, it seems it was quite a big idea, but clearly not very impactful.

"Am I the Wrong Type" - already asked some people for feedback and got no answer. Concluded I don't care and they are dickheads.

"Would I have done things differently" (Night train from Lisbon, the book I was reading inspired me) - answer: absolutely not, I am entirely perfectly happy with the choices I made in life. Though I haven't reached my ultimate goal, I know for a fact I am on the right path. I may have chosen the most difficult one, but that's why I am a Capricorn.

"Big Book about Helen of Troy" - yeah, what is that anyway? Someone in the tube was reading a huge book (the size of a dictionary) called Helen of Troy. Why would anyone write so much about Helen of Troy? She was just the reason to start a war, no personality whatsoever.

"A former relationship diminishes is time. All you feel like saying is just: it didn't work out." I remember the times when I felt I had to explain why. Not anymore.

"Today I followed a pregnant woman at Liverpool Street station" - sometimes I follow people around. She was beautiful, amazing, like a riped fruit, wrapped in a geometric print maxi dress. I followed her around thinking how happy she looked. I wanted to steal that feeling from her and absorb it myself. Like Grenoiulle of Suskind's Perfume, find a way to capture that inner happiness she was trailing behind her. Some people may now think I totally lost my mind.

"The most boring Big Brother. I actually liked it."

"Obsessing about the past. Fear of history repeating!" - I still do it.

"Victoria Beckham lives in airports"

"I refuse to be a victim!"

"Breaking-up season"

" Helen was trying to compensate her hectic lifestyle with a compulsive cleaning disorder" - a story about a crazy woman called Helen told by my new friend K., I find this idea fascinating.

"Relationship success - apply the rules!"

"Don't overlook the signs (trust them). Don't trust words" - don't remember what I had in mind when I wrote that but anyway it seems to be true for any given situation.

"You can't avoid change. It's better to embrance it that reject it."

"Must not blame ourselves when things go wrong. Sometimes we try our best and still fail. There are things in life beyond our control. It's just how it is. All we need to do is pick up the pieces keep on walking. Look only in the eyes of the future" - no comment...

Reality is...

...that life is a matter of perception. Perceiving life through different angles comes from where you're standing. I'm standing pretty comfortable at the moment and that shows in most aspects of my present life.

It's as simple as that. Call me old fashioned but I am trying to thank God every day for what I have and make the most of it as if there's an expiry date on good fortune. As if if I don't eat the whole cake now, I will regret later. It's like the times when you wished you had enjoyed a kiss longer, or absorb more sunshine before the sun was gone, or speak more often to your parents, live more and sleep less...

These days I feel I don't make lot of sense. Maybe because it's all so intense that I can't really describe it.

I also noticed that, though I don't rejoice on other people' misfortune, it makes me be more grateful for what I have. I now realized what Camus meant by "pain is spiritual food". I wonder if pain gets the worst out of people. I suppose it does. It's usually good fortune that makes you go out and reach other people, trying to help and spread the positive will.

Reality is that we have no power over things. We can be fortune's fool anytime. Roles are changing, cards are played, people are never the same, there are lessons to be learned. I hope I have learned mine. Reality is... do I really know?

Wising up

It's the little things. It's the little things you notice about yourself that make your step stronger when you're walking on the street, it's when you find yourself singing along your new favourite band while getting ready to go out, it's the time you take to put on the make-up in the morning and feel good about yourself, ready to start the day with confidence. It's the long hot bath you take in the evening after coming soaked up from work and actually be fine all by yourself.

It's the time I am talking to be all by myself and be comfortable all by myself. It's being me and loving it, not fearing that I should be somewhere else, with someone else, on another planet, in another era, in another life, in a relation-ship, in a different country, in a different body. I am perfectly fine where I am and I thank God for finally opening my eyes to really see that.

I used to carry around a Greek tragedy, absolutely convinced that a bad karma is following me, that life is supposed to be all about pain and suffering, wanting all that I couldn't have and punishing myself for not getting it. It must come from a generic soul that I share with my country fellowmen, living with an inferiority complex doubled up but an insatious desire of having it all.

I used to think that I am unlucky in love. I used to honestly believe that, just because I am an incredible, smart, cultured, funny, desirable woman, I would charm any man would cross my path and just because of bad karma I wouldn't get too far. Somehow these days I think that being great has absolutely nothing to do with it. Clearly it helps, but now I finally wised up to believe that men only want what they can't have and it's the same as with training a dog: apply some simple rules, work out a conditional reaction. I finally got the answers to all my love life melodramas: making yourself available is not a sign of honest reciprocal interest, but pure stupidity.

Somehow I am amazed by how simple life can actually be. Making it more sofisticated attracts complications. No wonder intelectual people are a romantic wreck - they think too much and instead of working out how to deal with basic instincts, they try and reason their way around and blisfully fail.

It's the little things. It's waking up in the morning, wearing a nice red dress and feeling fabulos knowing what I know about myself and that will suffice for now.